SHE IS WHAT YOU IS

 Yes, we're going to do another combo blog. One of the challenges I've given myself, is to take a little bit of the time that I've been committing to preparing for our study and do things to lighten Glenda's load. I could regale you for two pages about how busy this last week was, but then you'd have to call the Waambulance. Despite the busy weekend last week, and my lack of preparation, the Lord was faithful. We had a wonderful men's study group last Sunday.  We also had a fantastic study this Sunday.  Because these last two Sunday's have been on Chapter Ten, I'm going to combine both of them in this blog.

If some of you have been wondering why I haven't asked you to discuss the homework assignments I've given you over the last three weeks, the answer can be found in this chapter. Your first homework assignment was to evaluate your time and then ask your wife if there were at least five ways you could give her more time. I also asked you to make a list of your wife's qualities and attributes. Why?

Because, giving your wife your time, your interest, and submitting to her, is fruitless if you don't know how she compliments you. That is where your 'headship' comes into play. The head is the part of our body that determines how the rest of the body functions. Our physical body has certain autonomic functions that allow it to 'exist' if the brain stops functioning, but it is the head that determines where you go, when you go, and what you do when you get there. If you are ignorant, unwise, or just plain lazy, your body will eventually fail you or you will injure it beyond the ability to function properly. If you are the head of the unique creation that is both of you, what organ best describes your wife?

If you answered the heart, you are correct. The heart has a special place in the scriptures. It is mentioned three times more often than the mind. While you may view yourself as the head tiebreaker, big cheese, head honcho, big dog, or simply the king of your castle, you (the unique creation consisting of you and your wife,) will always be remembered more for your heart than for your smarts.

If you are genuinely interested in being one with your wife, you will attempt to discover the heart God has given you through her gifts and promote them. Why? Because God formed the both of you into one being for a purpose. What she is, is what you are. She is not your personal chief cook and bottle washer. She is not there to massage your feet, your ego, your shoulders or your neck. When God creates the unique married being that is you, he had higher and greater purposes in mind than your own petty existence. He knew what your strengths were and he knew what your wife's strengths were. He designed the both of you to be a dynamic powerhouse for his Kingdom. You have three tasks that you were uniquely designed to fulfill and she has an equal role in making them happen. Your first purpose is one that was given from the dawn of time; to multiply. God is all about multiplication. Addition can only go so far. Multiplication is where it is at. His desire is that you have natural and spiritual offspring. It takes the both of you to do that. You were created to make family, whether naturally or through adoption.

NUFF SAID.

Your next purpose is to bring glory to God through the acts of righteousness he has created you to do. (Ephesians 2:10) This isn't a one man, or one woman show. I truly believe that the purpose of children in our lives is to teach US what we can do as a team. If we fail that purpose, there is no ability to truly teach others. We can't become leaders or teachers if we were unable to bring our own 'body' (family) into a Godly purpose. When we fail to do God's purposes, we fail to bring him Glory. Our last purpose is to provide an environment for the Presence of God to dwell in. The Apostle Paul often spoke about our bodies being tents that contain the presence of God. Because of his celibacy, Paul could only think in terms of his own body, but if we hold that this unique being that God has formed of two people is ONE, then we have to accept the premise that it also is a tent that houses the Spirit of God. This unique oneness is the difference between the way the world thinks and the way God thinks. In God's purposes, the only difference between you and your wife in the scheme of God's plan, is that you are held liable for obeying the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Your success in fulfilling God's plan for your life is determined by how you allow your spouse to develop her gifting. The things that get in the way of that are the usual culprits like, jealousy, pride, selfishness, laziness, and ignorance. If you are the 'head' of the family, and these things are guiding you, then I guarantee you, you'll never be more than yourself. You might be a dynamic man of God, and she might be a gifted and loving woman of God. Without oneness, your ministries will never flourish. You will be cardboard cutouts that can be replaced by anyone. It won't matter how great you think your ministry is, it will always fall short of God's design. You might have a fantastic healing ministry, preach fantastic sermons, build massive churches, or even have a huge TV following, but you'll always be less than the sum of your parts. Your wife is you and you are your wife. If you try and live a life without her, you will eventually end up without her. The Holy Spirit entrusts us with the unique being that is US as long as we are willing to be led. When we bottle up our spouse and trample on her essence, we are really bottling up what God wants to do with US.

I hope I've piqued your interest enough for you to be wondering what your wife has that God wants you to promote. I know, the first place you're going to think about, is the typical 'wife' stereotypes. They can 'wash the disciples feet.'

BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Don't make God laugh.

THAT WAS FOR WIDOWS!

Let's try again. Before you croak and leave her alone in this world, she has a purpose in God's plan that is unique to the both of you. Before she can be a servant that washes disciples feet, you have to be a servant.

NOW, DO YOU GET IT! The whole bondservant thing is so she can grow and serve God's plans and the two of you can be a dynamic force for God's purposes on this earth. It's kind of like the horror stories you hear of women who never wrote a check their entire life and once their husband dies, they are terrified of having to do it. The bondservant enhances the strengths of his master. He recognizes them and promotes them. He makes every possible avenue available for his master to shine. The true bondservant must first recognize the latent gifts within his master.

To me, one of the things I've begun to realize in my relationship with Glenda, is if she asks me to do something that makes my flesh cry out, it's something I need to do in order to destroy the power of my own flesh. My flesh is the biggest obstacle to her being able to express her gifts. Her gifts are equally important to the plan of God as mine. That thing your wife makes you do, that you just don't understand why you have to do it, is God's gift waiting to be given. That gift may be for you to grow through, or it may be for someone else. Either way, her gift is now yours. It would be a 'stupid' man who refuses to use all the gifts available to him. This is the true definition of the word 'help-meet' used in the creation story. Your wife isn't there to keep you from being lonely. Adam didn't even know he was alone. God said it wasn't good for a man to be alone. Why? Because with the woman he bonds you to, you are an amazing creature with amazing abilities far beyond those you already possessed. In all of creation, only the 'married' creature was “very good.”

God can take two seemingly different people and make them into a marvelous being of amazing strength and purpose. I can guarantee you, her gifts will rub your flesh the wrong way until you submit to her and allow them to grow.

NOW, we're going to tie it all together. When you stop demanding your rights, and devote your time to your wife, you will discover her gifts. It will become clear to you who she is and how God wants to use her abilities as the creature that is uniquely, you. You don't have to ask her what her abilities are, they'll manifest themselves through her essence. If you want an even bigger clue, look for when she is the most beautiful. I'm not talking about when she puts on her Sunday best, dolls her face up, and looks like your wildest fantasy. I'm talking about those moments when she is so genuinely herself that nothing is needed to enhance her beauty. We've all seen those moments. It's those moments when her gifts are shining through without having to be forced or coaxed. You can be assured, that the moment she is the most beautiful is when she is expressing the gifts of God within her life and doing something far beyond the normal 'wife' routine she lives within. It is you building her confidence and giving her the opportunities to express herself. AND, that begins at home. If she feels safe and sure of herself at home, she will feel safe and sure of herself outside of the home. Her gifts will be expressed in all areas of her life and she will be the most beautiful person you've ever seen. In turn, you will become the most beautiful person she's ever seen. She will know you see her for who she is and what she can do.

The only way she can do that, is if you give up your rights, give her your time, and provide her the opportunity to express her gifts. I've never wanted to discuss the exercises I gave you, because I've only wanted you to see for yourself what is going on. Are you overbearing and demanding? Do you monopolize her time? Do you give her encouragement to be herself? Do you serve her in love. Do you know who she is and appreciate her for it? Are you lazy and unwilling to bear her burdens? Have you allowed your job to be an excuse for avoiding her?

Let me tell you the story of a beautiful couple I knew while stationed at Little Rock Air Force Base. (We'll call them Tim and Kathy.) Tim was a successful businessman, who often worked ten to twelve hours a day at his office in Sherwood, Arkansas. He taught Sunday School, led the singing, and was faithful to any special event the church went to. His wife, Kathy, was an attractive, vibrant mother of two beautiful girls. She was also the head of a major non-profit organization in Jacksonville. Tim's business always came first as he worked to provide the home and lifestyle he thought Kathy desired. From the outside, they appeared happy and fulfilled. They went someplace special every year as a couple. When they weren't at work, they were together. Everything looked perfect. Tim retired from his company, with the full expectation of spending his remaining days fishing, gardening, and chasing his wife around the kitchen table. DIDN'T HAPPEN! Tim soon discovered that Kathy was unwilling to retire. Her life had moved beyond Tim and she wasn't interested in being pursued around the kitchen table by a man who'd stopped pursuing her years ago. In less than a year after Tim retired, they were divorced. His long hours and absences had convinced Kathy that he wasn't interested in her beyond the bed. Being home all day without her was too great a temptation. He'd never made room for her and her gifts in his life, so she made her own life. This isn't God's intent for us.

There were so many fantastic things said during the study. We talked about making room in our lives for our wives to shine and manifest the gifts God gave them. Last week, Jim pointed out that our wives are looking for us to provide an environment that will give them the confidence to exercise their gifts. They will know when we are moving in the power of the Spirit by our faithfulness to our daily devotions and our prayer life with them. Our wives know the difference between a man led by the Spirit and a man led by his own desires.

WOW! Way to go, Jim!

It is the Holy Spirit that gives life to the marriage, so who better to guide it?

That's all I'm going to give you, because I want you to go visit Bro. Charles' blog and look at his notes. You'll get a different perspective.

We are moving along nicely, but we're still not done with chapter ten.  There is one  discussion to go, and it will be a major punch in the gut for all of us.  

Mid Week Tune Up: WHERE DO YOU WANNA GO?

It's married people's shorthand. All of us do it in different ways for different things. Glenda and I developed our shorthand around the ritual of dining out. From the very first date, our favorite thing to do together was to go out to eat. I don't want anyone to get me wrong, Glenda can COOK! I would rather have a home cooked meal made by her than anything made at a restaurant. At the same time, I know that cooking is hard work. The last thing I want my bride to 'have' to do, is prepare a meal for me after a long day of work. Whether she realized this was the reason or not, if I had the money, I'd rather have her time. Going out to eat was never about the food, it was about being able to be with her without the pressure of cooking or cleaning up. When the children came along, that all changed. We lived 12 miles away from the nearest city, and it became increasingly harder to get away. With two little girls and a poor paying job, eating out was a luxury. At that time, Glenda wasn't employed, and she always had a meal ready when I came home from work. Then came the leanest year in our life. There were days I ate nothing, but homemade bread. I'm here to tell you, man can't live on bread alone. I ended up in the hospital with an attack of e-coli from malnourishment. A couple of years later, when I enlisted in the Air Force, we began to have the means to go out. It never occurred to us to leave the kids with anyone else. She would meet me every day and we'd have lunch at the little snack bar outside our shop. Our children became our way to make friends. After our son Anthony came along, we would have never gone anywhere without them. For one thing, they were fun to take out. A poor man's entertainment is his children. If you listen carefully, and watch closely, you can figure out what they'll be like when they grow up, by how they act when they're out to eat.

The Air Force was good to me, and I progressed in rank quickly enough to stay ahead of the poor house. Before long, we found ourselves in Las Vegas, Nevada enjoying a new lifestyle. This is where the marital shorthand began to develop. As soon as Anthony entered school, Glenda went to college. My assignment was at a remote location in the Nevada mountains and I was gone four days out of the week. When I would come home, the last thing I wanted, was for Glenda to have to cook. Thankfully, Las Vegas was inexpensive and exciting at the same time. We made it our goal to eat at every buffet in town at least once. Over the course of four years, we finally settled for the buffets at Sam's Town (with the kids,) Caesar's Palace (without the kids,) and occasionally the buffet at the Golden Nugget (with and without kids.) It was in Las Vegas that Glenda and I began our “date night” ritual. One night every week we had what we called our date night. We weren't parents for that night. The problem was, I liked eating at Caesar's Palace and she liked the Golden Nugget. So, began the shorthand.

“Where do you wanna go?” I'd ask, while really meaning: “I don't wanna go to Golden Nugget, but I'm being nice here, so don't let me down.”

“Where do you wanna go?” she'd reply, while thinking “I know you wanna go to Caesar's Palace, but I don't. I'm going to do the nice wife thing and submit to your desires.”

“You choose.” I'd say, while actually meaning. “Look go ahead and say it, I won't like it, but I'd do it for you. That's because I'm a good husband and I can still reserve the right to grouse about the food if we go to the Nugget.”

“No, I chose last week, where do you wanna go?”

DANG! She pulled the I got my way the last time trump card.

“Caesar's Palace?”

Yeah, why not? Wasn't it about going on a date and being together more than what we ate? It wasn't too long ago, that she was baking homemade bread for me to take for lunch. By that time in our life, eating out anywhere, WITHOUT THE KIDS, was a treat. At least, I thought she should feel that way about it. Then, we moved back to Little Rock Air Force Base. Say bye bye to the cost of living adjustment, the inexpensive buffets, and free entertainment. It was fun while it lasted. The only thing that we brought forward with us, was Date Night.

FAST FORWARD twenty years. (Time flies when you're married.) We still have a date night. It's my favorite time. You're probably wondering why. Haven't we said all we can say to one another? We sleep together every night. We've been coast to coast, border to border, and ate out everywhere we went. I can tell you that the best pizza we've ever had was in Rantoul, Illinois, the best Mexican food was in El Paso, Texas, the best steak was in Amarillo, the best buffet was at Caesar's Palace, the best desert table was at the Golden Nugget, the cheapest prime rib was at Jerry's Nugget, the best Tex-Mex was in Austin, Texas, and the best hot dogs are all over the nation. My wife makes the best meat and potatoes in the world and I wouldn't pay anyone to make what they can't improve upon. I'd just go home disappointed.

Our marital shorthand hasn't changed much over the years except for what we mean when we're using it.

“Let's go out to eat, Baby.” Which is my way of saying, 'I don't want you to cook and I don't want to cook.'

“Where do you wanna go.” she asks, which is really her way of asking 'How much money do you have to go out with?”

If I tell her; “I don't care,” that really means “I have the money, Honey, if you have the time.”

Our conversations have moved from 'what I want' vs 'what you want,' to more practical issues of time and money. Even more subtle shorthand is used to discern whether we need to dress up or if we're going to go as we are. As a marriage progresses through time, a simple shorthand replaces things that don't need to be said or even things that shouldn't be said. Intimacy is a two edged sword. Knowing your spouse well, can give you great power to hurt if you aren't careful

A couple of years ago, I grew tired of the shorthand with Glenda and told her that Date Night was her night to choose where we go. She knows me well enough by now, to know what I like and dislike. She also knows that I will thankfully go anywhere she wants to eat, simply to be on a date with her. You see, while I've been a jerk most of our married life, one thing has remained constant throughout 36 years of marriage, I love to date my bride. Her laugh is still warm and free, her eyes still captivate me when I chance to peer into them, and she knows better than to wear strawberry flavored lip gloss.

What does all of this have to do with our study into Every Man's Marriage? If you didn't catch the subtle clues, here's the hammer to drive it home. TIME! Date night was proof that she had my time. Not only did she have my time, but she had my interest. At that time in my life, I didn't have the book to give it a name. Miraculously I stumbled upon one of the truths of the book without even knowing what I was doing. Many of us are like that. We don't know when we're doing the right things because we don't put a name to it. There have been a few times I've laughed at the simplistic statements the two authors make. At first I thought I was alone in my observation until one of the men in our group complained about how obvious much of what the authors were saying, was. He and his wife have been married longer than Glenda and I, and their marriage is a picture of oneness. BUT, this study is about more than trying to improve an old marriage like ours. A matter of fact, it's not about me, or Glenda at all. It's about us serving God in our marriages. It's also about helping the young men in our church do it better than we did. All marriages can be better, but hopefully by applying the principals we find in the book, we can help our young men become better husbands. They can give a name to specific actions they perform and eventually teach their sons the same thing. Hopefully we'll get things right in a generation or two. None of us have arrived at perfection, yet. I personally want to help our young men get a faster grip on being good men than I did.

If you're wondering how Glenda and I are doing, we are moving into the 'golden years' and I'm grateful she is still with me. Thirty six years is a long time to be with someone like me. You see, the problem is that even after all this time, she still surprises me. I'm always learning more about her. Amazingly, she is still a mystery that I enjoy reading. I'm not dreading our senior years, because at least I'll have more time to court her. Oh, sure, we'll still use marital shorthand, but I think we both know what we're really saying.

Good Enough

There are times I feel sorry for people looking at Christianity from the outside in. We must appear to be suffering from multiple personality disorder. One moment we're telling people that they can't do a thing to earn their salvation, and in the next we're giving them a long list of things that they need to do to remain a Christian. As religions go, Christianity has the greatest potential for abuses and confusion over any of the others. History bears me out on it. As a teacher, and Pastor, this ability to diffuse or confuse is always utmost in my mind whenever I'm teaching. How do I walk the fine line between admonition and condemnation? How do I make the distinction between exhortation and confrontation? I think what bothers me most, is that we are at a point in our study of Every Man's Marriage, where it is easy to fall into the trap of beating people up with the club of perfection. The problem isn't with Christ, and it isn't with the Church, it's with us. We think we know what a Christian should look, talk, and act like. If they don't, . . .BAM! . . . We bash them over the head with the word, or some great spiritual revelation that reveals their need to allow us to improve them. We're anxious to tell people; let me remove the splinter from your eye, but ignore the log in mine. While I know these problems exist in the church, it is the last thing I want to do to any of my brothers in the Lord. Lately, I've been so concerned about heaping condemnation upon the men of our faith fellowship. This is especially so, in the area of our families.

Over the last two Sundays, we've been looking at Chapters 8 and 9 of Every Man's Marriage. Chapter 8 was fairly straightforward, as bondservants to our wives, we have no rights. Everything we do, we do as unto the Lord. We treat our wives better than ourselves because in some mystical way we can't explain, they are ourselves, . . . they is us. . .we is them. . . we are one. We are confronted with another of Christianity's paradoxes; if I treat my wife better than myself, I am actually treating myself better than myself. If I give up my individual rights, I gain more liberty than I had before, through oneness with my wife.

HUH?

No, I'm not a candidate for a mental hospital. There is this marvelous spiritual principal that changes any sacrifice I may attempt to make, into a blessing for me. It doesn't matter how hard I try to make it about others, the Lord and Master of my life turns my selflessness into a blessing for me. (Word of warning, you can't manipulate God. It has to be genuine selflessness.) I wish I knew how it worked, but I don't. All I know, is that if I allow the Holy Spirit to express his love for my wife through me, I'm the one who get's the blessing. If I give up all my rights, I'm given far more freedom than I could ever ask for. If I give my wife all my time, I end up with twice as much time as I had before. (Yes, the same is true for the ladies.)

This week's lesson was shaped and formed by outside circumstances that helped to give credence to what we're learning. I began the lesson by talking about fathers needing to be more engaged in their son or daughter's computer experience. I had an unfortunate event happen to me, and I wanted to give everyone some information to help them avoid the same pitfall. One of the other circumstances was going to see Courageous at the movie theater. I was amazed by how much of what was said and promoted in the movie, was exactly what we've been doing for the last five years. If you haven't been to see the movie yet, I highly recommend it. Don't wait for it to come to DVD. Let's be on the same page on this one. I know it will be here in Harrison until Thursday night at least.

One reason you need to go see Courageous now, is that it mirrors what we're learning in chapters 8 and 9. The entire essence of the movie is your responsibility as a husband and father is going to require the sacrifice of your rights and time. What makes it so powerful, is that it demonstrates the biblical principal of giving. When you surrender yourself to your wife and child, you get so much more back than you gave away. I wish I could explain it without making it sound like a vending machine kind of faith. I've grown so weary of the 'me' centered messages you hear on Christian channels, and I don't want to sound like one. Christian radio is chock full of preachers promising you everything but the moon if you'll do what they suggest. Their message can be distilled down into one terrible lie: You're life will be perfect, your days will be long, and your baskets full of dollar bills, if you just follow their advice. The power of the Gospel is in how it changes your perspective, not your situation. If you follow the example of Christ, your love will be perfect, your days will be full, and your basket will overflow. . . with blessings. . . for others. You'll want it that way.

After I moved past the discussion of the movie, we opened up the Bible and read Ephesians 5: 15-17. Then, we opened up Every Man's Marriage to chapter nine. It didn't take us long to get to the heart of the matter. When we begin to discuss the issue of time, it always ties into making the person you give your time to, feel valuable. Our wives want to know that they are important to us, and time is the currency you use to validate it.

Brother Aaron brought out how it is even more than just giving them our time, but also giving them our attention. If we are engaged with them, listening, and connected with them, they will know how valuable they are to us. Time is what they want, but they want us to be with them when we are giving them that time. In listening to our wives, we expend time on them.

Okay, Aaron, it's about time for you to start teaching young men.

We made a sliding return to the movie again and discussed how being engaged in our families is how we can protect them from the dangers that are out there. We have to spend time giving our wives and our children the truths we learn and making sure they aren't involved in things that could lead to their destruction. Interest requires time and being connected. This can also lead to confrontation

Our discussion took a small detour as we discussed the dangers of chat rooms and unsupervised facebook accounts. (One of the underlying thoughts beneath any discussion of marriage is children.) The connected age we live in, demands a different kind of vigilance on the part of fathers. The young boy talking to your 15 year-old daughter on facebook, may actually be a 40 year old pervert. As Christians we aren't to live in fear, but at the same time we are to be vigilant and cunning. I wouldn't allow a stranger to roam the hallways of my house so why would I allow one to roam the digital hallways of my house?

Back to the lesson. Did we ever leave? The discussion turned to what we allow to occupy our time. Strangely, I was amazed at how easy it was to point to computers and phones as things which can rob us of our time with our families. Actually, I'd been leaning more toward our jobs. I didn't get the chance to look at our time surveys, but I do believe that work is the number one intrusion into our time with our wives and children. I think TV is a close second, but video games could be there too. I also wonder if 'church' activities could be in the mix? But, we didn't go there. It's funny how I can go into men's group thinking it will go a certain direction and end up going a completely different one.

We've learned a lot over the last three weeks. As bondservants, we made the choice to serve Jesus. It is our pleasure to serve him. In serving him, we become bondservants to our wives and our children. His will and purpose for their lives trumps our will and purpose for our own lives, and it is a pleasure to serve them. Their need for time and attention outweigh our needs. Their right to be taught and led by a spiritual leader, exceeds our right to live for ourselves. Many men aren't ready for this type of leadership. They want the perks of marriage, but they don't want to pay the price.

It's kind of like the little boy who was playing 'church' with his pet cat. The little boy sang to the cat, and led it in the prayer of salvation. A little later, the mother heard a commotion going on the little boy's bedroom and went inside to find the boy all scratched up, holding the drenched cat over a bucket of water.

“What are you doing?” the mother asked.

“I was baptizing him.” declared the little boy.

“Cats don't like water.” the mother said.

“Well he should have thought about that before he joined my church.” the boy said.

Men need to think before they join the 'church' of marriage. In today's modern age, nobody makes a man walk down the aisle and give himself to his wife. It's a voluntary decision. Our children need to be taught that marriage is so much more than having someone to sleep with. Maybe, we need to step up and be better fathers and teach our sons more than how to play sports.

As my parting shot, I was so impressed with the movie Courageous when the one father was explaining his resolution to be a better father. One of the men said; “You're a good father.” The other father's reply is what I hope all fathers will take to heart. “I don't want to be just good enough” Which brings me back to the beginning of the blog. The multiple personality disorder we appear to be living as Christians, isn't what is happening. We aren't saved by what we do, we do what we are saved for. It isn't about what we don't do, but about what we do. If we were meant to live as we were when we were first saved, it would not be called the “way.” We would not be walking on the highway called holiness, we'd be standing on the pinnacle of perfection. Our growth is paramount to the Kingdom. There is a big difference between works for salvation and acts of righteousness. Giving our time to our wives, our children, and to one another isn't how we're saved, it's how we live. It doesn't even prove we're saved. It's what we do because Christ lives in us. If he truly lives in us, we live him. As the Apostle James said: Faith without works is dead. Oh, and the inverse is also true.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

I'm going to combine the lesson summary and mid-week tune up into one blog this week, because I've been busy trying to bring my business bookkeeping up to date. Accounting and bookkeeping are my least favorite thing to do and I usually find myself scrambling to get it all done. I'd rather fix houses all day than spend five minutes doing the paperwork. I'm sure that is why businessmen hire accountants. 

Back to the lesson.

I hope you'll bear with me while I share an anecdote I did not share Sunday morning. 

My career field in the Air Force was Structural Maintenance. In layman terms, I fixed the metal skin and structure of the aircraft. One bright morning while I was sitting in the flight line dispatch truck waiting to go back to the shop after a hard night of fixing planes, I made the mindless remark that I would like to see an aircraft that wasn't broke. The Staff Sergeant driving the truck pointed toward and F-111 roaring down the runway. “There it goes, you fixed it two hours ago.” he smiled at me and waited for the realization of my stupid remark to come to me. “They're only broken while they're on the ground.” he added. The same is true of marriages, they're only broke when they are on the ground and can be inspected. It's only when we're able to stop and take a look around us, that we're able to make an evaluation of where the marriage has been and where it's headed. The problem with looking closely at your marriage, is you're not the only one in the mix. That's why so many of us, men and women alike, get hung up on what our rights are in a marriage. We're still focused on ourselves and not the unique creation that is 'us.' This is a concept the 'world' can't understand, and I will make no apologies for. The day of the Church trying to make sense to the world should be over. Oneness is a spiritual issue.

Some of you probably wonder why I hang up on certain thoughts and ideas in our men's group. Especially since we've been in chapters 8 and 9 for over two weeks now. The conclusion we've come to is rather simple. We're slaves of Jesus Christ. We have no rights and our time is not our own. So, why can't we move on? Don't we have it?

I can't answer that. All I know is that the Holy Spirit won't let me jump forward, yet. Maybe it's because in the time that it has taken me to write this small portion of the blog, another Christian couple have decided to end the unique oneness that God created. Statistically, there is a 1 in 10 chance that the underlying reason for the divorce was adultery. Statistics actually show that the other 9 divorces were probably filed under “mutual incompatibility” or “no fault.” In other words, one spouse or the other wanted their way and felt trampled on. The abuse may be real, the justification for divorce may make sense in the eyes of the law, but there is a deeper issue to which Jesus was alluding. The divorce is not the issue. The issue is our need to exercise our 'rights' above the need to serve one another. The fun of the courtship is over and the hard work of becoming the unique creation God intended us to be has begun.

If you're wondering when this study is going to be fun, you'll be waiting a long time. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. In Matthew 19:11, the Master makes it clear, not everyone can receive his teaching on marriage. Actually, a true marriage, not just cohabitation, requires a great deal of work. We're not talking salvation, religion, or studying the intricacies of the Word of God. We're looking at the one institution that predates any 'Word' of God. Marriage is primal, and basic. What changes it up for Christians, is the Spirit of God dwelling within us. It took me a long time to figure out what the Lord was saying when he was addressing the Rabbis who asked him about divorce. Now, I know, and it brings me to consider and repent.

I must think differently about marriage.  I used to go around complaining to God and whining to him; "What about me?"  Then, one day he showed me what I was actually saying; "It's all about meeeeeeeeee."   My wife wasn't and never was the problem, I was. I had a legalistic view of marriage and it stunk.

As a slave of Jesus Christ, I am bound by a higher standard than the 'law.' I am bound by the breath of God and the 'vow' I made at an altar, with God and man as witnesses. There is no fun in that.  There is no way to make it a carefree casual moment. The only fun I'll have now, is what "we" have together. This is a tough teaching and one that not everyone will receive.  At that altar, God took two people, killed them both, and recreated a new life. Therefore, the instruction, “Let no man put asunder what God has joined.(Dave's paraphrase.)” When I died at that altar, my rights as an individual died with me. I'll explain what I mean as I detail the lesson.

We began the lesson by turning to 1^st Corinthians 7, reading verses 1 through 20. I asked everyone to pull out their different translations and read specific verses, like verse 3, 4 and 10. These verses bring to light the truth that marriage is not to be entered into casually. The days Paul lived in were perilous, and today even more so. Here in America, Christians enjoy great freedom from religious persecution, but this is not the case everywhere. Persecution can involve torture of family members, as well as killing them right in front of you. This wasn't uncommon in the Roman empire during the beginning of the Church. Paul's concerns weren't for the issue of celibacy, as much as it was for the concern of the family. The institution of Marriage was God's most glorious creation. Everything he'd done to that point was 'good,' but when he made the unique being called 'Adam and Eve,' he stepped back and announced it was "very good." 

The reason I even brought up the passage in 1^st Corinthians, is because of verse 4. There is no gray area or ambiguity about this verse and it supports the theme in chapter 8 of Every Man's Marriage. Once we are married, we have no rights beyond the needs of our spouse. This goes way past the issue of sex (which is what Paul is addressing.) The wife is not in charge of her own body, but her husband is; likewise, the husband is not in charge of his own body, but his wife is. 1^st Corinthians 7:4 CJB

In my lifetime, I've seen this verse perverted by men to demand sexual service from their wives when the wife didn't want to have sex. HELLO, did they forget to look at the second half of the verse? We have to remember that Paul sees marriage as a spiritual metaphor. He is not going to say anything to conflict with or confuse his view of our spiritual relationship with Christ within the metaphor. As Paul continues the instructions for whether people should stay married, he drops a bombshell in verse 10. He references the Lord's command. So, what was the Lord's command? We went to Mark 10:1-12 and Matthew 19:1-12. I wanted to read both of these from “The Message.” The question the teachers were asking was the wrong question to ask Jesus. “Is it legal for a man to give a woman a divorce for any reason?”

Jesus' reply is to push the issue of legality into their lap. “What did Moses say?” If legal issues are what you are hung up on, then what did Moses command? He was well aware that religious leaders of the day were deeply divided between two schools of thought about divorce. To answer their question based upon Moses would play into their hands. Time hasn't changed anything. We still want a legal reason to dismiss a woman when she is no longer attractive to us for whatever reason. Not to hang the problem on men only (more than half of all divorces are filed by women today,) the issue is ignorance of God's intent. Covenant, commitment, and communication are no longer important. Erotic and familial love are misconstrued to be enduring love, while the fertility idol of passion is given center place in our homes. The common misconception today, is if we're not having fun, something is wrong. I'm sure Jesus would push everyone's button by saying: “In the beginning it was not so.” He spoke out twice against no-fault divorce. YET, there is an even deeper issue happening in what the Lord says in Matthew 19:6. “(Mat 19:6) Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” Here we have 3 thoughts we have to carry forward into our discussion of 'rights.' Jesus defines the issue of marriage in terms of what God intended from the beginning: (a) The two are now one. (b) The oneness is formed by God (c.) No man should attempt to destroy it.

The last admonition strikes a chord with me. I grew up with my mother warning me to never come between a man and a wife. Within her heart was the sure conviction that any woman or man who broke up a marriage were doomed. Let's put this in simple terms. God is the one who has created the married being, don't try and end it except for adultery or fornication. The admonishment isn't to some outside third party, it is to the 'couple' themselves. The vow spoken with the breath of God, is not to be broken. The permanence of the vow is broken only when one or the other 'joins' to another. This act alone destroys the unique being formed by the Lord. The act of adultery is as if a sword is used to cut the couple in half. The death of the unique creation is just as heinous as if a killer went in and murdered one of them. The victim of adultery is trust. Within the act of infidelity, is the murder of the faith and love in the other person.  Our Lord did not make very many commands, but this is one of them. It's as if he's saying “thou shalt not kill the married being.”

This is where 'demanding your rights' comes into play. The problem with demanding your 'rights,' is completely different than a single act of infidelity. You don't kill the marriage with one swift blow, but you kill the marriage one little knife cut at a time. It is as if you die of a thousand little cuts, with your spouse slowly oozing the blood of her love. When we demand 'our rights,' we drive the knife in deeper, and deeper each time. “Our time” becomes “my time,” our money becomes my money, and so on and so on. All the while, God's creation lies dying in a pool of blood.

This isn't popular thinking. In today's modern age, marriage is no longer a unique creation, but a phantasm that scares people. Our Brother Tony, mentioned that he'd heard how the Mexican government was toying with the idea of 2 year marriage licenses. If the couple aren't happy at the end of 2 years, they simply wouldn't renew their contract. What Bro. Tony didn't know, is that I'd already read the same story and had it ready to read. The people proposing the idea didn't want couples to go through the hassle of a divorce.

If this kind of humanistic thinking continues, there will be more regulations governing the breeding of animals than the joining of man and wife. It's childish thinking. A four-year-old is capable of more selfless thinking than that. It's as if a little child says: If I don't get “my rights,” I'll just walk away. I'm not happy! Forget the little lives brought into a world where they'll never know their real parent!  Forget the significance of the sexual act and it's meaning to God. The days of Noah are fast upon us.  

The servant leader, knows his rights, knows his position, but yields with joy to the one who created the unique married being. Now, it is a new body we have to maintain, and that body is more than one body, more than one flesh, one spirit, one heart, one mind. This concept goes to the idea of 'body' ministry taught by Paul concerning the church. How can we expect to get the church body ministry right, if we can't get the marriage body ministry right?

As I said earlier, this idea of 'rights' is not unique to men, but like our Bro. Aaron said, if we practice the idea of being the servant leader to our wives, we are only answerable for ourselves. We must do what is right before our Lord.

Bro. Jim put it even more succinctly when he said that as we become more of a servant leader, it allows our spouses to respond to us in love and the marriage will improve little bit by little bit. The more we practice it, and make it real within ourselves, the more our wives will trust our servant hearts.

YES! I agree whole-heartedly! More than them changing their minds about us, I believe we are the ones who are changing. In putting the servant leader concept into practice, we no longer focus on our 'rights.' We'll discover the true joy of servanthood. The little child within us finally grows up and becomes mature. We love as God loves, we participate in the divine nature. Even if our wives haven't moved one inch in our direction, we've come a thousand miles toward them. It would appear to us as if they'd drawn closer. It is the same thing Christ did for us. At one time we were at enmity with God, antagonistic, and without concern for him. God sent his son to pull us to him. He made the sacrifice. He valued us more highly than himself. He wasn't satisfied with just rescuing us, he made a way for us to be joined with him in spiritual matrimony. We are not our own, we are bought with a price. The same is true of the marriage. If we can't love our wives as Christ loved the Church, we are already separated from them. When we demand our own way, insist on our rights, we build a wall of hurts that cuts us off from one another. Every 'right' we demand is another brick in the wall between us.

As servant leaders, we only have one right, one privilege, one gift; and that is to love our wives as Christ loves the church. Instead of a wall dividing us, Christ becomes a cornerstone we can build a successful marriage on.

Class over, we can all go home.

In next week's lesson we'll look at the importance of time and how it gives value to our spouse.