I Wasn't Always a Father

This isn't a lesson, and you don't have to read any further, but it is my hope that you do.  A little over a year ago I had a conversation with one of our men about regrets.  I said I didn't have any, but that wasn't entirely true.  Many years ago (almost fourteen to be exact), I had a epiphany; regrets are nothing more than a lack of faith in God's promise to work all things for good.  I realized that I couldn't go back in time to redo things, nor could I apologize enough to make things right. This is especially true of being a father.  I truly believe that regrets rob us of our present, but as of late, due to being stuck at home, it seems I have lots of moments.  So, if you'll excuse me for being a little too transparent, I'm going to air one regret. This regret is from my childhood.  I know that was something akin to when dinosaurs roamed the earth, but believe it, or not, I wasn't always a father. This regret will seem silly, and trite, but it is real. As with all regrets, this one begins with the magical phrase; I WISH...

I wish I'd gone to Antartica.

When I was a wee young lad, I had dreams of going to Antartica.  I know that's not very spiritual, but for me, it was something I dreamed about, planned for, and even saved pop bottles for.

I was in the sixth grade, and had just read a book about Roald Admunson the first man to make it to the south pole.  I'm not sure if I was ten or eleven when I began dreaming of going to the south pole, but I do remember daydreaming about it. In my passion for all things Antarctic, I'd watched a science fiction movie about people at the south pole, and I designed my own snow tractor.  In my mind, I didn't need a motor, I could run the tracks using my old bicycle.  I would build it out of plywood, which is why I needed pop bottles.  My dad had all the saws and tools, so I could construct it in the back yard.  I drew up plans, saved up pop bottles, and read everything I could find about Antarctica.  One day my sixth grade science teacher caught me drawing my snow tractor in class.  He asked me what I was doing and I told him.  Instead of dashing my dreams with reality, he challenged me to keep on planning. Never once did I feel as if he didn't believe me.  I told him how I would make my way through Mexico, Central America, and then all the way down through South America.  From there, I would leave Argentina and make my way by ship to Antarctica.  I believed I could do it... 

Until Dad said; No!

I never made it to the South Pole, but to this day I can't resist a news article about the ice bound continent. When I pass this vale, my one regret will be that I didn't make it to Antarctica.

So what does Antarctica have to do with fatherhood?  It has to do with remembering you were a child once, and you weren't always a father. I keep talking to you about time, about talking with your children, but do you listen to them?  Do you listen to them with lifeless ears, dulled by years of unfulfilled dreams, and the clamor of reality, or do you remember a time when you weren't always a father.  Over the years I have counseled couples, and even young men about the course of their lives.  Sadly many people spend their lives wishing they'd married someone else, done something else, lived somewhere else, when the truth is they are actually looking for that child they used to be who they are inside.  In the last lesson I challenged you to create the lap of a father.  That should be a place where dreams are born, hope is given, and life is breathed into their soul.  The problem is we grow older, and forget the dreams, and the passions that motivated us. We stop believing in ourselves, and the God of the possible.

The first casualty of growing older is the ability to believe.  During this lockdown due to the Chinese Coronavirus,  I see so many lifeless souls moving around without dreams or hope.  Our society of fear locks people up in their homes, all under the premise that we're protecting the elderly and infirm. Liars, all of them.  They just fear for themselves. Their dreams, aspirations, and hopes have been replaced with fear. NO, I don't believe being a Christian exempts me from getting the virus. I'm sure many good Christians have died from it.  What being a Christian means is that you know this life isn't all there is. Death is inevitable, how you go there is the measure of your faith.

I had dreams of Antarctica, and being an explorer.  I had dreams of being a superhero...I had dreams.  So does every child.  Every little girl, and little boy dreams big dreams. Almost every boy my age would take a towel and a clothespin and become Superman in their mind. I think it is the most awesome gift of God that we dream bigger than ourselves.  I could tell you the dreams of my children, but I let reality scare me and them.  Sure, I know my intentions were good, but I wonder how much more they could have done if I'd followed them a little bit.

So many people say that seeing is believing, but I know that God told us we have to believe before we can see. It is that inverse of faith that has created all of mankind's greatest achievements.  That is the Kingdom gift we often leave behind as we grow older.  My sixth grade science teacher, Mr. Pope looked at my sketches in a spiral notebook and didn't laugh.  He encouraged me to do the research, and challenged me to know more about my dream.  One day, that dream was torn out of the notebook, crumpled up and thrown into a trash bin.
Even though I would love to go to Antarctica today, my other childhood dreams have been realized. I joined the Air Force and worked on jet fighters, I served God all my life.  Now, I have a wonderful wife, great children, and awesome grandchildren, a nice home, good vehicles, a bank account, and a loving awesome heavenly Father.  I've done things that some of you would not believe, and been happy for the doing. 

I just haven't been to Antarctica.

Do you know what your children dream of doing?  It'll change over the years, but some dreams live on inside you despite being that grumpy, old, spoil sport called a father.  I challenge you to do a trip down memory lane, and discover the boy you were before you became a father. Find a moment to share that with your child on the lap of the father.  You'll probably never have this chance again to have so much time with your children, and to show them that you weren't always a father, but a wide eyed, goofy, dreamy child just like them. Eventually, we're all going to go back to work, get out in public, go to church, and do all the busy things we did before this pandemic.  Have you stopped to remember what it was like before you were a father?

THE LAP OF THE FATHER, TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN

CORONAVIRUS BLURP!  Believe it or not, this lesson was actually the second lesson I wrote many months ago.  It seems odd to be going back through it after all we’ve been through in this Wuhan Chinese Coronavirus pandemic. Whether you like it, or not, sheltering in place has changed our parenting dynamic.  We talked about it last week a little bit, but I'd wager your little ones have seen more of you than ever before in their short lifetimes.  Those of you, whose children are grown up, I guarantee you, you wish you could be with them right now.  Although I'm not sure if the feeling would be reciprocal.

As you can tell from the title of this week’s study, the emphasis is upon talking with your children.  This is a hard thing to do if you are busy making a living, chasing hobbies, serving the church, or just trying to relax after a hard day’s work.  The truth is, you can’t ‘relax’ while parenting, and if you’re not careful you could end up talking TO your children instead of WITH them.  If you have even one child, you are outnumbered because their energy level is exponentially greater than yours.  That is why I believe it takes two people to raise a child. That is not a criticism of single parent homes, but even single parents would have to admit that it is much easier when there are two parents.  With single parent homes, there is no time off, period.  At least with two parents you can throw the children at the other spouse and say; “Here they’re yours, I’m getting away from them for a while.”  

For us guys, that is usually a major threat to our manliness. "Wait, talk to my Child!!!"  It can get even more intense if you’d planned to do something, and suddenly the children are a part of your plans.  Talking with children younger than 10 or 11 years old can tax every listening skill you ever learned.  Is it me, or do YOUNG children seem to talk at 78 rpm all the time?  (That’s phonograph record lingo for you digital age people.)

When I give pre-marital counselling to couples, I always tell them the three "C's" of a good marriage.  One of those is Communication.  Communication is more than talking. Doing things with your child is important, and finding their interests should be your major goal, as that is the place you can find out how they think. Playing is a major tool for learning.   You can teach a child most of what they need to know within the confines of their interests.  To a large degree, you can control their interests by making it a place of interaction with them.  Talking with your child is crucial.  As they are growing, they are seeing life unfold around them in ways they often don’t understand, especially in the middle of this virus pandemic.  We may think they are too young to grasp the deeper issues of life, when in fact, if you don’t explain the deeper things in life, they will fill in what they don’t understand with immature thinking until you tell them otherwise. (More about that in later lessons).  

My best advice for all of you who are fathers of young children, is to start talking to them early.  This lesson is primarily for those of you who have infant children, or toddlers. Although, Grandpas can make the lap an even more special place. Dad's you need to create what I call the ‘lap of the father.’  This should be a place they can run to when they want answers, when they are afraid, or when they are unsure of what to do. It should be a place of relationship, and a place of safety.  Your lap should rarely be a place of punishment, but more a place of instruction, safety, and warmth. I don’t know where ‘taking a child over your knee’ comes from, but I can tell you that it will destroy the lap of the father.  My father never spared the belt or willow whip, but I was never put over his knee.  I can’t stress enough how important the lap of the father as a place of safety should be.  Your knees are the gateway to your lap, and that place should never be a place of dread. It is never too late to create the lap of the father, but it will take more work the older they are. After you have punished them, draw them into your lap and explain to them what they just went through.  Our heavenly Father does this all the time.

  

When children are infants is the best time for you to create the lap of relationship.  We now know that a child can hear in the womb.  For the latter part of the pregnancy the mother has provided the sounds and voice to the world they are in.  For nine months the child is carried in the lap of the mother.  At birth, the world explodes upon them in a cacophony of sound and light.  Welcome to planet earth!!!!  Now you can give them input.  Talk to them about what you hope they become, what your hopes are for their life, and how much you love them.  Prophecy over them!!! As you speak your heart to them, speak it in your conversational voice, not the cutesy voice we use to make them giggle, and laugh.  Let your heart go into places you only dreamed of.  I promise you, this will be there for them to see and hear later.  I have a vivid memory from when I was still in diapers, and even more vivid memories from when I was five. Don’t stop talking to your children.  Never stop telling them how much you love them.  Draw them into your lap as the place of tenderness. Even when they are bawling their eyes out for something you can’t seem to fulfill, give them the reassurance of your love.  They should never be made to feel afraid when they are in your lap.  If they are sick, injured, or wounded in spirit, your lap should be their refuge.  This will prepare them for the lap of their heavenly father. Thankfully I received this teaching from a wonderful man of God before I even began my family, and it is one of the few things I feel I did right. 

My daughter Amanda was a colicky baby, (she didn’t handle milk well) and she was often very uncomfortable, cranky, and cried a lot.  Holding her seemed to help her, but more than anything, singing to her seemed to work most of all.  I sang to her all the time.  I would get my guitar out, and play lullabies for her.  She would soon calm down enough for me to tell her it would be alright.  To this day, Amanda is moved by a soft voice and lyrical tones.  My example isn’t for every child, but the safety of your lap is.  Finding out what soothes them, and calms their fears is the first step in giving them a lap of safety.

What happened with my daughter is how I know infants are imprinted by what we say.  It starts early, but it is never too late to create a safe place for them.  Something that will get me riled up, is when I see a father pat his lap and let the family pet sit there, but push away the child. To say the least, the most tender memories of my children, and grandchildren is when I held them in my lap or when they were sleeping upon my chest. I can tell you from experience that someday they will wiggle, and squirm their way out of your lap, but it will always be a place of comfort when they are frightened or need you. I can't express the feeling of awe I felt when my children were infants and I would cradle them in my arms and listen to their breathing.  That is a powerful connection that even now brings tears to my eyes.  

Use the infant years to imprint your greatest hopes for them.  Who can proclaim evil upon a little infant?  You have the power to bring life and godliness into their life while they are just forming their perception of the world.  Read the bible to them while they are in your lap.  Read one or two chapters a day to them.  You may never see a light come on in their little eyes, but believe me it goes in.  

Another way to talk to them is through song.  When my children were infants we listened to Christian bands and artists.  To this day, my children have a love for the artists I exposed them to, even though that music is no longer played.  They don’t know how much of that music they were exposed to.  IT WAS A LOT!  Combine that with what I wrote for my kids and it was a lot of Christian music.  

IF you don’t know what to say, say anything you feel.  I refuse to believe that when a man holds their infant child for the first time that they aren’t completely awestruck with the life they hold in their hands. Let them know how awestruck your are by telling them.   Speak your hopes and dreams upon them.

Pray with them.  I wish I’d done more of that as a young father.  I can make excuses for why I didn’t, but they would just be excuses.  I didn’t pray with my children.  Wish I had, but we’ll expand upon this in a later study. 

Talk with your children so that you can draw them out instead of guessing.  Let them tell you what they are thinking.  If what they are thinking scares you, don’t show it.  Ask them why they feel the way they do.  You may find out they’ve watched a TV show or movie that affected their thinking.  You may also find out that they have a friend, or peer who is teaching them things that are in direct opposition to what you are teaching them.  You may find out that they have questions that are born out of a naturally inquisitive mind.  My mother discovered I was naturally curious about how things work when I was less than five years old, and she bought a set of encyclopedias to feed my natural curiosity.  They were published in 1959 and I devoured them.  She said she would find me in the closet with a flashlight reading them long past my bedtime. 

Talking with your children is the only way you will know them.   Put away the hobbies, the TV, the smartphone, the game console, and talk with them.  When they begin to pick up the things you’ve put away, use that as an opportunity to talk with them.  Establish that connection now, and you will have it forever...well at least until that age when they want to do things they know you won’t agree with.  That too is a lesson for another day. I have to admit that I don’t know how to help you (or me for that matter) if your children are beyond the formative years to develop the lap of the father.  I do know, you can talk with them and let them know you are sorry you didn’t.  Apologies can’t replace the time, but they can redeem the time you have left. Talking takes time, and is the best investment you can make.  Don't let the TV, games, or friends dictate your child's interest. 

TIME

First of all let me state clearly that today's lesson is not about judging anyone. At the same time whether we realize it, or not, many of you have been given a gift.  You've been given an excuse to shelter in place with your family.  Someday in the future, we’ll look back at this time of upheaval, and make an accounting of whether we did it well or not. It’s easy to look at our lives from the confines of our tiny homes, and forget that others just like us are going through the same thing. We won’t know for a long time what we did to our children until they become adults.  The Wuhan Chinese Coronavirus has forever changed the course of the world in ways we would have never envisioned less than a month ago.  How this relates to us, and this study into fatherhood depends upon what you have done during this time of self imposed isolation.  Like our parents before us, and their parents before them, this is our watershed moment.  

Much of what I was going to share with you in this lesson has been altered by the pandemic. Whether you’ve been isolated, working, or simply practicing social distancing, your children have been unwilling participants in this process. That is true of life whether there is a pandemic or not.  Your children didn’t ask to be brought into YOUR world. Truth be told, we all make the best of whatever our family situation is.  The problem is when you are thrown into a situation like we’re experiencing today, what you do and say will have a big effect on your children.  How are you handling this?  Are you angry, frustrated, scared, and worried?  Are you calm, confident, even tempered, and patient?  Be ready to share your honest appraisal Sunday morning.  For your information, a survey was done about a week ago that determined that 9 out of 10 children are happy to have their parents at home during this pandemic.  At the same time, another survey found that parents aren’t so happy.  Time for a little honesty on our parts.  I’ll start with myself, and since my children are all raised, I’ll have to reach back in time before the world changed.

I was not a good father under stress. Actually I don’t even judge myself to be a good father.  My children are wonderfully who they are because their mother was a stay at home mom till they were all in school. I was an angry, out of control young man, ruled by my hormones.  Don't get me wrong, I was never violent, but my anger was a seething fire that often fell upon my children's lives in non-violent ways. Nearly 20 years after my last child left home I’ve come to grips with my failures, and with my successes.  Still, I wish I’d have done the fatherhood thing better.  That is one of the motivations for this study, to empower you to do it better while you can make a difference. You have a tool I didn't have.

Growing up, I didn’t have the benefit of a men’s group that allowed teenage boys into its midst. I wasn’t mentored, or given the same level of involvement from other godly men as you’ve been.  While it would be easy to blame my failures as a father on external factors, the failures were all internal.  Like I’ve told you before, I was not invested in the role of father.  That isn’t easy for me to say, especially in this very public forum. Much of what you’re going to read over the next few weeks is what I learned from my failures, not my successes. 

Right now, during this pandemic, the world is resetting itself.  I don’t know what it is going to look like on the other side, but I can tell you that now is the time for a serious, and truthful discussion of time and fatherhood.  You may not want to hear what I have to say next, but it is the unvarnished truth.  As a new father, my attention was focused more on my wife, succeeding at my job, being a youth pastor, keeping our cars running, and a myriad of other things that made my attempts at fatherhood less than successful.  I would be willing to guess that many of you were the same way.  Simply put, I didn’t give enough time to my children. 

Throughout the upcoming couple of lessons you will hear the mantra of time.  Every aspect of being a good father is based upon making time to be a good father.  In retrospect, it was the one thing I can say I didn’t give enough of.  I’ve apologized to my children, but that doesn’t make up for what they didn’t get. Of all the things we can replace in this life, time is the one thing you can’t reclaim.  You can redeem what time you have left, but there is no way to GO BACK.  Their innocence, wonder, and joyful essence happens only once.  Dear God in heaven I hope you don’t squander it.  More than anything, I hope you are documenting this time together with pictures, videos, and even letters.  That is why I enjoy watching all of you raise your children, and why I enjoy your children.  

  

Don’t get me wrong, I was thankful for my children, but I wasn’t as focused on them as I should have been.  I always thought just being a good person would make me a good father.  Not true!  Earning money, being a husband, and fulfilling our duties as a Christian can press deeply into our efforts to be a father.  Fit in a few hobbies, or distractions, and the amount of time you have with your child is deeply limited.  Put the mother of your child into that mix, and someone is going to feel slighted.  I’m going to press all of you full grown men to look back into your childhood, and remember that one thing you wanted from your father more than anything was his time, and attention.  I wasn’t the best son, nor am I the best husband or father in the world. What I’ve learned over the years is that being a good parent involves planning, purpose, and patience, but most of all simply 'time'. 

I’ve told you before about the arrangement  Glenda, and I made was that she would stay at home and raise the children till they were in school, and I would focus on them as teenagers.  It worked, but as I look back, it was a stupid plan.  Don’t get me wrong, I was there when they were babies, and toddlers, but I was more of the discipline guy.  Glenda was the ‘fun’ one who took them places, and did things with them. If you could see our photo albums, I was the one taking the pictures. I was on the outside looking in.  In other words, I was the missing father.  In my own estimation, as I evaluate my parenting skills against what I told myself I would do, it was one big fail. I failed them in the early years, and I failed them in their teenage years.  Like I’ve said in a previous lesson, I had to  ‘Embrace the fail.’   I didn’t fail against other fathers, I failed to accomplish what I told myself I would never do, or what I wanted to do.

Trust me, you will fail as a parent, but there are things you can do that will prepare them for their failures in their future, and that is the purpose of all parenting. Almost all of my failures as a parent were the result of a lack of time given to the task of parenting. Thankfully, if we have to be absentee fathers, our partners can help us make up for the lack of time, or at least help the child to understand why their father is absent.  There was a time when I was working two jobs just to be able to afford our home, so that Glenda didn’t have to work while the children were little.  It was super important to me that she stay at home for them. Then when I went into the Air Force, the demands on my time became even worse.  Twelve hour shifts six and seven days a week, left very little time for my family.  While the ‘job security’ was awesome, the ability to be a father was less than optimal.  The one time that I complained about it, I was told that if the Air Force had wanted me to have a family they would have issued me one.  When I explained that I’d come into the Air Force with a family, the same individual questioned my intelligence.  Later, I would understand the idea that an employer has a need to make money, and do his job without the pressure of whining employees.  Something other than the Air Force would have to change in order to give more time to my kids.  I never made that choice.

So, I’m going to ask you; What are you doing different during this pandemic?  How much time are you spending with your children?  Do you find yourself looking for ways to play with them, or are you simply enduring them until we get the all clear to go back to work?  There are a ton of articles about how parents are coping right now with children being at home all day.  My simple question for more discussion is; Do you kind of wish things could go on like they are, are are you ready to escape back to work?

  

I don't know how my Dad would have handled this pandemic when I was a kid. I can look back at my own childhood with a different set of eyes now.  What I believed about my father’s lack of attention wasn’t true.  I know now that he was doing his best to provide the best he could.  His generation had endured a terrifying world war, Korea, Vietnam, and the threat of nuclear war.  The values of his generation were different than mine.  As our culture is changing at breakneck speed, his generation ‘appears’ to be archaic to the point of being ignorant.  This is the nature of fatherhood through time.  Each generation should leave the next with more wisdom and knowledge than they had.  Which, in large part, is why this study is important.  It is time for Christian families to focus on the next generation.   My confession, my failure, was failing to give my children the one thing I longed for; TIME!   Take advantage of this ‘time’ of forced isolation, and discover your children.

GETTING TOGETHER - WELL, KIND OF

Happy Friday to all of my awesome brothers in the Lord.  I'm down for the day due to having blown out my knees over this last month of putting floors down in the old rent house I was renovating.  After I finished that, I joined Pastor Eric, and young master Eric Deweeze, moving the projector and lowering the video screen.  Believe me, it was not as easy as it sounded.  I hadn't been under the sanctuary in a long time, but I rediscovered it anew. To add insult to injury, there isn't a place in the attic that I haven't been now.  Needless to say, my knees and legs are shot.  That's not a whine, it's just a fact.  Took a some Naprosyn for the first time in a long time. Hopefully it will be the only tablet I take for a long time to come.  The rain is nice, which gives me a reason to plop down, and as long as I don't have to stand up, I'm okay.
I'd like to take an opportunity to share some thoughts far removed from our study into fatherhood, and then share with you an idea for getting together, virtually.
First of all let me tell you that I miss all of you very much.  As you know from last week's blog, I miss your children, too.  After I wrote that blog I began to notice more teenagers congregating outside.  That worries me because some of the horror stories I've read about young people who've had the coronavirus, and how bad it is.  It seems to affect young people differently than older people.  I also don't think it's particularly heroic, or spiritual when I read, or hear of Pastors having regular church services.  As we've already seen just in our own State, the virus doesn't care whether you are spiritual or not. If you think I'm being sacrilegious  then read Philippians 2:27.  Our governmental leaders are asking us to avoid services in order to protect life, and I believe that this is exactly what we should do.
My next concern is everyone's personal well being, and ensuring that none of us slip through the cracks during this time of isolation.  I don't know of any other way to do this other than to do an old fashioned 'roll call' every other day to ensure we're all okay and having our financial, and spiritual needs met.  So, beginning next week, I'll use our Men's group text to put out a check.  For those of you who don't ever reply or enter into the text messaging, a simple thumbs up would go a long way to letting all of us know if all is well.
In this same vein, we have many in our congregation who are elderly, or alone.  Let's make sure to check up on each other.  If someone needs financial or food help let's make it happen.
This virus has hit home in our own community in ways that are hard to explain, but in each case, the person who came down with the virus picked it up out of State.  The spread of the virus is following traditional epidemiological outbreak patterns.  There used to be a video game on XBOX that was designed to simulate a pandemic.  This pandemic is following that pattern to the letter.  Probably the one thing that we should be thinking is not to make a trip to any other State unless it is absolutely necessary.  Without knowing who our three 'cases' are, and how long they had it before becoming symptomatic, there is no telling who might be infected.  That is why I encourage all of you to follow the CDC guidelines.

I'm saying all of this because I don't have any idea how much longer we're going to need to self isolate.  If ever there was a time to pray, now is that time.  Pray for a vaccine, a treatment, and most especially, our nation's leaders.  I can tell you that our own Senator Tom Cotton was trying to warn people about this way back around January 20th.  But, of course, our illustrious congress was too busy trying to impeach President Trump to listen.  The media didn't become concerned until less than a month ago.  I don't blame our government, I blame the Chinese Government for lying to everyone.
Protect your children, and protect one another, keep tabs on your parents.  I don't know how much longer we're going to have to self isolate, so that is why I'm going to ask you to weigh in on an idea I have.

This is my crazy idea for how to resume contact with one another.  There is a video conferencing app called Zoom that appears to be easier to use than even Skype.  I've researched it, and watched videos about it, but I don't know if all of you would be interested in it or not.  Sooooooo, I'm going to ask you to do a search about it, just type in 'Zoom Conferencing' in your search bar.  If you like what you read let me know via the Men's text group  and we'll work from there. If even one of you don't have the means to video conference, then we won't do it.  I don't want to leave anyone out due to hardware or network issues.  IT is extremely data heavy because it is in full HD.  If you are on DSL or even cable broadband, you may experience buffering.  That would be unacceptable.  If we can't get everyone on board, then I'll pump out the blog for that weeks lesson, and you can use the comment block to give your two cents.  I would like feedback from all of you who are in our Men's group by Sunday so I can plan accordingly.  Just text me and let me know what you think.
There are some of you I haven't seen in over two weeks, and I would love to hear from you just to know you're okay.  Look for a new lesson sheet sometime next week.
Love you all, and please be safe.  I Want to see all of you alive and well the next time we can get together.