CORONAVIRUS BLURP! Believe it or not, this lesson was actually the second lesson I wrote many months ago. It seems odd to be going back through it after all we’ve been through in this Wuhan Chinese Coronavirus pandemic. Whether you like it, or not, sheltering in place has changed our parenting dynamic. We talked about it last week a little bit, but I'd wager your little ones have seen more of you than ever before in their short lifetimes. Those of you, whose children are grown up, I guarantee you, you wish you could be with them right now. Although I'm not sure if the feeling would be reciprocal.
As you can tell from the title of this week’s study, the emphasis is upon talking with your children. This is a hard thing to do if you are busy making a living, chasing hobbies, serving the church, or just trying to relax after a hard day’s work. The truth is, you can’t ‘relax’ while parenting, and if you’re not careful you could end up talking TO your children instead of WITH them. If you have even one child, you are outnumbered because their energy level is exponentially greater than yours. That is why I believe it takes two people to raise a child. That is not a criticism of single parent homes, but even single parents would have to admit that it is much easier when there are two parents. With single parent homes, there is no time off, period. At least with two parents you can throw the children at the other spouse and say; “Here they’re yours, I’m getting away from them for a while.”
For us guys, that is usually a major threat to our manliness. "Wait, talk to my Child!!!" It can get even more intense if you’d planned to do something, and suddenly the children are a part of your plans. Talking with children younger than 10 or 11 years old can tax every listening skill you ever learned. Is it me, or do YOUNG children seem to talk at 78 rpm all the time? (That’s phonograph record lingo for you digital age people.)
When I give pre-marital counselling to couples, I always tell them the three "C's" of a good marriage. One of those is Communication. Communication is more than talking. Doing things with your child is important, and finding their interests should be your major goal, as that is the place you can find out how they think. Playing is a major tool for learning. You can teach a child most of what they need to know within the confines of their interests. To a large degree, you can control their interests by making it a place of interaction with them. Talking with your child is crucial. As they are growing, they are seeing life unfold around them in ways they often don’t understand, especially in the middle of this virus pandemic. We may think they are too young to grasp the deeper issues of life, when in fact, if you don’t explain the deeper things in life, they will fill in what they don’t understand with immature thinking until you tell them otherwise. (More about that in later lessons).
My best advice for all of you who are fathers of young children, is to start talking to them early. This lesson is primarily for those of you who have infant children, or toddlers. Although, Grandpas can make the lap an even more special place. Dad's you need to create what I call the ‘lap of the father.’ This should be a place they can run to when they want answers, when they are afraid, or when they are unsure of what to do. It should be a place of relationship, and a place of safety. Your lap should rarely be a place of punishment, but more a place of instruction, safety, and warmth. I don’t know where ‘taking a child over your knee’ comes from, but I can tell you that it will destroy the lap of the father. My father never spared the belt or willow whip, but I was never put over his knee. I can’t stress enough how important the lap of the father as a place of safety should be. Your knees are the gateway to your lap, and that place should never be a place of dread. It is never too late to create the lap of the father, but it will take more work the older they are. After you have punished them, draw them into your lap and explain to them what they just went through. Our heavenly Father does this all the time.
When children are infants is the best time for you to create the lap of relationship. We now know that a child can hear in the womb. For the latter part of the pregnancy the mother has provided the sounds and voice to the world they are in. For nine months the child is carried in the lap of the mother. At birth, the world explodes upon them in a cacophony of sound and light. Welcome to planet earth!!!! Now you can give them input. Talk to them about what you hope they become, what your hopes are for their life, and how much you love them. Prophecy over them!!! As you speak your heart to them, speak it in your conversational voice, not the cutesy voice we use to make them giggle, and laugh. Let your heart go into places you only dreamed of. I promise you, this will be there for them to see and hear later. I have a vivid memory from when I was still in diapers, and even more vivid memories from when I was five. Don’t stop talking to your children. Never stop telling them how much you love them. Draw them into your lap as the place of tenderness. Even when they are bawling their eyes out for something you can’t seem to fulfill, give them the reassurance of your love. They should never be made to feel afraid when they are in your lap. If they are sick, injured, or wounded in spirit, your lap should be their refuge. This will prepare them for the lap of their heavenly father. Thankfully I received this teaching from a wonderful man of God before I even began my family, and it is one of the few things I feel I did right.
My daughter Amanda was a colicky baby, (she didn’t handle milk well) and she was often very uncomfortable, cranky, and cried a lot. Holding her seemed to help her, but more than anything, singing to her seemed to work most of all. I sang to her all the time. I would get my guitar out, and play lullabies for her. She would soon calm down enough for me to tell her it would be alright. To this day, Amanda is moved by a soft voice and lyrical tones. My example isn’t for every child, but the safety of your lap is. Finding out what soothes them, and calms their fears is the first step in giving them a lap of safety.
What happened with my daughter is how I know infants are imprinted by what we say. It starts early, but it is never too late to create a safe place for them. Something that will get me riled up, is when I see a father pat his lap and let the family pet sit there, but push away the child. To say the least, the most tender memories of my children, and grandchildren is when I held them in my lap or when they were sleeping upon my chest. I can tell you from experience that someday they will wiggle, and squirm their way out of your lap, but it will always be a place of comfort when they are frightened or need you. I can't express the feeling of awe I felt when my children were infants and I would cradle them in my arms and listen to their breathing. That is a powerful connection that even now brings tears to my eyes.
Use the infant years to imprint your greatest hopes for them. Who can proclaim evil upon a little infant? You have the power to bring life and godliness into their life while they are just forming their perception of the world. Read the bible to them while they are in your lap. Read one or two chapters a day to them. You may never see a light come on in their little eyes, but believe me it goes in.
Another way to talk to them is through song. When my children were infants we listened to Christian bands and artists. To this day, my children have a love for the artists I exposed them to, even though that music is no longer played. They don’t know how much of that music they were exposed to. IT WAS A LOT! Combine that with what I wrote for my kids and it was a lot of Christian music.
IF you don’t know what to say, say anything you feel. I refuse to believe that when a man holds their infant child for the first time that they aren’t completely awestruck with the life they hold in their hands. Let them know how awestruck your are by telling them. Speak your hopes and dreams upon them.
Pray with them. I wish I’d done more of that as a young father. I can make excuses for why I didn’t, but they would just be excuses. I didn’t pray with my children. Wish I had, but we’ll expand upon this in a later study.
Talk with your children so that you can draw them out instead of guessing. Let them tell you what they are thinking. If what they are thinking scares you, don’t show it. Ask them why they feel the way they do. You may find out they’ve watched a TV show or movie that affected their thinking. You may also find out that they have a friend, or peer who is teaching them things that are in direct opposition to what you are teaching them. You may find out that they have questions that are born out of a naturally inquisitive mind. My mother discovered I was naturally curious about how things work when I was less than five years old, and she bought a set of encyclopedias to feed my natural curiosity. They were published in 1959 and I devoured them. She said she would find me in the closet with a flashlight reading them long past my bedtime.
Talking with your children is the only way you will know them. Put away the hobbies, the TV, the smartphone, the game console, and talk with them. When they begin to pick up the things you’ve put away, use that as an opportunity to talk with them. Establish that connection now, and you will have it forever...well at least until that age when they want to do things they know you won’t agree with. That too is a lesson for another day. I have to admit that I don’t know how to help you (or me for that matter) if your children are beyond the formative years to develop the lap of the father. I do know, you can talk with them and let them know you are sorry you didn’t. Apologies can’t replace the time, but they can redeem the time you have left. Talking takes time, and is the best investment you can make. Don't let the TV, games, or friends dictate your child's interest.
Thank you Pastor Dave. That was a good read. I've heard you go over this before. It's great to have it here to use as an asset for me to easily pass along to others.
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