DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS

In last Sunday's men's group, we delved deeper into Chapter 15 of Every Man's Marriage. The name of the chapter is called “Making the Right Pitch,” and the gist of the chapter is how men can help our wives in the area of child rearing and being more helpful in the home.

Sounds noble on the surface doesn't it?

Our discussion of the chapter took a different tack and we found ourselves discovering that even noble purposes can be formed with wrong foundations. To most of the men, it seemed that the authors assumed that women had their things to do and men had theirs. We all found it offensive in a very powerful way. If we love as Christ loved, there isn't room for defined roles. If you are loving as Christ loved, you're not going to look for appreciation, gratitude, or reward from your spouse. WHY? Because if you are truly one, you'd actually be looking for appreciation from yourself.

I know, it's all twisted up, but it is more of an issue of maturity than logic. The starting point for any discussion of what a marriage should be like, must begin with what you would do if you weren't married. What tasks or chores would you do if you didn't have a wife? If you really want to mess things up, let's go one step further and say that you have a newborn baby and somehow you lost your wife. What would you do? Would you look for the baby to pat your po-po and tell you thanks for changing their diapers? Would you keep a record of all the times you stayed up at night feeding them? Would you go out on the street, find you a woman and say; “Hey, I'm a great Dad. I just fed the baby, changed it's diaper, and played with it for a few minutes, how about some great sex?” I know it sounds crazy, but that's exactly what it seems most men do to their wives. Keeping a record of what you do and expecting a reward violates everything Christ came to do in us. When you imprison your wife in the role of nurturer, chief cook, and bottle washer, you've already moved beyond the oneness that Christ came to build in us. As a man, if you're doing the dishes, washing clothes, or cleaning the house for your wife to give you sex or say thank you, you've already demeaned your wife. If you think you're doing it for her, you've made her less than yourself. I don't care whether she is a stay at home Mom or if she works more hours than you, if we relegate our wives to traditional roles, we're no different than anyone else. We're back where we started this paragraph; what would you do if you didn't have a wife?

I hope you can see where our discussion went. A Christ centered marriage isn't going to have defined roles outside of what Christ showed us. At some point, the wisdom of the Holy Spirit must overcome the desires of the flesh. The only thing your wife is responsible for giving you, is what you can't do for yourself if you were single. She only has to give you love. Even better yet, make a list of the chores you'd have to do if you were single, then make a list of the chores you'd have to do if you were a single father, then go back to when you were courting your wife and see if you made her do those things before you were married. THERE YOU GO! NO, you took her out to eat, bought Chinese food, or even better yet, you may have cooked a meal for her. What you gave each other was time, attention, and the feeling of being significant. If you feel you're 'helping' your wife do the dishes, the laundry, or cleaning the house, you've already relegated her to less than a maid. At least maids get paid and don't have to give you sex.

As a personal note: So many divorces and bad marriages are based upon the erroneous definition of male and female roles in the marriage. The woman isn't the only nurturer and the man isn't solely responsible for discipline in the family. When you expect your spouse to thank you for what you do, or to honor your position, you're building your marriage on sinking sand. At some point we men have to grow up and realize that we are one with our wives. I know I've worn it out, but I wish I'd known this stuff when I was younger.

PITCHING IN

Our study into Every Man's Marriage moved into chapter 15 this last Sunday, and it was an interesting beginning to the study of how we can pitch in to serve our wives.  The focus of the chapter was primarily directed toward assisting her in raising the children.  Somehow, this thought amused me.  Being the father of two girls and one boy, I know all too well the struggles of trying to dress little girls in in frilly dresses, little boys in jeans, and to try to make fine wispy hair do what it doesn't want to do.  I remember well the days of carrying thirty pounds of diaper bags and two toddlers on each hip.  I can still hear the excruciating shrieks of unhappy children in the check out aisle, and the impossibility of pleasing all three of their taste buds in one meal.  Pizza always worked, but it can grow old quick. . .except for little children.
Nothing tests the medal of marriage more than raising children.  Even more so if the wife is doing it alone.  There is nothing like the frustration of trying to discern what is making your child cry when there doesn't seem to be any reason for them to cry.  Walking around with the continual aroma of spit up on you doesn't engender intimate contact.  The home of a newborn smells, sounds, and feels like the struggle with orks and goblins.  That is why we older men encouraged the younger men to become more fully involved in the nurturing part of child rearing.  Take over and serve your wives as they are weighed down with the added struggle of raising another child other than you.
As I said, we only had a half hour this last weekend, and we only got started.  There is going to be some deeper territory explored and some frank truths laid out this weekend that will go beyond what the book was willing to go into.  'Nuff said.   If you are a father with children, you might want to be there this coming Sunday.  Gonna be some truth laid out.

The Right Time to Study

By the direction of the Holy Spirit, we found ourselves going a totally different direction with our study into Every Man's Marriage. Studying your wife's essence is fundamental to having a good marriage.  Knowing who she is, and why she is what she is, will help the two of you manage the storms of life with confidence.  If you don't know her essence, you don't know her motivations. If we are ignorant of our wife's essence, it is very easy to make the wrong assumptions for her behavior.  Discovering who she is, and what her true self is, shouldn't be done in the heat of the battle, or in the midst of the storm.  There is a right time to study and that is why Sunday's study focused on the unmarried young men in our fellowship.  There was a great deal of wisdom laid out Sunday morning and I don't think I can do it complete justice.

The right time to study your spouse is before she becomes your spouse.  In today's modern age of instant everything, the days of extended courtships have long since gone.  The day of correspondence between lovers has passed into oblivion.  The TEXT generation has replaced the sonnet and the poem.  Still, there is a way to use the tools of this modern age to develop a proper courtship.  I don't want to repeat a lot of stuff that my Bro. Charles has placed in his blog.  I think everyone of you need to follow the link on this page and read what he put down.  What I want to do is re-phrase everything that was said in a concise practical way that will give every single guy in our fellowship a practical road map to finding God's will for a spouse.

STEP 1:  Make a shopping list.  Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you define what your prospective spouse must be like.  This list should express your intimate desires, your spiritual desires, and your ministry desires.  (As a note:  Bro. Jim made the powerful point, using 1 Corinthians 7:33 as to the man who doesn't have a wife being able to devote himself fully to the ministry of the Lord, but if he is married, his primary ministry is to his wife.  How many of us have viewed our wives as being our ministry focus?)  The statement was made, that most young men don't really know what they want, or what they want to be.  I say that is true only if we don't allow the Lord to tell us.  Too many scriptures point the other way around.   MAKE A LIST-BE SPECIFIC

STEP 2: Develop a set of interview questions based upon that list. If a corporation can develop a set of questions to ascertain whether you are worthy to be hired, you need to develop a set of questions to determine if a young lady will be a suitable spouse.  These questions need to be asked-BEFORE-a serious relationship begins.  Ask them before the passion takes over and the hormones overlook the obvious flaws.  Once the wedding is over, the flaws will become obstacles to overcome.  The list won't prevent you from going through rough patches and disagreements, but at least you won't be battling her essence.  Primary focus of your questions should be her Spiritual beliefs, her personal desire for ministry, and her dreams and aspirations.  Her essence will be revealed in these areas.  Remember not to ask leading questions.  EXAMPLE:  "I really feel a call to be a pastor, what do you feel called to?"  If she's 'hot' for you, she'll tell you want you want to hear, just like you will tell her what you want she wants to hear.  Maybe the best way to do the interview, is by having text chats with her.  When you are face to face, it is easy to let the pheromones and hormones run away with you.  Step back and go slow during the discovery phase.  If she is of like spirit, then you can take the relationship to the next level and discover deeper things of her essence.

STEP 3:  If she meets the Lord's requirements, then you can begin to determine if you are compatible with one another at an even more difficult level.  The issues of your backgrounds, families, and even your past, can be dealt with in trust and mutual admiration. It is important that you take your prospective spouse to your home church.  If she can't 'abide' your church, the two of you will never be whole.  Your church home is who you are. This is as much or more important than introducing her to your natural family.  Your spiritual family is what determines your future. If her first reaction is disgust, revulsion, or even confusion, you must stop the relationship before it goes too far.  Every man in the fellowship agreed.  There is no way to continue a positive relationship if she is pulling you away from the very source of your spiritual well.  There is no way for her to be happy, if you are pulling her away from her spiritual well.  After you are married is not the time to fix this problem.

STEP 4:  Wait!  Breathe!  Take your time.  If she is God's will, if she is the one God ordered for your life, if she is your soul-mate, love can only grow.  She will wait, she will want to be sure, and she will be joyous at your restraint.  Take the time to study her, pray with her, read the Word of God with her, and especially take the time to allow her to know you.  Just as you should give way to her essence, she should give way for yours. Take the time to discover what the unique creature the two of you will become, will look like.  Then when you have children, face death, change jobs, move from one place to another, or face life's most tragic battles, you will do it as ONE in the Spirit of God.

This kind of stuff is heavy truth.  I'm asking all of our single men to evaluate any relationship they are in and apply these tools to that relationship right now.  Find God's favor, (a wife) but make sure she is God's favor and not your desire.

As a last note: I'm reticent about adding this, but I feel I must.  God is not beyond fixing our mistakes. I know. I've screwed up my life in many ways, especially in the area of being a husband, making good life choices, and dealing with my own emotional issues.  Through my own shortcomings, God has always been faithful.  The best way to avoid damaging the one you walk through this life with, is to be sure she is God's choice for your life.  That way, when the two of you fall or stumble, there will always be the assurance that you were truly meant for one another.   Last minute cram sessions are not the way to pass life's tests.  There is a right time to study.

FLYING LOW AND FAST

For those who weren't there, I can't begin to describe how fantastic our last men's group was. We've had some good ones in the past, but this one was 'more better' than most. We're still in chapter fourteen of 'Every Mans Marriage,' and it is some good stuff. I wish this book had existed when I married my wife. More than that, I wish I'd have had the men around me that we have in this fellowship. When I was a teenager, all we learned was the stories of the patriarchs, the book of Revelation, and living to be 'rapture ready.' The idea of teaching men and young men to be better husbands and fathers wasn't even on the radar. What a shame. My wife would have been blessed, I would have been blessed, and my children would have been blessed.

So, why did I just say all of that? Because, we hit upon some fantastic truths Sunday morning that can change up our marriages in a big way. Thankfully, I wasn't the source of the truths. ONCE again, our Bro. Michael Crouch stepped up to the plate and laid down some deep truth and ideas. The title of chapter 14 states that we have to 'study' our wives in order to better serve them. I wish they'd have put this chapter at the beginning of the book.

We built off of last week's statement, that if we learn to pray daily with our wives, we can learn what is important to them by listening to what they pray for.

Pastor Eric emphasized that it is all part and parcel of 'paying attention' to your wife. The husband who cares about what his wife thinks and how she feels, will put her prayers together with her other expressions and discover her true essence.

The idea was put forward that if we are studying, we are 'reading' our wives the same way we study in school. We don't just memorize what is written, but we work to understand what we read. It was mentioned that many of us hear our wives, but we don't listen to our wives. It's like reading and not comprehending. We know what they said, but we don't understand it. It's not that they can't be understood, it's because we are often too busy, too self-absorbed, or even too lazy to try and understand. They give us warning signs, red flags, and even speed bumps, but we're flying so low, or going so fast, we don't pay attention to them. We can be in the same room with our loving brides, but not be there. One of the first signs we've trampled on our wife's essence, will be when she doesn't care what you think. It should be a big flashing warning sign. When she answers your query to how she's doing with “fine,” then you'd better get busy and figure out why she's not doing 'great.' (There's more to this statement, but it was only funny in context.)

One of the more interesting moments came about when we carried the 'studying' analogy out to it's logical conclusion. One of the major ways teachers measure whether you are comprehending what you are studying is by tests. The test for whether you know you wife, is in what you do. Your actions are how she knows if you truly know her essence. Most of the time, those 'tests' are going to be daily 'pop quizzes' that deal with 'now' issues. While most of us men tend to be 'future' oriented, women are reacting to the moment. Our tests won't be things we can see coming, but things we fall into. Bro. Aaron pointed out that it is the score from our pop quizzes that add up. We guys are good at semester exams and end of course type tests, but we totally mess up in the daily quizzes. For most of our wives, the grade we get from them is 90 percent for pop quizzes and 10 percent semester exams. Some of us are so lazy, we're always begging her for extra credit or make-up tests. “I promise honey, I'll do better the next time.”

If we've failed the pop quizzes, she isn't about to trust us with extra credit or make-up tests. Which is where Bro. Michael Crouch brought up the issue of trust. He talked about how important it was for our wives to trust us. That trust is based upon repeated performance. Without trust, we don't have a relationship. That trust is built in listening to her prayers, seeing her outreach, and focusing in on her desires above our own. If she knows we are all about her, she'll be far more apt to make her man the focus of her life.

WOW! Now do you see why I thought it was such a good study? This is the kind of stuff that can heal marriages and make families stronger. I guess the next big question is: do we really want to do that? The quizzes will show whether we do or not.

BACK TO BUSINESS

FIRST: I’d like to apologize for not keeping up the blog for the last two months.   I went through a very dark time spiritually where everything I thought I knew was put to the test.  I would never have made it without the loving support of my wife, my Pastor, and the marvelous men of our fellowship. 

SECONDLY:  I’m not going to give the evil one any credit by recounting what happened.  Some things are best left among the brethren. 

THIRDLY:  It was brought to my attention, that my blogs were too long. 

Never to be one to reject constructive criticism, I am going to make a concerted effort to condense the blog into the essential thoughts brought out in the study. 

Some things have changed in our men’s group and I’m glad for it. 

If you haven’t been in a while, we are now beginning the study with prayer group for the upcoming service and those who are going to be in the service.  I may be prejudiced, but I feel it has already made a difference in our Sunday morning services. 

The holidays closed us down for a couple of Sundays, so some of you haven’t missed too much. We just went through chapter 14 this last Sunday. 

I thought it was a fantastic study group with one major thought being brought forth.  Our Brother, Michael Crouch, by the power of the Holy Spirit taught us that there is only one real way to know and study your wife’s essence:  PRAY WITH HER.   Within your united prayers, are the answers to life’s questions, direction for your life, and even solutions to disagreements.  If we as men will pray with our wives for the daily needs and major decisions of our lives, we will find a common answer.  Her essence will be revealed to us, and she will see our heart. When we pray together, it is impossible for the Holy Spirit to speak two different  answers.  It is a simple solution, but it works.  This is why we need to meet together as men.  We need the wisdom of men like Bro. Michael.  His family is a testament to the power of the Lord to make a man a humble servant leader of the home.   There was other discussion, but it all came back to the same thought.  It is only within the framework of unity with our wives, that the home can grow.  That unity is forged in prayer and bible study.  Anything else is hard work. 

As a side note;  Monty Lamb spoke in the morning service and his message completely backed up everything that’d  been said in the men’s study group.