The Insanity of Isolation

It was good to be back with my brothers in the Lord this morning.  The trip to San Antonio for my son Anthony’s wedding, was a blur of activity punctuated with moments of immense joy.  It was an awesome time with new family, and old family alike, but it was way too short, and way too hectic.  Next time we go down that way, it will be to visit.

 

Now to the lesson. 

Thanks to Bro. Charles for stepping in and taking care of the study while I was away.  He assigned Chapter Six to us, so I had to get myself back up to speed.

As I read Chapter Six, I found myself taken back to our study into “Every Man’s Marriage.”  Bro. Yoder’s book wasn’t intended to be a marital self-help book, but there are moments when he can’t help but go there.  If you are going to talk about men, you invariably have to talk about women, spouses, mothers, and daughters. 

As the first of three boys, my concept of women was totally based on my mother.  My mother is not like all other women (to which all my family can testify,) and I totally messed up my first marriage expecting my first wife to be like her.  Thankfully, for my second wife (of over 36 years and counting) I figured it out, and did not hold her to that image.  However, I did spend the first few years of our marriage trying to understand women.  You can imagine my sheer terror when my first child turned out to be a girl.  WHAT?  You want me to father a. . . girl?   I am more convinced than ever, God has a wild sense of humor.  As if to prove his point to me, he gave me another daughter quickly thereafter.  It was in this jumble of WOMEN, that I learned one truth of which no man can shake me; MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT ALIKE.  It is more than the plumbing, it’s the wiring.  I’m sure that I’ll get lots of hate comments from wild-eyed feminists and neutral genderists, but as the father of two girls, and one boy, I can tell you there is a difference.  I believe this is why Wes Yoder titled chapter six of his book; THE POWER OF OPPOSITES. 

Even though Bro. Charles assures me he assigned everyone to read chapter six, it was obvious that not everyone had.  So, I had to improvise upon my original plan.  NO, let me rephrase that; the Holy Spirit had other plans.  I had hoped to spend time discussing what I saw as the obvious differences between the books: Every Man’s Marriage and Bond of Brothers.  Instead, we found ourselves discussing why your wife can’t be your best friend, and then we eventually began to discuss the insanity of isolation. 

It wasn’t hard to go this direction, because Wes Yoder deals with both issues from the beginning of the chapter. We discovered that Bro. Yoder was right, a man should never make his wife his best friend.  Each of us had stories of things we would never say or share with our wives, not out of fear, but out of respect for the lovely creature to whom God had bonded us with.  We don’t have any business dumping our “crap” on the one whom we cherish.  Our best friends, can take our crap and not make it their own.  We can tell our best friend when someone rains on our parade and they’ll tell us where to find umbrellas.  However, if you tell the same thing to your wife, it will take her three times longer than you to get over it.  Eventually, you give her enough garbage, she’ll begin to gag.  So, we all pretty much resolved that we would treat our wives better than our best friend.  Hmmm! So, for all of you wives who want your men to be your best friend, think again. Trust me, you don’t want us to give you the mess in our lives.  You’ll eventually hate us.

From this point, it wasn’t but just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the insanity of isolation.  That is what Wes Yoder’s book is all about.  Men who are isolated, have no way to remain sane.  Every great man of God who has failed throughout the ages, did so because he allowed himself to be cut off from his woman and his fellow men. It is in the throes of isolation that our imaginations run wild.  When our focus is on ourselves, vanity overthrows reality, and the lies of the evil one are left unexposed to fester. As someone who used to believe he could be a hermit, I know what this dark place looks like.  I’ve seen the filthy underbelly of my own self-centeredness.  I know what it is like to have morbid thoughts and twisted dreams.  I’ve turned on the light in the middle of the night and seen the wild-eyed creature that sneaks up when no one is there to talk sanely.  I truly believe that every vile and despicable thing men are capable of doing, is birthed in the torture chambers of isolation.  I also know, that the distance between the presence of God, and living in hell on earth, is measured in the few brief seconds it takes to make a phone call, write a text, or reach for your wife’s hand.  Isolation can occur even if you are in the largest church, the loudest family, or even in a crowded city.  Isolation is the incubator of insane thoughts and motives.  A man who is isolated, will blame everything on everyone else.  He can have a loving and devoted wife, but see her only as the reason for all of his ills.  He can be surrounded with caring and compassionate friends, and believe that he is the only one who sees things clearly.  Isolation is only a hairs breadth from desolation.  It is why we need our bond of brothers.

 

Ladies, let me tell you, you are not enough!  There is a place in your man, you don’t want to go. There are thoughts only another man can understand, and help him deal with.  There are things you don’t need, or want to know.  When the insanity of isolation comes sneaking in the back door, it takes another man to grab those thoughts and reveal them for the lies they are.

 

Finally, for those brothers who weren’t there this morning, here’s your assignment.  I want you to all read chapter six.  I also want you to be ready to recount your funniest  husband and wife story (make sure your wife knows what you are going to share.)  I also want you to be ready to share one of the most trying times in your marriage.  Same rule applies.  The stories of our lives are what give us the courage to go on.  

WHO AM I ?

WHO AM I

This morning, in our Men’s Group, we continued our study into Chapter five of ‘Bond of Brothers.’   If I were to sum up this week’s study into one word, it would be SIGNIFICANCE.  Actually I would rather use four words: The illusion of Significance. 

Wes Yoder paints a realistic picture of the men who live their lives searching for significance.  It is fleeting, and often not accorded to us while we are alive.  Very few men in this mortal plane, achieve significance.  It is easy to gain fame, notoriety, and even achieve great things, but significance is fleeting.  The talented gain fame in whatever endeavor they are talented in if they are disciplined enough to harness their gift.  The powerful, crafty, and charismatic will gain notoriety or villainy.  There are those who with a combination of talent, money, wisdom, charm, and power, will achieve great things, but significance has nothing to do with any of our latent abilities, gifting, or skills.  Significance is reserved for those who rise above seemingly hopeless odds, insurmountable challenges, or world changing events with their dignity and integrity intact. 

Often times, when we are looking to be significant, we are actually looking for validation.  Is there a good reason for me to keep using up valuable air?  OR,  as Wes Yoder asks; “is this all there is?”  Some men are content to live their lives in anonymity, and never live beyond the scope of their skills, talents, or gifting.  In America, we place our value in the sports stars, actors, or even politicians who rise above the common rabble. We idolize them, pay money to go see them, support them, and even die a little when they fail.  We hitch our wagons to a falling star, only to crash and burn with them. 

Moses found himself at this point at the base of Mount Horeb, when he was confronted with a God who was about to anoint him with significance.  Moses had grown up in the court of Pharaoh as a Prince of Egypt.  HOW SIGNIFICANT WAS THAT?  Royalty is bequeathed upon very few men.  Yet, even being a prince of Egypt could not compare with the significance with which God was about to anoint Moses.   When God instructed Moses to return to Pharaoh, and demand that the ruler of the mightiest nation on earth release the Hebrew children, Moses shook his head in disbelief and asked; “Who am I?” 

Every man has asked that question of himself when confronted with circumstances that demand us to step outside of who we believe we are.  I especially like how God never seems to answer our questions directly.  He told Moses, “I am with you, always.”  God’s answer, though subtle, was as valid then as it is today.  Moses was the man God walked with.  The bible tells us that God talked to Moses face to face.  As Christians, we have an even deeper relationship with God than Moses.  THAT IS SIGNIFICANT!   

When we find our significance in who we are in Christ Jesus rather than what we do, we’ll move into the place of honor God has prepared for us.  The heartbreaks, struggles, and achievements of this life will pale in the significance of being “the one who walks with God.” 

The search for worldly significance will leave us empty and hollow as death approaches.  Validation is seen in the eyes of our children as they imitate us.  Significance is realized when they surpass us.  A significant life is found in Christ Jesus.  

Bro. Charles Summers will be moderating and teaching the men next week, so everyone be prepared with your homework.  (Read the last two pages of Chapter Five and Change the list to answer the question: If I live my life base on who I am in Christ Jesus, what will I do?)  

Everyone have a good time, Glenda and I are leaving for San Antonio this week to see our son Anthony take the hand of the LOVELY Miss Elizabeth Hollingsworth and make her his bride.  Pray for us as we travel.     

THE GLORY OF FATHERS AND SONS

We had a fantastic crowd of men this morning in our men’s group.  Four of our men just returned from Nicaragua and you could tell the trip had made a major impact upon them.  Of the twenty men in our study this morning, I was thrilled to note that thirteen of us have made at least one or more trips to Nicaragua over the last eight years. There is a bonding of heart and purpose in making these trips.  What is even more powerful, is that at least five of our men have taken their sons with them when they went.  I know I sound like a broken record, but this is another proof of the character of the men who allow me to pastor them. I am humbled and in awe of them.

 At the beginning of chapter four of the book, Bond of Brothers, there is a short quote from a prayer made by one of the men in Wes Yoder’s Dinner and conversation group.  He prayed; In our fathers, we saw glimpses of you.  I can say that about so many of the men in our fellowship.  I see more than just glimpses of the Father in them. 

Last week I asked the men who were at the study, to read chapter four and be ready to answer the question;  “What is the one thing you wish your father had told you?”   Actually, the exercise was a ploy to get them to draw out of themselves the feelings that so often plague us as men. The enemy loves it when he can cause boys to become angry with their fathers, which in turn shuts up the well spring of wisdom and truth that should exist between fathers and sons. This was one of his original ploys in the Garden of Eden.  ‘The father hasn’t told you everything.’  ‘He doesn’t want you to be like him.’  ‘There is something wrong with you.’  ‘He doesn’t want you to have fun.’  It doesn’t matter how it’s phrased, the lie is the same, and the result is the same.  Teenage boys find themselves ashamed of their mistrust, fearing discovery, and cut off from the one relationship that brings them life.  In God’s case, He already knows, He is ready to forgive, and only wants for us to reach out to Him.  The same is true of our earthly fathers.  Every man knows himself, and because he knows himself, he knows his son.  Sadly, when you are a guilt ridden, sin riddled teenager, the last person you reach out for is the very man who will love you unconditionally.  The guilt is almost insurmountable. Thus continues the cycle of silence from eons past.  What’s more, because our fathers were unable to overcome the silence in their lives, they don’t know how to break the wall of silence between them and their own sons.  LET ME HELP YOU!   Say three words to your children; I love you.  When they push you  away; I love you.  When they scream and yell; I love you.  When they hide or run away; I love you.  Every day, every chance you get, tell them you love them.  Don’t let the lie of the enemy fester in their heart.

In chapter four, Wes Yoder asked a group of men the question;  “What was your father like?”  This question is like opening a window into a man’s soul.  What I like about our group of men, is that I know what most of them are like.  I know one father whose heart is so tender toward his sons, that he will come to me quietly and tell me when a callous word or accidental slight has injured his sons.  Perhaps you’ve missed the importance of what I just said.  It isn’t that he came to me that is important, it’s that his sons trust him enough to let him know their feelings.  This is a father who has a real relationship with his sons.  You can see it in the quality of his sons.  What’s more, is I know his sons will deepen the well spring of love and communication with their own children.

 

You see, our relationship with our earthly fathers  is inextricably linked to our need for relationship with our heavenly Father.  Before Jesus came on the scene, we were like rebellious sons, unable to have a decent conversation with the father of our souls.  Our sins stood between us, and we could only hope for peace between us.  Once we have a genuine born again experience, we stand glorified, and eager to glorify.

 

“ Father, the hour has come. Glorify your Son so he can give glory back to you.”  John 17:1  NLT

 and

 “I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one.”  John 17:22 NLT 

Every GOOD father wants to glory in his sons.  While you might be able to get men talking about their fathers, try asking them about their children.  The conversation will never stop.  Beyond work, game, weather, and artificial religious talk, a man loves to talk about his children to anyone who will listen, except his own children.  It’s easier to berate, or withhold praise because we don’t want them to think more highly of themselves than they ought to.  This wasn’t always the case.  In ancient Jewish tradition, a father would take his grown son to the city square, and declare: “This is MY son, in whom I am well pleased.”   At that moment, the son became equal to the father in every respect.  It was as if you were doing business with the father.  Everything the father did, the son could do.  This needs to be a rite of passage for our own sons.  I’ve told all of you about the day, my father stood up for me against the man who was bent on suing me.  My father put himself between that man and myself.  In essence, he was declaring that I was his son and that he was pleased with me.  On that day, he made me a man, and showed his pleasure with me, and from that day forward,  I wanted to do more to affirm his faith in me. On that day, I became his equal. When we release our sons from the bondage of never quite measuring up, we actually release them to love us more.  I believe it is at this point that true father and son dialogue can begin. 

In our newfound ‘relationship’ we can ‘hear’ about our weaknesses and  rejoice in the fact that our father is  willing to be strong for us where we are weak.  In our new found position as a ‘man,’  we can rest assured that our father will guide us through the tough spots, giving us his wisdom without making us feel stupid for asking.  His discipline won’t seem as cruel or insensitive as it did before we knew how he felt about us.  From the position of favor, we know that we can be like him.  OH, were we talking about earthly fathers and sons? 

FROM THIS MOMENT ON, I speak against the generational sins that bind up men’s lives and destroy families.  The men and young men of our fellowship will walk in the glory of the Father.  Sons will be like the SON, daughters will walk as virgin brides in love with their fathers till it is time for them to be given joyfully to a son of God.  We will all be about the Father’s business.  We will do what we see the Father do, and we will say what the Father says.  The glory of fathers will be passed to their sons, and a new generation of men will rise up to proclaim the love of the Father to their own children.

 

Mr. Yoder I hope you’ll understand when I tell you chapter four gave too much time to the sin and shame issue.  Yes, I believe it WAS shame that kept men silent, but not anymore.  The power of the cross is changing up every one of us.  We are KINGDOM men, living a KINGDOM life. 

READ CHAPTER FIVE!