FIXING IT WITH MY BROTHER

One Sentence or in this case, one missing sentence can wound someone you love deeply. Actually, I know that even one word can injure, but in this case,  I missed a complete sentence.  At first, when Bro. Dale brought Sunday’s blog to my attention, I couldn’t understand what he was upset about.  When I wrote the blog, I knew I’d agreed with what he said and couldn’t see how I’d embarrassed him.  I was heartsick as I worked through the rest of the afternoon.  Once I got home, I looked up the blog and became sick to my stomach.

 Aaauuuuuuggggghhhh!   What happened? 

Let me give you a reason why this is important, when we began this study into Every Man’s Marriage we were going to record it so we could send an audio file to our young men in college.  It didn’t take long for us to figure out that wasn’t a good idea, because we wanted this study to be open and transparent.  Hanging our raw uncensored feelings out for anyone to listen to didn’t seem wise.  Let’s face it, some of us older guys are still working to undo years of ignorance and unscriptural ideas of the male role in a marriage.  We’ve  been enjoying  a great deal of transparency right now that I don’t want to lose.  Recording the sessions just didn’t seem wise.  Bro. Charles Summers suggested posting my lesson sheets on our website, but I didn’t want to run afoul of copyright laws.  He then suggested that I write a blog. 

I can do that!  Or, so I thought. 

One of the stipulations was that I wouldn’t embarrass anyone by mentioning who said stupid things.  HOWEVER, I am so proud of everyone in the men’s group, I never fear mentioning when someone says something profound or noteworthy.  If I write it down without attributing it to someone, it could be mistaken for coming from me, and I never want credit for wisdom I don’t possess.  Which brings me to Bro. Dale. 

My Brother Dale has this uncanny knack for distilling an idea I’m reaching for into a life experience that makes it real and down to earth.  (I tend to wax philosophical and like dwelling on the esoteric.)  I completely agreed with Dale’s analogy of our role as servant leaders being like the leader of a firefighting crew who’s been given a crew to supervise.  He explained how they were assigned to him to fight the fire and his responsibility to ensure their health, welfare, and safety.  He compared this to how God assigns our wives to us to accomplish a mission  that we must do together, but her being on ‘his’ crew didn’t mean that she was his possession.  I LOVED IT>  Except, that’s not what come out in the blog.  One sentence came up missing when I did a cut and paste in my tirade against the modern day feminist movement. 

Bro. Dale, this is my deepest and most sincere apology for being careless with the words I’m entrusted with.  You are a precious, and amazing man of God.  You were misrepresented and I’m so sorry. 

Here is the text as it was written.  (I keep all my blogs as I wrote them before transferring them to the blogsite.)  Sunday’s blog is in italics, and the missing sentence is underlined.

Bro. Dale brought up the word ‘assigned’ as a description of his responsibility to his wife.  God assigned her to him.  She is fully qualified in and of herself, but he has assigned her to him.  Her health, welfare, safety, and person are his responsibility.  Dale didn’t like the idea of his wife being his property.  One hundred years ago, this wouldn’t have been an issue.  She would be considered his property.   As enlightened and tender as Bro. Dale’s thoughts are, they would not be acceptable to the modern feminist movement, because they would resent the patronizing idea of a man having to be responsible for them.   

            Why is this an issue?  Because, we as men often do things based upon the idea that it is our ‘right’ to do so.  Our concept of marriage is formed within the context of our modern American culture.  Most modern marriages are reflections of a flawed spiritual view of what oneness is.  Pre-nuptial agreements prove that there is the knowledge going in, that there is always the possibility of a way out.  It assumes failure before failure is realized.  To me, this is worse than considering someone to be your property.  When I own something, it is mine.  The only way that status changes is if someone steals it from me, or I lose it.  Either way, I’m responsible for it.  If my wife is given to me by the Lord, she is my responsibility.  She belongs to the Lord, but I am her custodian.  He gave her to me, and no one else. NOW, whether you want to believe God gave me to my wife or not, the truth is, she is my responsibility within the eyes of the law.  If you don’t believe that, let her get a credit card, and then see who has to pay it off. If she writes a hot check on my bank account, I will have to pay for it.  If she has a wreck in the car, I will be responsible for the damages.  These are all legal proof that she is my responsibility and I am accountable for her legal and financial actions.  While our society may be changing, the law still reflects the Judaeo-Christian view of ‘oneness.’  

Those who know me, know that I chafe at the idea of sexism on either side of the aisle.  We are human beings.  Crudity, lust, stupidity, ignorance, rebellion, greed, power lust, and the entire spectrum of human indecency are not contained within one gender or the other. Man or woman, we are all capable of terrible evil or amazing good.  It rips me up one side and the other when either gender engages in bashing the other gender based upon stereotypes or non-scriptural role assignment. Dale is the furthest thing from this!  I know his heart toward his wife.  She is blessed to have a man who’s heart is so completely set upon her happiness. 

SOOOOOOO, for future reference, if any of you men in our group see your name in the blog, you know I was impressed with what you said and wanted to give you credit.  If it doesn’t come out right or sound right, you can also be assured, it was the cut and paste monster that made it sound wrong.  I shall try to be double careful in the future. 

Mid-week Tune-up: The Woman You Gave Me

This is my first attempt to write a blog using my Galaxy Tablet.  Thankfully I have the keyboard dock to allow me to type as I would on a regular laptop.  I'm feeling a little bit better about Sunday's lesson the further I get away from Sunday.  Which I'm not sure is a good sign or not.
I've never been concerned with who is, or how many are reading the blog, because it was mainly intended to provide support to those of us who are away from the men's group for whatever reason.  What does concern me is a failure to teach the heart and will of God.
As I began thinking about what to say for this mid-week blog, my mind went back to the discussion in our last meeting, of whether our wives are our property.  I enjoyed it because it was a primal discussion of something we all think, but are afraid to actually say. Actually the Apostle Paul said it for us in his discussion of marital responsibility to one another. He states in 1st Corinthians 7:3-6, that our bodies are not our own, but belong to our spouses. It is a reciprocal ownership. She owns you as much as you own her. This unique and powerful view of oneness is a spiritual truth that men alone are incapable of contriving. This is a Holy Spirit truth.  Our belonging to another is God's plan, not ours. Those who deny ownership will find themselves fighting against the Holy One himself.  The marriage covenant is a powerful union beyond paper and beyond legal contract, which is not broken or ended upon the receipt of another piece of paper saying it's over.  
I think I like Jesus reply to the teachers of the law when they challenged him on the issue of divorce.  Of course they were looking for some way to trip him up, but in seeking to do that, they opened themselves up for being trapped themselves.  His simple reply took them past the wickedness in their hearts and directly to the issue of sin.  OOOOPS, did I use the "S" word.  Jesus went past the law to the attitude we should have toward each other.  If we accept as true, that God gives us our wives, there has to be another fact that should be equally as 'true.'  She is given to us by the one who knows all and sees all.  This knowledge alone should make us all the more assured of her unique 'fit' to God's purposes and intent for our lives. Can we choose a wife that is not God's fit for our life?  I am sure we can. If we are rebellious, careless, or even casual in taking a bride, I believe we can find ourselves unequally yoked.  Is that a reason for divorce?  That is best answered by our Lord and Master.  He said: "in the beginning it was not so."
It isn't the fact that he only made one woman for Adam.  It was the fact that he made her of Adam's flesh. She wasn't formed of the earth as Adam was, but formed to be joined to him.  This joining is described by the Apostle Paul as the 'making of one flesh.'  Paul's view of this is even more profound when he asks: 'and which man would hurt his own flesh?'   It is here that we realize ownership in this instance is more than the exchange of money for the right of possession.  Ownership in this instance is the same as saying:  "This is my arm. This is my foot, this is my body."  If we truly accept this premise as being God inspired, it makes our own complaints about our wives a joke. We fall back on Adam's feeble attempt to cast the blame for his own evil actions upon the "woman you gave me."  Adam's accusation wasn't against the woman as much as it was with God.  "It was the woman YOU gave me."   I can hear this complaint echoing through the ages as man after man becomes dissatisfied with the gift he was given. You didn't make me right.  That she was flesh of his flesh, and that we are flesh of one another's flesh, makes our complaints empty and hollow.  AND,,,Women are not exempt from this.  There is reciprocal ownership.  In today's modern feminist movement, the idea of a man being an extension of a woman's spirit, soul, and body is looked upon as ancient and archaic.  In doing so, they break down the very reason for God's purpose in creating her in the first place.
So, what does this have to do with time?
Everything!
If you strip away the veneer of our lives, remove the facades, and masks, you will find that time is the only thing we have to offer one another that is of any value.  IN THIS INSTANCE; it goes both ways.  My question is: can a marriage survive a time evaluation?  Can any marriage withstand the check register accounting of time with the initial balance being the courtship process? Erotic love and familial love are not valid measurements against the more enduring love formed in the furnace of time and trial. The fairy tale courtship before marriage should never be the measure of how much you make each other happy. The weight of child rearing, finances, and the pressure of everyday life make a mockery of 'happily ever after. If you are measuring the amount of time you spend together after one year of marriage with what you spent together during the courtship, you will always come up short.  'Happily ever after,'  doesn't account for the 'sorrow and loss in between.' 
However, there is hope.  We can redeem the time we have left.  We can make it better.  We can restore the ownership of love.  
That will be next weeks lesson.

STALLING FOR TIME

I Can’t say as I was enthused with this morning’s study group, not because of anyone, but me.  Pastor Eric and his sons were out of town, and I didn’t want to go very far without them there.  It was good to have Bro. Landen Crouch with us.  I always enjoy it when he is able to make it to men’s. 

            We’re in a wonderful place in our study, and I want to make sure we do it right.  Chapters eight and nine are interwoven in a way that I feel it is better to treat them as one chapter.   Needless to say, I was stalling for time today and didn’t do a very good job of it.  I’m never happy when I sense that we only went through the motions.  This entire week was an exercise in frustration as I was tested on many of the things I’d said last week and in the mid-week tune-up. 

            The problem for many of us, including myself, is our reluctance to be transparent and vulnerable.  American culture worships ingenuity, self-reliance, and  independence.  We as a culture tend to demean those who appear weak or insufficient.  Therefore, I believe we have a hard time revealing our real selves.  Even as forthright and real as our men are with one another, we still have our moments when frankness is avoided at all costs. 

            My first priority was to try and explain the Mid-week Tune up.  I hoped to remove some of the guilt and condemnation that arises whenever you are doing this kind of study.  No matter how hard you try, someone will take an exhortation or call to growth as a critique of their character.  I never want that to happen.  I’m not sure if I did a good job of explaining this.  I’ll tackle it next week when Pastor is back. 

            One of the issues that arose out of our discussion was the issue of whether we ‘own’ our wives.  I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of the men.  I was also surprised at how much of the modern feminist movement has made its way into our thinking.  As the topic grew in intensity, I sensed that everyone was holding back on their opinions.  None of us want to appear to be sexist or Victorian in our thinking, but there are biblical truths that challenge the modern way of thinking.  These biblical truths have nothing to do with women receiving equal pay, the right to vote, or any number of a host of other societal issues of the modern day. We spent nearly fifteen minutes discussing what we mean when we say; “my wife.”   We discussed whether it literally means she is  our property, or whether it means she is our responsibility. Does it mean the same thing when she says; “my husband?” 

            I was trying to make the point that as slaves of Jesus Christ, we don’t have any rights of our own.  We belong to him, he gave us our wives, and as such, we must take care of them with the same due diligence we would of any other kind of property.   OOOOOOPS!  I kicked a hornet’s nest!  It amazes me how things that I accept and believe are elemental, can be such an issue to someone else.  AS CHRISTIANS, (that’s the only people I can address) we have to understand this basic concept of whose we are.  I think the problem with this is because we’re still trying to determine ‘who’ we are.  We confuse our position in Christ Jesus, with what we do for Christ Jesus.  What I mean by all of this, is that God doesn’t just give you a wife, He gives you to one another, with the man being the one who is accountable for the oneness that is uniquely “YOU.”  By YOU, I mean the unique ‘man+woman’ creation he formed by bringing you together with your spouse.  Any other view violates the sanctity of marriage and makes a mockery of the vows.  My wife belongs to me, just as I belong to her.  I have no rights independent of her and she has no rights independent of me, UNLESS we’re willing to simply cohabitate.  Marriage is more than a piece of paper or contract made before men. 

            Bro. Dale brought up the word ‘assigned’ as a description of his responsibility to his wife.  God assigned her to him.  She is fully qualified in and of herself, but he has assigned her to him.  Her health, welfare, safety, and person are his responsibility.  Dale didn’t like the idea of his wife being his property.  One hundred years ago, this wouldn’t have been an issue.  She would be considered his property. 

            Why is this an issue?  Because, we as men often do things based upon the idea that it is our ‘right’ to do so.  Our concept of marriage is formed within the context of our modern American culture.  Most modern marriages are reflections of a flawed spiritual view of what oneness is.  Pre-nuptial agreements prove that there is the knowledge going in, that there is always the possibility of a way out.  It assumes failure before failure is realized.  To me, this is worse than considering someone to be your property.  When I own something, it is mine.  The only way that status changes is if someone steals it from me, or I lose it.  Either way, I’m responsible for it.  If my wife is given to me by the Lord, she is my responsibility.  She belongs to the Lord, but I am her custodian.  He gave her to me, and no one else. NOW, whether you want to believe God gave me to my wife or not, the truth is, she is my responsibility within the eyes of the law.  If you don’t believe that, let her get a credit card, and then see who has to pay it off. If she writes a hot check on my bank account, I will have to pay for it.  If she has a wreck in the car, I will be responsible for the damages.  These are all legal proof that she is my responsibility and I am accountable for her legal and financial actions.  While our society may be changing, the law still reflects the Judaeo-Christian view of ‘oneness.’ 

            The scriptural answer to whether or not we are a possession, is given a definitive answer in Exodus 21.  (I’m paraphrasing starting at verse 2, you can follow along in any translation)  When you buy a slave, he only has to serve six years.  You have to release him in the seventh year for nothing.  (3.) If he was single when he came in, he leaves single. (He leaves with nothing of his Master’s.)  If he came in married, he leaves with his wife. (The master takes nothing of his.)  (4.) If the master gives him a wife and she gave him sons and daughters, the wife and children stay with the master.  (TIME OUT!  They are the possession of the master.  Just the same as if the master had a cow and a bull, which produced offspring.)   

            You may not like it.  It may chafe you the wrong way, but this is God’s way of looking at things.  We have to know whose we are before we can address who we are. If you hold this view, it becomes easy to understand that you have no rights.  You are not your own.     

HOMEWORK

I gave all of you a hard one to work on this week.  I want you to list 10 things you give your time to over a typical day.  In other words, what do you view as things that you must give your time to.  You can list anything that requires time.  For those of us with dynamic work schedules, this can be a tough homework assignment.  I know at least three of you, whose lives are at the mercy of who needs you at the moment. 

I also asked you to ask your wives to give you five ways in which you can give them more of your time. 

Don’t let this homework assignment get you down.  I know I gulped when I first thought about it.  There is a part of me that dreads giving my wife the power to dictate my time.  You see, it is all about time. 

I want to remind all of you about the movie “Courageous” which will be coming out on Sept. 30^th.   I intend to see it, and I hope you do too. 

Mid Week Tune Up: Self-Help verses God-Help, Moving Past the Condemnation

With the hundreds of self-help titles available in Christian books stores and online, it makes you wonder why so many Christian's lives are still so messed up? Why doesn't the words on the page make it to the brain cells that are supposed to put those words into action and make us successful in our Christian walk? Why do thousands of pastors and teachers have to gather every week to recite passages and expound upon thoughts that are clearly written on the page? With all of the wonderful easy to understand translations of the Bible, why do so many of us have a hard time getting the message?

Actually the answer is one word; CONDEMNATION.

The book that is actually meant to help you, has to convince you that you are. . .wr. . .wro... wrong. I don't care how carefully they, or even myself craft the argument, the basic premise is that something is wrong or lacking, and you can fix it. Without even realizing it, you immediately stand in deficiency and inadequacy. The book or teaching immediately puts you in confrontation. You stand accused, lacking, and requiring the help the book or teacher promotes. The implication of the teaching is; “I have the answer, you need the cure.” Religions across the globe are built upon that premise. Psychology and philosophy make their bed in that premise. It is the very thing that Christ came to destroy. The problem with Christian self-help books, is the word 'Self.'

As the Apostle Paul so eloquently argues in every one of his letters, if 'he' (the 'law,' the birthright, the act of mutilation, the act of denial, or any action I can take on my part,) were able to justify his standing with God, there would be no need for Jesus to have died on the cross. Christianity would become another empty religion. Hucksters and charlatans would be able to devise empty fables, and enslave once more. THIS IS THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY HEART!

What brought this train of thought on, was a conversation with a dear brother in the Lord, who approached me with weariness in his heart. “Don't you think that this whole “slave” thing is too much?” he asked. “It just seems like it robs the joy from the walk.”

GASP AND GULP!

Had I passed that point of exhortation to condemnation?

This brother is special to me in ways I can't explain. His feelings and thoughts are important to me. He's one of those people who can beat themselves up just fine without anyone being around to help him. The last thing I wanted to do was add to his condemnation or steal his joy. It's the last thing I want to do to any person. I know the feeling all too well, myself. Condemnation is the joy sapper.

The question still remains, how do I continue to teach “Every Man's Marriage” without putting guilt and condemnation upon my brothers? I've tried so hard to make all of these wonderful men know that I am in this journey with them. The things I've learned from the book, are slowly making their way into my daily life. Never mind that at 56 years old, the questions I face in my own life cause me to doubt the good of what I'm teaching. I wonder if I will ever be able to undo the damage I've done to my wife during our 35 years of marriage. I find myself battling five decades of selfish thinking and desires. My flesh has had its way for so long, I don't even know if I'm changing. Will my wife ever believe that I truly love her? I wish I'd had this book 35 years ago. I wish someone had taught me. . . .

There it is!

My dearest brother in Christ, it isn't about us. It isn't about the knowledge that we were ignorant of those things that could have made a difference in our lives. We didn't know. It's about your son, it's about the sons of all of our brothers who sit down with us at the table every Sunday morning and open ourselves up to criticism and self-evaluation. Our sons have the opportunity to become better men. It won't be for a lack of knowledge if they fail. I can see it in every one of the young men who've grown up in our midst. All you have to do is look at the ones who've grown up and are married. Look at their marriages. You can see how much better they are at it than we were. The things they are learning in “Every Man's Marriage,” and many of the other books we've read, will send them light years beyond us. That alone makes it worth the guilt and condemnation I feel in my own life.

As I mulled your concerns over in my heart, the Lord rebuked me for not practicing a basic principal of learning. The moment of application. I've never taught another man's material before, and I'm not able to discern the exact moment to stop and give you guys a chance to breathe. The Lord brought to my mind the picture of a runner in a competition. Every runner gives their all. They run flat out till they cross the finish line. If you've ever watched the Olympics, you can't help but sympathize with the runners as they collapse after throwing everything they have into the race. It doesn't matter whether they are sprinters or marathon racers, the end is always the moment to breathe. Not that they weren't breathing before, but the breathing at the finish is to restore life giving oxygen to the body that has used its available supply. God demanded that we take one day to cease from OUR labors. He demanded that we breathe in the breath of life that is HIM. He is rest. He is our help. The last thing a runner wants at the end of the race is for someone to thrust a T-bone steak in his face and demand that he eat it. He wants to breathe. The Holy Spirit is our air. He is so important. The time to eat is before the race and a while after it. At the end of the race, when we need to rest from our exertions, we simply need to breathe.

Another problem with so many pastors and teachers, is that we fail to let people cross the line. We're like some kind of crazed maniac who keeps moving the line as the runners run. We don't even realize when we've done it. Then, we wonder why everyone collapses of exhaustion. This isn't God's intent for us. He never moves the line. However, He does start a new race. Last week we were looking at living righteously with our wives, this week we're looking at how to give our wives more time. I failed to let you know you'd crossed the line. The problem isn't with God, as much as it is with this teacher. I'd failed to let all of you have a chance to catch your breath. I'll work on that. Even when God was leading the children of Israel in the wilderness, he would allow them time to rest. I can't seem to find the place to rest in this book. It's not the author's fault. I'm not preparing like I should.

Like the rest of you, I want nothing more than to show my wife that I love her. The tools in “Every Man's Marriage,” help me in that desire. The knowledge in John MacArthur's book “Slave,” help augment that teaching. As teacher and coach along the road of life, I can only hope that I can avoid the trap of making people feel condemned.

BREATHE!

Who's The Master?

For those of you who weren't able to make it to men's group this Sunday morning, and for those of you who are away at college, it was another fantastic discussion about our role as bond-servants within our homes. A lot of good things were brought out.

FIRST; let's take care of a little business.

Pastor Eric, began by telling everyone about a dynamic new men's program called “Men at the Cross.” The discipleship/mentoring program will be holding a meeting at the First Baptist Church in Branson, Mo. The meeting will be Saturday, 10/15/11 from 8 AM to 12:30 PM. Make plans to be there if at all possible. This fits nicely with where we want to go as men.

We're still promoting and encouraging everyone to go see the movie “Courageous,” on September 30^th. This is a unique opportunity for us. This movie is being released to a limited amount of theaters and Harrison is privileged to be one of those theaters. This movie is what we're all about here at 'Real Ministries.' It's a must see.

I'm still promoting the book, “Slave” by John MacArthur. This book is such a timely sidebar to “Every Man's Marriage.” “Slave,” restores the truth of the gospel message and makes it clear what our place in Christ is. If you can get past the negative images that slavery carries with it, you'll be rewarded with a deeper walk with Christ.

ON TO THE STUDY, (revised worksheet)

I'm going to rework the lesson sheet in order to make it less personal for the Blog, but still give you the bulk of what was handed out to the others. Last week we wrapped up Chapter Seven and introduced the idea of leading as a bondservant. The rest of the book gives us insight into how to be a bondservant to your wife. Fred, will show us how the rubber meets the road, but before we slide the gear shifter into drive and press the throttle, I want to be sure you understand where Fred is at in his thinking. If you miss it, you'll end up impaled upon a tree along the road of life, and I think you know what tree I'm talking about.

In Chapter Eight, Fred addresses the issue of rights. 

FORGET IT, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY. You're a slave. Forget the fact that you're a BOND slave. When you placed your ear to the door post, you told the LORD God you were his slave forever. You are not her slave, you are a slave to Christ Jesus and ultimately everyone else. You willingly gave up your freedoms to be his servant. You are now held to a higher standard than a mere contract or piece of paper. You are bound by the breath of God to keep your promise to love her like Christ. You made a vow, not a contract. Your pledge, spoken with the breath of God, and signed in love, is more binding than any chain or shackle. You have pledged yourself to the master of the Universe and surrendered your life to him. Even if your love (passion) for her should wane or be crushed by personal failure, your vow is to a higher authority.

Let's go back to Exodus chapter 21 and read verses 1- 6 once more. Most of us would agree that it is God who gave us our wives. She is God's slave first. How she serves the Lord is not your concern. Your concern is how well you serve her in serving the master. The Master wants oneness more than anything, and it is your willingness to serve your wife that will make oneness possible. The righteousness with which you lead your life may never cause your wife to serve you as you would like her to, but you will have lived a righteous life seeking spiritual oneness first. The failure of oneness wouldn't rest upon your shoulders.

We'll keep Fred's call to righteousness in mind, but I think it is impossible to be righteous without a firm understanding of what makes your righteousness valuable. I'm curious, how many of you have figured out what the most valuable currency in the world is? Did you see it as you were reading chapter eight? We've discussed it before in other lessons. It is the one thing that people hold tightly to. People are more tight fisted with it than money. Every Pastor knows what I'm talking about. You can have one of the most 'giving' churches in the world, and have one of the most selfish at the same time. It all comes back down to the discussion between Fred and Brenda over Fred's new found hobby. NOTICE, it wasn't the cost of the rifle that rankled Brenda, nor was it the cost of the ammunition, or even the expense of the trips. MONEY wasn't the issue. What is the issue?

TIME!

We have to jump ahead into Chapter Nine to understand Chapter Eight. Always remember, time is the ultimate currency. WE all use it to place a value upon something. When I go to do a job at someone's home, I am selling my time. I may be the most skilled handyman in the world, but it is my time I'm selling. We all sell our time. My wife and I had this discussion just this Friday. I've had this crazy idea to open up a Hot Dog stand. It appeals to me. I like the restaurant business. I like it far more than I do the Handyman business. The idea drives Glenda up the wall, because the trade off in time doesn't make sense to her. She believes that if a person is going to go into business for themselves, they need to maximize their profit potential for the amount of time they put into it. If the business requires an inordinate amount of time, then it should produce a maximum amount of profit. Ergo, the hot dog stand is a waste of time because there is no profit potential equal to the investment in time. She even quoted Ephesians 5:16 to me to make her point. Time is what makes the currency valuable.

You still don't believe 'time' is crucial? Then lets look at the story between Fred and Brenda in Chapter Eight. I've highlighted all the time issues. As we go through them, I think you'll agree that the issue here is time. After we do that, we'll change it up again.

Now that we've proven the issue is time, we're going to lay aside the other issue which he uses as the counterweight to his decision. I'm sure that everyone of us can sympathize with the side of the discussion where Fred puts the “boot” on the other foot. What if Brenda had came in with the same request of time to go shopping? Time is the issue. It's how we give our wives their measure and define their worth. Time is the one thing you can't buy or replace. You CAN redeem your time, but redemption implies paying a price. What is the REDEMPTION price for your time?

RIGHTEOUSNESS! Now we bounce back to Chapter Eight.

Let's all turn to Ephesians 5:11-21. That wasn't enough? Let's begin at verse 1.

Can you see it yet? Is there a link here that tells you what value you hold in someone else's life?

Let's approach it from the slave viewpoint again. As a slave, you own nothing. You are GIVEN everything you need by your master. Even your wife is given to you. The clothes you wear, the food you eat, are all given to you. DO YOU POSSESS ANYTHING? NO! You don't even own the time it takes for you to do what you do. YOUR TIME is not your own. That is why the master owns you. HE owns your time. Your life is not your own, you've been bought with a price. All of our plans, our schemes, our hopes and dreams should be an expression of the Master's plan. If you've been reading John MacArthur's book “Slave,” this concept won't be a mystery to you. The idea of being a slave should even be appealing to you. That is why our lives must be led by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit Led life will redeem the time. Righteousness is essential.

If you want to test someone's love for you, ask them for their time. If you really want to push their button, demand it. Let me give you an example. When I was in the Air Force, we had an issue where the wings on the C-130 were cracking and coming off in flight. They grounded the entire fleet until they could inspect them all and this inspection took a great amount of time and manpower. They put us on 12 hour shifts for seven days a week for over six weeks in a row. During that time, our salaries didn't go up. We didn't get overtime, nor did we get any kind of compensation for our time. For the first couple of weeks, everyone could see the value of giving their time. We were able to inspect half the fleet and verify over two thirds of that as flight worthy. We could get back to business if we needed to. As the third week ground on, you began to hear grousing and complaining. By the fourth week, the troops were writing letters to their congressmen. What put an end to it? At the end of the sixth week, we almost blew a plane up due to a bad decision compounded by fatigue. The safety officer of the squadron called it off and put us back on 12 hour shifts for five days a week.

When the twelve hour shifts began, we were “honored” to give our time. Anyone will give small segments of their time, especially when they receive recognition or compensation for it. As husbands we can endure doing the dishes, the laundry, and in Fred's case, rush the baby upstairs to clean his poop off, because we know our wives usually dole out the 'atta boys.' When that happens, we receive our reward. (Sermon on the Mount, boys.) The minute she begins to expect it, maybe even demand it, our feathers get ruffled. Who's the Master?

Righteousness isn't specific acts, but an expression of the heart. Placing your heart in the role of a slave means knowing that your time is not your own. You have nothing to bargain with. The master gave you a wife, he expects you to give her due time. If you have children, he expects you to serve them and give them their due time. He gave you brothers and sisters in the Lord and expects you to give them your due time. This is what Chapter 5 in Ephesians is all about. TIME!

When I do premarital counseling, I have an entire section called “Things That Matter.” It is a bunch of what appear to be silly questions about favorites, hobbies, friends, things you like, etc. . . What it actually is, is a measure of how much you value your time. I tell the people being counseled, that I know which questions are important, but I'm actually looking for how selfish they are with their time. When I hear their answers, I'm able to bring the discussion toward the issue of time. If they don't have issues of time, they will. All of us do. When you're courting, you are willing to give up your time, because you can see the reward in front of you. You will be given the honor of a securing the relationship. Only after you've slipped the ring on her finger, does the true test of a bondservant begin. Can you keep it going all the time?

“What about her?” you ask. Yes, it is her job as a slave to submit her time to you, but it is your job to lead her in that. You can't instruct her in 'how' to give her time. You have to lead her by example. It has to be selfless on your part. If she learns from you, then all is well. If she never gets it, you still have to lead. That is the accountability that you have as the Lord's slave. You won't answer for her, you will answer for you. He gave her to you, but she is still his. You've all heard me express myself on the garden, but now it is time to give you the core of the truth to be found there. They were both there, at the tree. Yes, it was Eve who was deceived, but it was Adam who was standing there alongside her. They BOTH failed, but he failed to lead her away from the place of temptation. Adam's failure to lead continues to be our struggle to this day. We fail to lead, because we are afraid to lose that which God gave to us. One question I ask every couple I counsel is; “What would be the worst thing that could happen if your fiance' called off the marriage?” I'm always amazed at the answers I get. The issue isn't framed upon the 'best' for the other person's life, but upon the devastation to their own life. It is the loss of time and perceived worth that prevents us from being truthful with one another. The truth is, most women don't have an issue with time until we men hold back on it. Her worth is given to her by God, not you. The question isn't how much she's worth, but how much HE'S worth. Who's the Master?

That's the end of the reworked lesson sheet. As always, those of you who've been in the group know, there was some awesome discussion. One of the things I'm beginning to enjoy more and more, is the honesty and transparency we are beginning to have with one another. When we were discussing Fred's story about wanting to go hunting, one of the men felt that Brenda's response was selfish. I have to agree. I thought her reaction was a little overbearing and selfish. BUT, we don't know the history of the couple enough to know where she was in her thinking. It's a snapshot, a quick glimpse into a moment of their life without any background. We don't know what Fred was doing throughout the rest of the week. It goes back to the idea of righteousness. Our slavery isn't to our wives, but to the Master who gave our wives to us. Who's the Master?

Pastor Eric pointed out that the discussion of Brenda wouldn't even be happening if we'd read the book “slave.” I agree! We have to see ourselves beyond our own selfish desires. WE have no rights. We are slaves.

Our brother Aaron once again spoke out about living our lives for Christ, not for what we can expect to get out of the relationship or what we can receive. We don't do it for what we expect to get, but simply because that is what we are. This is an amazing maturity for a young man of his twenties. He is spiritually at a place in his twenties that I am only arriving at in my fifties. Yes, a new generation is arising and living a life worthy of the high calling of Christ Jesus.

It is so difficult to explain to men who've never been in our group, what happens there. Those of you who are away from us, know. Six years ago, our men brought in our young teenage boys to study with us. It changed us up in a way we never expected. It is no longer about one-upmanship, but about bringing our sons along with us, and as we're seeing now, surpassing us. Within a few years, these young men have grown to a point that they are teaching me.

To all the mothers and wives who've given up your men every Sunday morning, I hope you can see the value and worth of your sacrifice. Thank you for sharing them.

To my wife Glenda, I offer up this totally heartfelt praise. It is my sincere desire that the men and women of our faith fellowship would know the sacrifice of time and attention you have made in order for me to grind out these lessons week after week. You allow me the grace to study, write, and share what the Lord gives me with the men of our fellowship. I hope you see the measure of your sacrifice in the quality of young men who have grown up in our fellowship. Their lives are a testament to the selflessness of your life and those of the other women in our fellowship who've given their husbands and sons up to the study of God's word. May we make your sacrifices worthwhile by being the husbands and sons that Christ has called us to be.

What Is It Like?

I'm not going to apologize for being a day late on the mid-week tune up.  It was by design of the Holy Spirit. Yesterday morning as I prepared to sit down and put down my thoughts to the computer, I received a check from the Holy Spirit. I knew that there was something that would happen to become fodder for the tune-up. 

Soooooo,.. I waited all day, and nothing happened.

“Come on Holy Spirit!” I said, as I drove home from the job I'd just completed. “What did I learn today that could tie into our study of Every Man's Marriage? Where's the big 'zinger?'

Got home and took Glenda out for a fantastic meal at Neighborhood Diner. Still nothing! What a bummer. “I'll end up going to the Church Service without a mid-week tune up beneath my belt.” I groused.

It was an unusually quiet Wednesday night service, until Sister Deborah Summers took the podium.

Then it became clear! 

 

She began speaking about a book that I'd heard rumblings about, but as the men's teacher, I couldn't just jump out and recommend it for the women. The book is titled What is it like to be married to me, and other dangerous questions, by Linda Dillow. While I'm accustomed to Sister Deborah operating in the office of Prophet, I'd never heard her teach. Wow! What a teacher! Her humility and willingness to be transparent were refreshing. I was excited about the idea of our women embarking on the same path of maturity that we men have embraced.

Whoaaaaah! 

 

NOW, before all you women stone me for saying you need to mature, I didn't say you need to grow up. Growing up and maturing are two different things. No matter what stage in life we are in, we all can continue to mature. It is a fool who believes they've been there and done it all. It would be an especially foolish woman who believes that simply because of her being a woman, she "is all that."  If you want the unvarnished truth, the last ten to twenty years have seen the media catering to the feminist agenda of destroying men to uplift women. Men are painted as being stinking toads for wanting sex with their wives, time with their pals, time to do hobbies, or for working too hard. Men are deprecated for being unable to meet every desire of their woman. Before long, the media has stripped down the white Knight to his skivvies and left him to shiver in the harsh light of media-scrutiny. The feminist agenda of placing women in direct confrontation with men is working and filtering down into many churches. This isn't what God intended! You don't have to destroy, belittle, or tear down someone in order to advance yourself. (Maybe a few politicians need to learn that, but then, they wouldn't get their five seconds of sound bite on the news. Our flesh loves a good cat fight.)

Which brings me to the Ah-ha moment that happened while our Sister Deborah was teaching. I don't know if she got it from the book or if it was something the Holy Spirit revealed to her, but I'm going to rephrase it in my words. “If you are looking to someone else (husband) to fulfill your desires, you are not living by the design God has for your life.” I'll show you a woman who is mature, by their desires. If their desire is to fulfill and serve others, that person is operating in maturity. If your desire is to fulfill and serve others through the leading of the Holy Spirit, you've become a Christian. It's what Christ did in becoming flesh. He surrendered himself to others and showed us what it looked like. He didn't leave it there, though. he left his Spirit here with us, so he could empower us to live as he did, men and women alike. Many of us men are willing to serve and demonstrate how it's done, but we don't leave our Spirit.  OR< If we do leave our spirit, it is that stinking ol' ugly guy that didn't know Christ.  I know, I've done it too many times.  Problem is, it's easier for our wives to remember the old stinky guy, than the sweet perfume of God's Spirit within us.  It's even worse, when that dead guy is a zombie walking around in a christian suit.  It looks good, but when you get up close, you know he's dead.  It's the same for women.  It's all in the Garden.  When we desire the things of this flesh, we lose sight of the God who provides everything.  

 

It's when we go back to the stinking tree, that we get in trouble. The things of this life don't satisfy, only the God of the Universe can satisfy. The satisfaction doesn't ever come in the laying hold of him, but in the pursuit of him. It is when he is ever unattainable and pulling us ever toward him, that we grow to be more like him. That was why the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was such a trap. The promise of the serpent was that eating it would make us like God. It was a quick grab, a momentary happiness, desire fulfilled, but it spoke of our heart condition. Sadly, it still does today. Without the pursuit, we are left empty and unfulfilled. 

So, what does all this have to do with where we are in our men's group? I believe we have been on an epic journey to bring us to a point where we can appreciate, and serve our wives no matter how they are treating us, or even where they are at in their own maturity. I believe we will cherish our wives greater and move together in maturity. I've said it before, but it bears repeating, because our Sister Deborah said it last night. “As the family goes, so goes the Church.”

Aren't most church splits a result of a dysfunctional family? We get our eyes on what we desire and lose sight of what God has planned. The same is true of marriages. Someone loses sight of the one they once desired and forgets what God had planned. ONENESS!

THANK YOU SISTER DEBORAH.

THE QUESTION

This morning's lesson was filled with deep and powerful insights brought forward by the Holy Spirit. For you young men who are away at school, I'm going to basically transfer the lesson sheet over to the blog. I don't like doing it, because I don't want to run afoul of copyright laws. I hope and pray that I haven't said anything or quoted anything without permission. This was the last lesson on Chapter Seven of “Every Man's Marriage.”

Before handing out the lesson sheet for the day, I asked the married men in our group to give us one thing that was a benefit of being married. The question arose out of Brother Fred Stoekers statement that there were many paradoxical blessings that arose out of being submitted to our wives. I wondered if our men could see the paradoxical blessings of being submitted to their wives. It was fascinating to hear the replies. I won't tell you who said what, but I'll give you the list of what was said with slight paraphrasing.

1. Companionship,
2. Someone to walk through this life with, who'll always be there with you.
3. Enjoying the favor of the Lord, through the blessing of a wife.
4. Fulfillment and validation,
5. Fellowship and companionship with someone who fills in the gaps in our nature and personality.
6. Someone to share your life with who fills in the gaps
7. Restoration of lost hope and someone to make you feel whole
8. Someone who changes your life gently through their presence in your life
9. Someone to challenge them to be better spiritually.

It's amazing how we tend to look at things from our own point of view instead of our spouses. In today's society we are trained to concentrate on ourselves above others.  "Take care of #1"  is the mantra of modern culture.  So, if all of modern society is teaching us to take care of #1, it makes me wonder: 

WHY BE A SLAVE TO YOUR WIFE

It's a simple question, but obviously for millions (billions?) of men, the answer is both elusive and complex. I know it was for me. Today, the press of life, disparity in pay, media bias, and cultural perversion make acting upon the idea of bond service difficult, even if you know the answer. I know that in my own life, it is difficult and frustrating trying to make the mindset real for my wife Glenda and myself. ONE THING I KNOW, I will not do it for any reason other than I must consider myself a slave. I will do it to convince my flesh, but not to receive a blessing. For me it is a work in progress, one that I am unwilling to give up on.

Bringing this study into Chapter Seven to a close, I want to highlight Fred's best ideas and put aside the ones that I believe are there to make submission more palatable. There is nothing palatable about being a slave. I don't care how you paint it or even how you try to 'sell' it, slavery is not palatable. You  can't candy coat it or make it taste sweet.  There is a deeper more fulfilling reason for being a slave to your wife, but first, let me start by making a list of what Fred believes will happen when you submit to your wife in the spirit of a bond-servant. He calls them “paradoxical blessings,” you tell me what you call them.

1. You will enjoy stronger leadership.
2. You will “affair-proof” your marriage.
3. It will improve your sex life.

I won't argue with him on this, but these aren't the reasons for being a servant leader in your home. Look at the emphasis. It brings it back down to doing something to get something. The older I get, the harder it is for me to stomach this kind of thinking. I guarantee you, this same kind of self centered thinking exists in our churches. “If you give your heart to Jesus, you'll escape hell.” It's a self serving religion if you allow it to be. God becomes your own personal vending machine for any goody you want. Forget the relationship, you can use his name to secure healing, personal wealth, and personal power. Even in our relationship with Jesus, we can run the risk of doing the same thing we do with our wives. The intimate moments we have with Jesus can turn into empty and selfish “sex.” How many times have you heard someone say “Wow, I sure was blessed today, that was a powerful move of God's Spirit.” Or, at worse, “That was a waste of time, I didn't feel a thing.” As Christians, we do all the right things, say all the right words, and even do special things to get Jesus to 'perform' for us. We think he should be willing to 'bless' us with his presence anytime we desire it. It was 'good for us,' but was it good for him? Like Fred is fond of saying: “Sound familiar?” Yes, it is about marriage. If we're selfish in our relationship with Christ, we'll be selfish in our relationship with our spouse. It is about maturity. Thank God, our savior understands and knows what we are. His mercy is timeless and he is doing the one thing we should be doing for our spouse. Turn to page 91 in your book. “A bondservant loves his master as he loves himself, and he's committed to helping his master fully live and fully blossom as a person.”

THERE IT IS! That is the WHY. That is the reason for being a bondservant to your wife. You knew God trusted you with her for a reason! It isn't because you're a hunk of burning love, it's not because you can bring home the bacon better than anyone else, and it's definitely not because you are God's gift to women. You were entrusted with one of God's precious daughters, a blessed ewe lamb, one of his princesses to make her shine brighter than yourself. If you have failed to give her an environment within which to blossom in every area of her life, you have failed in your primary mission as a husband. You failed to live up to one of the marriage vows, which is to cherish her. In cherishing something, you elevate it to an honored status, valuing it more highly than yourself.

Fred gives a marvelous list of things we can do to increase our 'serve.' Let me list them for you.

• Study to find better ways to serve her.
• Grow and develop new skills to better serve her.
• Do everything you can do to build up her self esteem and standing in the community
• Treat her thoughts and opinions as being as valuable as your own.
• Make room for her to exercise her unique gifts.
• Make allowances for her weaknesses
• Protect her faith in you and in God (They are uniquely tied together)
• Be relentless in purging yourself of faults and imperfection
• ENJOY serving!

These are the same things we must do in our relationship with Christ in order to have a true relationship. They should sound familiar as scripture verses.

• Study to show yourself approved (2^nd Tim 2:15)
• Furnish your faith with: . . . . (2^nd Peter 1: 3-8)
• in order that in everything God may be Glorified (1 Peter 4:7-10)
• Lean not on your own understanding (Prov 3:5-6)
• forgive one another (Col 3:12-14)
• guard your hearts and minds (Php 4:5-7)
• Rejoice always (Php 4:4)

It should be clear how inextricably our marriages are linked to our relationship to Christ. We can't separate them out. As I look back over the years of my own life, I can see the lean years of my relationship with Christ mirrored in the tough years between Glenda and I. I can see my spiritual immaturity echoed in my marital immaturity. There are no excuses, no lies, no reasons I can offer except for a failure to study, obey, serve, forgive, protect, and enjoy.

For me, chapter seven is the most profound portion of the book. The rest of the book is the how, but in this chapter we know the 'why.' We are faced with the reason for our 'being' and with the ultimate expression of our being. To provide an environment that allows another person to be all that they can be without any chance for reward or compensation.

There is one paradoxical blessing that I like, that grows as a result of a right relationship; Children!

THAT IS WHY WE AND OUR WIVES HAVE TO BE SLAVES TO ONE ANOTHER, SO OUR CHILDREN CAN SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

That was the lesson sheet, but as you guys know, there is always much more said during the course of the study. Brother Aaron is a joy to listen to, and his life speaks louder than his words. He pointed out that if we are doing the 'servant' thing to get the blessings, we are doing it out of our own strength and we get our reward here. He stated that being a slave should be what we are, not what we do.

I agree!

While we were discussing how slaves go about doing their master's bidding, Brother Jim made one of the most profound statements of the morning. He pointed out that when the master wants something done for his household, he doesn't ask us to pull something from our own account, but he provides us the funds to do the work. However, if we attempt to pull those funds from our own account we'll always come up short. His is the bountiful supply and we have to rely on his provision. In our position as slave, he knows the need and has the means to meet the need.

YES, AMEN.