SUBMISSION

I never really know for sure what lesson will bring us to a dead stop and cause us to park for a while as we digest what God is saying to us.  As I've already wrote in this blog page, I missed Holy Spirit in choosing to bypass the lesson on wives.  After having to eat humble pie, I determined not to do that again.  For that reason, I was overjoyed when Holy Spirit began to share with me some beautiful insights that I am eager to share with you.  I can say that, because as most of you know by now, without Holy Spirit's help I'm just a bag of wind.  

Yesterday, (Saturday) I was working on our enclosed porch, which gives me an opportunity to think, because much of what I was doing didn't require a great deal of thought.  I was mulling over the lesson from last week, and still feeling as if I'd missed something.  "Have I missed something here?"  I asked out loud.  (Yes, I ask God things out loud, and expect Him to answer me in my inner man.  So, go ahead and lock me up.)

When He spoke, I was kind of disappointed at first.   Frustration and Conflict in the marriage affects the children.    

Duh!!!!  I thought to myself.  

I should have known better.  I learned a long time ago not to "Duh!"  God.  What follows is the stream of consciousness revelation I had all afternoon, and then this morning. (Sunday)   

There is a fundamental shift away from the concept of Biblical marriage because modern culture is focused on the individual. In today's modern culture, diversity is celebrated above unity, individuality above society, and personal achievement above the greater good for everyone. This especially holds true in the marriage relationship, and by extension our families. While it would be easy to couch this criticism in terms of morality, or religion, the simple fact is we are becoming so independent of one another, we can't even agree in the most simple of social institutions; Marriage. What I'm about to pass on to you isn't for those who don't recognize Christ as their "Lord".  (Boss, leader)  It won't work because it is a spiritual, not a religious issue.  As the following truths began to flood my brain, I knew they came from Holy Spirit.  Last week's blog had to do with how to treat your spouse, but it also has to do with how you see yourself in Christ Jesus.  Too many Christian men have a messed up view of masculinity, which ultimately destroys their witness, their wives, and their families.  With that said, let's look at Ephesians 5: 21-33.  Oh, NO!!!  Not that passage.  

Ephesians chapter 5, verse 21 makes a very simple, but profound statement: "and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."  *NASB  or "and further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." * NLT   The default setting for any Christian relationship is:  SUBMISSION.  I know this is antithetical to what is being taught in schools across this nation, and in modern media. I would love to take this to the extreme about the current direction of our nation, but I'm only going to focus on the family.  The modern definition of marriage is two UNIQUE people trying to bond while attempting to retain their individuality.  WRONG!!!!!!  This won't work, and it isn't scriptural.  I'm not sorry for saying it, and I won't apologize for the truth.  This was never God's idea of marriage.  Marriage is God's solution for the disaster of being alone, or as it is commonly referred to today; Individuality.  God's idea of marriage is submission. IF we are submitted (yes, men this means you too.) to one another, then conflict and frustration born of separate purposes will not grow to overcome our lives.  God's idea of marriage is two unique people bonded in love submitting to one another in Christ to make one unique entity known as ____________ and ____________. (Enter your first names in the blanks.  The default setting before we step off into the rest of chapter 5 is submission by both parties.  As a Christian, if you are still trying to maintain your individuality in the marriage, you are setting yourself, and your family for conflict and frustration.  

In verse 22, the Apostle Paul begins by repeating the admonition to submit.  This isn't a higher degree of submission, or another level, this is the same submission she should be living by with everyone.  I promise you, the woman who refuses to submit to her husband (who loves her) will not submit to anyone, let alone God.  This violates the default setting of verse 21.  She becomes an enemy combatant constantly at war with the one she claims to love.  You can't tell me you love someone if their needs, wishes, and desires aren't your greatest concern.  You may like them, you may enjoy being around them, but please don't tell me you love them.  After she has children, they become soldiers in her war with her spouse, and a tool to deny him of the submission she owes. (Do not think in terms of sexuality here.)  Individuality breeds conflict, which leads to frustration.  NOW, if you are in your workplace, try being individualistic and see how far that gets you. I'm not saying a wife can't be smarter, more successful, wiser, or more creative than her spouse.  A matter of fact, as the father of two brilliant, and self assured women, I want them to be paid the same amount as the man working alongside of them.  I want them to have equal access to schooling, institutions, and business.  At the same time I want them to be submitted to one another, to their brother, to their mother, and to me.  It also goes without saying that they should be submitted to their husbands.  Being in submission positions you to receive the benefits of service to one another, and to God.  It's a biblical principal that is proven.  The open hand can be filled, while the closed fist can only hold what is in it.  I know what I'm going to say next is going to be misunderstood, but I didn't say it first.  Paul equates the wife's submission to the submission of the church to Christ.  Paul says that Christ is the salvation of the church, so I ask you, what is the man's relationship to the woman?  I could take this out to its conclusion, but it would make this blog twice as long as it should be.  Let me make it simple; sin is rebellion (lack of submission) and submission is salvation.  For the woman who is submitted to Christ, the idea of submission to her husband should not be a mystery.  

OKAY---------Whew, now that we have the woman taken care of.  Let's remember the default setting in verse 21:  Submit to one another!  Men, it's your turn, and it is a very long admonition from Paul.  If you will allow me a little bit of license, I'll do it this way; Guys, submission means loving your wives just as Christ loved the church.  Paul did it this way because he was a guy, and he knew if he gave us a loop hole we'd jump through it.  So we are to love our wives like Christ loved the church.  Giving up everything for her to lift her up (making her Holy), to make her feel special and desired (clean, and washed by the cleansing of God's word.)  Because she is a part of him (actually physically derived of Him) He wants the church to be glorious (adorned in fine gold and jewels), without blemish, (every hint of separation removed) and without wrinkle (shame, condemnation, or guilt).  OKAY guys, here we go.  Not only are we supposed to submit to our wives (verse 21), but we are to love her as we do our own bodies, (because they are our own bodies, I know it's not taught any more.)  A matter of fact Paul makes it clear that if we love our wives as ourselves we are actually loving ourselves.  Hmmmmmmmm!   

In loving our wives as our own self we will feed and care of them.  I know a lot of guys who think that just because they go out and work for a living they are fulfilling God's commands for the marriage.   Nope!   You're going to work and taking care of yourself regardless of whether you are married or not.  Even if you thought for a second that you could get away from your submission, Paul hits it again in verse 33 by repeating that we are to love our wives as ourselves.  THERE, he said it twice.  Which makes it pretty clear how important he views this.  Then Paul goes back to the wife for one last repeat; Wives, respect your man.  

The problem for us Christians is that we think we can do this Christian thing without being Christian.  For years the 'classic' idea of masculinity was that men were created first therefor we are the best.  We're stronger, smarter, and wiser (read less emotional) than women. In a perverted mind without a real spiritual basis, this means you are the big daddy boss, ruler of your little two person world.  That stinks!!!!  It's why women call us slobs.  This is the kind of thinking that grows out of being oversexed, insensitive, and spiritually empty.  FOR THE RECORD, this is not the men I know in this fellowship.  I would like to drag all of you to a radical feminist rally and have your wives speak about you.  

The radical feminist view of masculinity is for men to be like women.  Their view of the current state of masculinity is that we are all brutish, stupid, and ignorant of what we are doing.  In other words a slob.  Television, movies, and books have bit into this idea and help to propagate it, with the goal of separating men and women from loving one another.  

The scriptural view of manhood is that of the loving protector,and provider.  In this role, we become a place of safety, and growth.  A matter of fact, I view this role as enabling my wife to rise above me in anything she wants to do.  If I'm submitted to her, then I won't do any of the junk I listed in last week's blog.  If I'm submitted to her, she will shine as a jewel, sparkle with life, and laughter. She won't fear for anything. If she's submitted to me, (which should be regardless of what I'm doing) I can rise to a level of tenderness, compassion, and intimacy she longs for, while still being the strong, protective force the Lord requires of me.  (Which I believe all women find attractive.)

That's it for this week.  There is more, but like Christ said to the disciples, I don't think you can bear it all right now.  

DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS

In last Sunday's men's group, we delved deeper into Chapter 15 of Every Man's Marriage. The name of the chapter is called “Making the Right Pitch,” and the gist of the chapter is how men can help our wives in the area of child rearing and being more helpful in the home.

Sounds noble on the surface doesn't it?

Our discussion of the chapter took a different tack and we found ourselves discovering that even noble purposes can be formed with wrong foundations. To most of the men, it seemed that the authors assumed that women had their things to do and men had theirs. We all found it offensive in a very powerful way. If we love as Christ loved, there isn't room for defined roles. If you are loving as Christ loved, you're not going to look for appreciation, gratitude, or reward from your spouse. WHY? Because if you are truly one, you'd actually be looking for appreciation from yourself.

I know, it's all twisted up, but it is more of an issue of maturity than logic. The starting point for any discussion of what a marriage should be like, must begin with what you would do if you weren't married. What tasks or chores would you do if you didn't have a wife? If you really want to mess things up, let's go one step further and say that you have a newborn baby and somehow you lost your wife. What would you do? Would you look for the baby to pat your po-po and tell you thanks for changing their diapers? Would you keep a record of all the times you stayed up at night feeding them? Would you go out on the street, find you a woman and say; “Hey, I'm a great Dad. I just fed the baby, changed it's diaper, and played with it for a few minutes, how about some great sex?” I know it sounds crazy, but that's exactly what it seems most men do to their wives. Keeping a record of what you do and expecting a reward violates everything Christ came to do in us. When you imprison your wife in the role of nurturer, chief cook, and bottle washer, you've already moved beyond the oneness that Christ came to build in us. As a man, if you're doing the dishes, washing clothes, or cleaning the house for your wife to give you sex or say thank you, you've already demeaned your wife. If you think you're doing it for her, you've made her less than yourself. I don't care whether she is a stay at home Mom or if she works more hours than you, if we relegate our wives to traditional roles, we're no different than anyone else. We're back where we started this paragraph; what would you do if you didn't have a wife?

I hope you can see where our discussion went. A Christ centered marriage isn't going to have defined roles outside of what Christ showed us. At some point, the wisdom of the Holy Spirit must overcome the desires of the flesh. The only thing your wife is responsible for giving you, is what you can't do for yourself if you were single. She only has to give you love. Even better yet, make a list of the chores you'd have to do if you were single, then make a list of the chores you'd have to do if you were a single father, then go back to when you were courting your wife and see if you made her do those things before you were married. THERE YOU GO! NO, you took her out to eat, bought Chinese food, or even better yet, you may have cooked a meal for her. What you gave each other was time, attention, and the feeling of being significant. If you feel you're 'helping' your wife do the dishes, the laundry, or cleaning the house, you've already relegated her to less than a maid. At least maids get paid and don't have to give you sex.

As a personal note: So many divorces and bad marriages are based upon the erroneous definition of male and female roles in the marriage. The woman isn't the only nurturer and the man isn't solely responsible for discipline in the family. When you expect your spouse to thank you for what you do, or to honor your position, you're building your marriage on sinking sand. At some point we men have to grow up and realize that we are one with our wives. I know I've worn it out, but I wish I'd known this stuff when I was younger.