TRAITS OF A KING

As most of you know by now, I’m unapologetic about manhood, even as much as I’m unapologetic about my faith.  Not only do I believe in fatherhood as a noble endeavor, I also believe that I am a king, and priest of my family.  However, I want to deal with the traits of a king before we begin looking at the priestly.  Let me state from the outset, that being a king and being a priest are both spiritual offices.  They are not exclusive one of another.  The traits of a king deal with how you relate to your family, and by extension the community.  The traits of a priest are how you interact as a servant to your family, and as an intercessor between  your family and God.  We’ll look at the priestly role in later studies.
A king is a leader, while a priest is a servant.  A father wears a crown and a priestly robe at the same time.  Many men have a distorted idea of kingship, and therefore pervert the God given responsibility into something that satisfies their base instincts.  Many church going men have never been taught the truth of their kingly role, and hence we see our children flee the church because they were left disillusioned by the example set before them.  “If this is what Christianity is, I don’t want any part of it,” is a statement I’ve heard way too many times. 
The traits of a GOOD king will be found in what a man is before fatherhood. A good man makes a good father. Don’t get me wrong, I believe good fathering techniques and principles can be taught, it’s the desire to implement them can’t.  When I was in the Air Force, I went through three schools of leadership.  These courses were designed to train us how to be effective leaders of men.  I appreciate those courses, and what I learned greatly impacted my ideas concerning godly fatherhood.  It’s been over 25 years since I was in the Air Force and these simple truths have held me in good stead in my civilian life.  So, excuse me if I take these truths and show how they were biblical principles long before the military co-opted them.  I hope you don’t equate my numbering as a ranking of their importance.  Each of these qualities, or the absence thereof, will determine how good a kingly father you are.  More than that, the chivalrous, noble father should seek to wear these traits like a kingly robe.  They are biblical values, but they serve in the world as the hallmarks of great leaders whether they are men or women.  Yes, I’m talking about women having these qualities, too. 
Understanding!  In the Air Force we called it being empathetic.  Sadly, as we all grow into adulthood, we often forget the emotional stew that we grew up in.  The anger, frustration, fear, joy, expectation, and emotional reactions to life usually get replaced with logic, wisdom, and temperance.  AS THEY SHOULD!  However, this makes it difficult to be empathetic towards the emotions that govern how our children behave. Being empathetic to your children’s emotional states will go a long way toward giving them the ability to express their feelings to you.  (Romans 12: 15) If you start out demanding that ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘girls do cry.’ you’ve already closed an emotional door for your child to respond to you. God doesn’t do that to us.  (Hebrews 4:13-16)  The only admonition against our emotions is the admonition not to fear.  Other than that, God makes it clear that He is just as emotional as we are.  Maybe even more so.  (John 11: 35) Not only that, He makes it clear that he understands us. 
Be Deliberate!  Being deliberate or decisive in your role as father is predicated upon being clear about your goal as father.  I would like to think more along the line of knowing what your goals are for your children, and being unwavering in going to those goals.  The bible tells us in James 1:8 that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.  I like to look at decisiveness as being in touch with Father God. For example, when King David had to make decisions while leading his ‘mighty men of valor,’ he would always seek God’s direction for his actions.  What most people miss, is that when he presented his questions before God, he had narrowed them down to two choices, with a willingness to accept the direction that God chose.  A king must have the willingness to make a decision, and be responsible for the outcome.  As a kingly father, you must be decisive, and deliberate.  If you waver, your child will sense it, and you’ll forever battle with them in that area of ‘weakness.’   Hopefully your life circumstances will give you enough time to ask your spouse her opinion, and ask God for His. Having a plan before you start having children would be wise.   Being led by Holy Spirit is essential when quick thinking is necessary.
Be Self Aware!   Self awareness is having a realistic self appraisal, without self justification. It means being ready to admit when you are wrong in your fatherly actions.  This will go a long way toward shaping your children’s response to the world around them, and their trust in you. Most of the greatest promises in the Word of God have to do with Him being AWARE of what we are going through.  Knowing our own limitations, and strengths goes a long way toward being mindful of what our children are going through.  This in turn leads to understanding.  Being aware is the first step to understanding.  Talking to your child about their feelings about what is happening to them, and just knowing what is happening to them will hopefully bring back memories of when you had those feelings.  Being aware of your motivations will also go a long way toward shaping your response to their reactions.  For example, if your child is being bullied, or even if they are being a bully, the fact that you are aware of their circumstances is important.  It’s easy to dismiss their childlike view of things from your adult perspective.  (Romans 12: 3) Honest self evaluation, with a desire to emulate Christ will eventually lead to children capable of doing the same. AS fathers, I truly believe this is one of the hardest things for us to do, because we are so busy being... fathers. 
Be Honest and transparent!   Here is the hard one.  Where is the line in this one?  There isn’t.  When I was in the Air Force, they taught us that if we were duplicitous or deceptive, there was no going back to retrieve your honor.   As a father, your honesty and transparency will give you a kingly appearance to your children.  I remember an episode of the Andy Griffith Show where Opey told a lie to get a roll of caps for his cap gun. Andy rebuked him but later on told a lie to sell an old cannon to an antique dealer.  The question was; when is it alright to lie?  If you are honest and transparent, you will be able to show them how to dance this fine line of being honest and still being kind when the truth could hurt. I devote two full lessons to this concept later. (As a side note, Andy Taylor often told fibs.) 
Hopeful!  Being hopeful or optimistic is difficult in today’s age.  As adults, fathers are confronted with the darker circumstances of life every day. It is a totally different from when you are a single guy, and only have to worry about yourself. Your family adds a dynamic to the trials of life that can cause you to dispair.  There are times when life happens in a ferocious way that seems to be hopeless.  Death, disease, financial setbacks, failures, moral failures, and discouragement stalk us every step of the way.  Being hopeful, and faith filled will go a long way toward building your child’s faith in God.  It won’t do you any harm either.  Of all the fears I remember having as a child, the fear of death, the fear of my mom and dad getting divorced, and being rejected by my peers were the strongest ones I remember. Reassurance is important for a child to navigate the rapids of life. Some people will call it being optimistic, but it is more than that.  I call it blessed assurance.  It is knowing that God is in control, and resting in that knowledge.  Being able to believe in a leader is the most crucial aspect of leadership.  It seems indefinable, and almost mystical at its core, but a great king is able engender faith, and belief despite their worst qualities.  A true leader often doesn’t see this gift in themselves.  If your children believe in you, they will believe in what you hold dear.  Belief comes from a mashup of the kingly traits being a part of your character set. 
These are only a few of the leadership traits I was taught.  I believe they are kingly traits, valuable for leading your family into a life of fellowship with Christ.  The power of sovereignty is established upon God setting you as ruler, however, that place of authority is quickly eroded when a king abuses the people. The same is true of being a father.  If you abuse your authority over your family, you risk losing it all.  That is why humility is needed to rely upon God’s wisdom, and plan for your life.

MORE STORIES OF NOBLE FATHERS

It was another wonderful morning of godly men recounting tales of the nobility of fatherhood.  Throughout the history of our men's group, I've hoped, and longed for the day when fathers and sons sat together and expressed their hearts one to another.  I don't know where the idea of holding back public praise for our parents came from, but it isn't of God.  I'm sure it has something to do with the idea of people getting a 'big head' if you praise them.  It could also be due to the fact that we erroneously believe that criticism is a better motivator than praise.  Whatever it's origin, I can see how difficult it was for some of the sons to speak goodness while their fathers were sitting across the table from them.  I wonder if there is a magical age where it isn't acceptable anymore.  What is ironic to me is that just before the men's service one of our young men came in with his four year old daughter clinging to his hand as she headed toward the nursery.  The love for her father was written all over her face, and she demanded a hug before she left. 
During our discussion, one of the young men expressed that he believed his father making breakfast for them every morning was a noble act.  When I pressed him for what noble quality he thought that represented, he struggled.  That's not unusual.  I don't think I've heard the term 'noble deeds' used in public in a long, long, time.  As I've said in an earlier post, we confuse nobility with heroics.  Noble character isn't talked about as often as it used to be.  So, I understood the young man's hesitation.  Finally after a few awkward moments I asked his father what his reasons were for cooking breakfast every morning was.  The answer was stunning: "To serve them." 
A Christian father should be all about servanthood.  It is part and parcel of parenthood.  When a father looks at their child as nothing more than an unpaid servant to do their will, it is a perversion of family.  Should children be taught how to clean up their own messes?  Yes.  Should children be taught how to clean and maintain the house?  Yes!  Should children be given daily chores?  Yes.  BUT, father's should also keep as their serve going long beyond the toddler and pre-adolescent years. 
As this discussion unfolded, we began to talk about the result of living out the noble qualities we admire, and one of our younger boys said simply it was a case of 'like father, like son."  If we live out the ideals of noble fatherhood, noble sons should follow. 
I agree.  We can no longer afford to assume that our sons 'know' what qualities we admire in them, and sons can no longer afford to wait until their parents are dead to sing their praises. 
My father, and I had a long needed discussion just this last year, where I told him  how much I appreciated him, and the things I think he gave me.  He wasn't a perfect father, but what he gave me was perfect.  I can say that here in this blog which I know he'll never read.  and I can say it to his face.  I know this is the ending of a generational curse.  As I said when I began this post, I don't know where it started, but I am going to put an end to it in my own life.  The nobility of Christian Fatherhood will change the world once more. 

STORIES OF NOBLE FATHERS

It was a wonderful start to our discussion of the nobility of fatherhood this last Sunday.  Six men gave their examples based mostly upon their own fathers, and one of the men shared the example of a man he works with. 
Each anecdote seemed to touch upon upcoming lessons, and will provide plenty of support material for what I've been saying all along; that fatherhood is a noble endeavor. 
Each story I heard had a common theme that I believe is the hallmark of a Christian father.  It doesn't matter how it is brought about, but nobility is usually measured in a man making sacrifices for their children.  Again, I never want to diminish the role of a mother, nor do I think men have cornered the market on parental sacrifice.  HOWEVER, the sacrifices of a father are rarely recognized by the children while they are still living at home.  This lack of recognition is largely due to a lack of communication, and a desire to be humble.  Very few men will sit down with their children and say; the reason I'm gone all the time is because I'm working two jobs in order to give my family the best things I can give you.  Even if you tried that thought process, a child would tell you that they don't need the best things in life, they just want you.  (later, when they become teenagers, this isn't true.  I know!) The fine balance between providing time for the children, and providing things becomes harder for fathers who are in public service careers.  Soldiers, policemen, firemen, doctors, nurses, pastors, teachers, and a whole host of public service careers demand that the parent be available 24/7.  Sometimes this availability can mean long separations from your child.  (Think soldiers in continuing deployments to the Middle East since 1990's)  Young children don't understand commitment, dedication, or self-sacrifice because they (we) are genetically wired for self-preservation.  It takes years of social education to turn a child from being self-absorbed into a citizen of this world.  It amazes me how the christian community has failed to explain what these qualities look like in the lives of every day men.  Oh, we're good at telling bible stories about great men of faith, and inspiring children to believe that only special men chosen by God can do mighty things.  All to often, Sunday School teachers fail to point out the men in their own fellowships who sacrifice their time, their talents, and their money to further the Kingdom of God.  For instance, in our own fellowship, I'm inspired by the men who go year after year to Nicaragua to minister, and who give selflessly to the dozen or so 'outreach ministries' we sponsor.  All of this is done with an eye toward being the best husbands, and fathers they can be.  Our sons, and daughters need to be aware of what this kind of sacrifice looks like. If we honor this kind of dedication, it will stir a desire to follow in their father's footsteps.  I'm tired of fictional superheroes, or video game heroes being the role models for our youth.  Television has destroyed the nobility of men by glorifying the 'anti-hero', or making dark heroes who have no noble character within them other than the super power they have.  Crooked cops, shifty lawyers, and sexually addicted clergy are EASY depictions, like cardboard stereotypes that are not the norm.  Yet, they make for 'adult' viewing because they supposedly depict the truth of real life.  The truth is;  millions of men go to work 10 to 12 hours a day, enduring physical discomfort, continuing pain from abusing their bodies, separation from the ones they love, and very little appreciation from those who employ them, simply to provide for their family.  This happens around the world!  It isn't an American issue.  So we create 'superheroes' who have special abilities above the common man, and then we forget about the super sacrifices that ordinary men make every day.  I enjoy a good tale of super heroes as much as anyone, but I resent the glorification of these fake heroes at the cost of telling the truth about fatherhood.  Fatherhood is a noble endeavor.
Why am I saying this?  Because, as each story was told last Sunday the same theme came to light, no matter what noble trait was expressed.  What was that theme?  Sacrifice!!!  When we are children, even into our teen years, we don't understand selflessness, and sacrifice.  I think this is because we have a duality of existence as Christian parents.  We want to be great men of faith, mighty men of valor, and servants of the most high God.  We live with one foot in eternity, and the other foot in our present moment.  Time is the greatest, and only gift we have to give to our families.  I truly believe that as Christians, we don't know how to make time make sense to our children.  We teach eternity, but we don't teach how important this short time we are on earth is to the eternity we embrace.  I believe that failure makes it hard in western cultures to cause children to value (honor) their parents beyond what their parents give them.  We conflate love with respect (fear.)  The cycle of brokenness, continues to feed every generation. Misunderstanding, and disappointment will go on into future generations until we start to teach the truth of time being the most valuable gift we can give.  I can say that, because I had hoped to stop the cycle in my own life, and failed.  At 65 years old, I can look back and see that the things that were important to me as a young father, no longer matter.  I promised myself when I was a teenager that I would give more time to my children than my Dad gave to me.  Didn't happen!  I have nothing more now, than I had then, and I have far less time than I did then. One of my childhood misunderstandings was that my father didn't love me as much as my mother did, because he didn't give time to me.  Other things, and people SEEMED to be more important than me.  As I said in last weeks blog, the truth didn't become obvious to me until much later. You mix in the conflict between a mother's need for a perfect nest with which to raise her babies, and a man's need for respect, and honor from his peers, and in the end a child will be left to feel slighted. 
In every story related last Sunday, the basic theme was the same; the father was doing things for the good of the family behind the scenes that the son had no knowledge of until much later.  The sad part of this is, that the resentment is allowed to fester
If you'll bear with me for just a few more lines, let me share the story of one of the great men of God we are all told about from a child.  From all accounts, this man was an ornery child, or at least that is what his brothers thought, and said about him.  He was cocky, self-assured, highly talented, and for some unexplained reason favored above his brothers.  He did mighty exploits of faith, living to serve an undeserving king, and finally being made a king himself.  If we were to list his best qualities, they would make a world class resume for employment by a major corporation.  He was courageous, daring, shrewd, devoted, loyal, godly, and a leader of great men.  He could have been a rock star in today's world, having written numerous songs.  Yet, King David was a failed father.  His son Absalom was a vain, self absorbed youth who sought to destroy his own father.  The same father who inspired men to follow him for over eighteen years, failed to secure his own son.  The greatness we attribute to David because God attributed it to him, is the same quality that made him an enemy to his son. David's willingness to do whatever God commanded, was not what Absalom needed. 
It didn't help that king David didn't have the support of his wife Maacah.  She was a princess from Geshur, and probably a priestess of her religion. (She was not a Jewess.)  This will be one of the few exhortation/admonishments directed toward women.  If you aren't explaining your husbands work ethic, and how it relates to a child's perception to how much they are loved, you are setting that child up for resentment later when the child is a teen. 
The greatest men of God will often sacrifice family for devotion to God's purposes.  The hardest thing for any humble man to do, is to sit down with their child and explain to them why they are gone 10 and 12 hours a day.  From the time a child is a toddler, till they are a teen, time is the measure of love.  Our western society has done that.  King David was a flawed man, given a weighty task, as well as being a father.  For all of his intimacy with God, David was probably not an intimate father.  I still believe David was a noble man, just as I believe that most Christian fathers are flawed men seeking to be the best father they can be.  Noble traits can be hidden by the cares of this life.  There is a way around this and we'll look into it in later lessons. 

A NOBLE MAN'S TALE

This week I've asked the men of our fellowship to share an anecdote about a father who exemplified the nobility of fatherhood.  This coming Sunday we will sit down, and share these stories with an eye toward putting flesh on the idea of the nobility we seek to engender.   To make time for everyone else to tell their stories, I've decided to publish mine in the blog.
I've known, seen, and experienced many good men throughout my 65 years of living.  Of course, the man who has influenced me the most is my own father.  He has been a hard act to follow.  Growing up in the very large border city of El Paso, Texas, I was always amazed at how many people knew my father.  His reputation for dependability, tireless work ethic, and outright goodness gave me something to strive for as I grew into young adulthood.  Much of what my Dad did as a father I didn't understand until later in life.  Some of my youthful complaints about my father were rendered moot as I experienced my own fatherhood.  Sadly, we don't often honor or speak to the role our father's played in our lives until they are dead.  We eulogize them during a memorial service, shed a tear, and then as time passes we wish they were there to talk to.
Thankfully, my father is still with me.  At 84 going on eighty five, he is still strong as an ox, though a little less sure in his step.  He cries a little more easily than I remember as a youth, but he's still pretty much the same man I knew in my youth.
My Dad is a hard working man.  Sitting still isn't part of his nature.  When I was a child, I didn't understand these things.  His work ethic which was applauded by those adults who knew him, were difficult for a little boy to wrap his head around.  All I knew was that he wasn't around much.  When he was home, he was...busy.  I remember one year in particular when he would leave at seven in the morning, and not get home until seven at night, or sometimes even 9 at night.  This seemed to last through the year, and I kept hoping he would come home and be with us.
My friends loved him, which made it hard for me to complain. Then came the Christmas of my tenth year; that morning there were two 'stallion' bicycles parked next to the tree.  They were the ultimate of cool with banana seats, sissy bars, high rise handlebars, rear reflectors.  For the first time in my childhood, I had a bicycle that I didn't have to have blocks added to the pedals.  Santa Claus was awesome that year.  Still, I was unhappy because my Dad didn't spend time with me like other kid's daddy's.  I whined to my Mom, and she would just say: Your Daddy loves you more than you know.  Or she would give me the enigmatic; Your Dad shows his love in a different way.
Much later, I learned that my Dad was moonlighting doing mobile home repairs on the side for nearly three years as he tried to buy the things us boys would mention as our Christmas gifts.  I also know that my mother got a fancy organ with Leslie speaker, and when I was thirteen my Dad came home with a motorcycle for me.  His sacrifice was never explained, and he's never mentioned it.  I had to find out from his boss, and co-workers that he worked the extra jobs to buy us the gifts we desired.  Mom never told me, so I guess he'd sworn her to secrecy.
My point to all of this, is that you will rarely see the nobility of a father until much later when you try to emulate them.  I've never attained to the level of self-sacrifice that my father gave.  It is only much later that I've been able to figure it all out.  I try every once in a while to live up to his example, but then he will completely exceed me.
Let me explain with an example.  My daughter is a Registered Nurse (yes, I'm a proud papa) and one day while jogging, she had her car broken into, and her nurses bag with a very expensive stethoscope and a few other things were in it.  I told my Dad about it one Saturday morning not long ago, and didn't think a thing about it until this Saturday morning when he asked me how much her Stethoscope cost.  He said he'd heard they were upwards of $500 dollars, and he wanted to buy her one.  This is my Dad.  He isn't as vocal as me.  He doesn't write lessons like I do, he lives them.  He builds, he buys, he gives without giving words to his love, or expecting words in return.  This is the nobility of my father.  I've known many great fathers who've loved their children and lived the noble endeavor of fatherhood.  My father is one of those rough noble men who may not be polished or refined, but live a life of nobility in deed and action.