EMBRACE THE FAIL

     I’ve had to write and rewrite this lesson at least four times.  Even now as I’m getting ready to post it, I find myself looking for clarity. I’ve thought about just deleting it, but I can’t.  After the last lesson, it feels as if I’m backtracking.  As all of you know, we’ve spent the last twelve years studying manhood from every direction, through many different books, while attempting to live those principles through our actions. If I were to ask you if you’ve been successful at putting all of those principles into action, most of you would say; No.  If I asked you whether you’d tried, I would get a resounding yes.  Isn’t grace the power to succeed?  Yet, most of us hate to admit we fail.  Admitting failure seems to somehow diminish our Christianity, or the work of His Spirit within us.  This is the furthest thing from the truth, and our inability to admit we fail, is why the world calls us hypocrites. If we don’t give our children the room to fail, they will become liars and thieves.  If we deny others the ability to fail, we become unreliable measuring sticks for salvation.  If you don’t embrace your failures, how can you expect your children to get back up and overcome theirs?  Embracing your failures goes to the kingly trait of being aware of yourself, and how your actions affect others, especially your family.  If there is one constant in the Bible it is the need for honest self evaluation, and living a transparent lifestyle.  Finding grace to be the best father you can be is what we are going to focus on.  From here on out you’re going to hear me refer to it as ‘deliberate fatherhood.’ Pursuing fatherhood as a noble endeavor  is still an endeavor none the same, but it is the pursuit that defines our faith..   

Many of you who were teenagers when we began this men’s group, are now fathers with children of your own. In no time at all, your children will be teenagers, and you will confront your greatest fears. Hopefully what your fathers share with you during this study will make a huge difference.   As a father of two girls, and a son, I learned a lot about fatherhood from practical experience, however, what I knew going in could probably be distilled down into a few short paragraphs. Now, after three children, five grandchildren, and watching my peers raise their children, my best advice can be summed up into three words; Follow the Bible.  Beyond that,  ask your fathers what they did,  and follow Holy Spirit.  

You can’t go wrong following the Bible. I wish I’d known the bible better as a young father.  Sadly, much of what I will share with you from personal experience was learned from my mistakes, not my successes.  I can try to blame it on my parents, their parents, or the system, but the truth is, I only studied the bible for dogma when I was young. I made it a source for sermons, not a pattern for life.  I want you, and your children to do better than me.  Best advice I can give; Follow the Bible.

The reason I say follow the bible is because I believe that if YOU follow the bible, if you live out its precepts, you will be the best father without even trying to be a father.  The Bible, both Old and New Testament, offers sparse direct instruction on how to be a parent.  Instead, of clear concise rules about hygiene, playtime, education, time allocation, and other everyday matters of parenting, we were left with hundreds of ‘stories’ about what others did. One of the reassuring aspects of the bible is that it makes no attempt to hide imperfect families. We’ve been given examples of every kind of home environment that men, and women can create.  We see functional families as well as dysfunctional families within its pages.  We’re shown what abandonment looks like, and what adoption looks like.  We’re provided example upon example of what devoted parenting looks like, and what lazy parenting looks like. Even polygamy is depicted for us to see its dangers. Every aspect of family life is revealed to us not as hard rules, but as illustration and example. Throughout the Bible we’re given example after example of how a child raised in a godly home can end up abandoning the God of their childhood, or the God of their parents. When that happens, it is easy to blame oneself, and wonder what you did wrong.  At the end of the day, no matter how good of a father you are, the little human being you brought into this world has a will of their own, and must choose to follow God on their own. Sometimes a child will rebel.  You will have to learn to embrace the fail, even as our Heavenly Father did.  Yes, even God had to endure the sorrow of a wayward child. The first child, Adam, didn’t fare well, even though the creator of the Universe personally raised him.  Keep that in mind as failure looms large in your heart.  When you are looking into the eyes of an angry child, you are experiencing what God experienced. God wasn’t love until He had children. 

You’ll discover like those of us whose children are grown and on their own, that love is born of suffering.  If you haven’t already come to this knowledge, you will.  As a loving father, you will grow to love your child more, but it will grow through the vale of suffering.  Loving your child means swallowing your pride, putting away your preconceived notions, and knowing that this wonderful life you helped to create, will hurt you.  They will press all of your buttons, teach you fear, carve out your heart, and hand it to you on a platter.  They will make tears roll down your cheeks like a river, and cause your hair to turn grey.  If your children cause you to weep, then you have stepped into true love.  Embrace the LOVE.  So, When I tell you to ‘embrace the fail’, I’m actually telling you to embrace the love.  If your love comes without suffering or sorrow, then it isn’t really love. If your family isn’t worth fighting for, putting up with, or swallowing your pride over, then you don’t love them. 

Our job as fathers, is to raise children the best we know how with what we know, and to love them through everything no matter how much pain it brings. If you truly love your child you will guide them into wisdom even when it hurts you.  There’ll be days you succeed like a big dog, and others where you’ll tuck your tail and whimper away brokenhearted.  Children aren’t like a mathematical equation where you can plug in numbers and crank out a perfect human being.  The Bible doesn’t have instructions for what works with every child. There isn’t a formula, because each child is a unique ingredient.  Only when Moses gave the laws to the Hebrews were we given rules concerning parenting. Actually I think all the laws concerning parenting boiled down to one rule; Don’t kill your kid.  (We’ll deal with that later.) Even these rules weren’t specific.  WHY? Because God knows each and every child is a unique person from their parents, and separate from their siblings.  God cherishes uniqueness.  As a creator, He celebrates the variations in each human being.  While medical science may be able to lump us in groups according to DNA patterns, and mental health officials may be able to qualify us according to personality types, the truth is; humans are individual, and unique. Even your best behaved child will break your heart. Looking back on my own life I am proud of my children, and happy with where they are at in their lives.  Still, all three of them broke and crushed me at one point of their raising.  Hopefully they saw the father in me in the midst of my broken heart.  Only they can know whether I helped them to see the heavenly Father.  I loved them the day they were born, but I didn’t always deal wisely or teach them how to live wisely. 

This is why I’m glad you 'older men' are here to help me teach this study.  We need to love our children, but love must be applied with wisdom. Once your child leaves home, the ‘constructive’ part of fatherhood is over, it then becomes a job of helping them maintain the wisdom you’ve shown them.  Some of you have already shown me that you are much wiser fathers than I was at your age.  That is why this study is so important!  Every young father, and prospective young father needs your wisdom and advice.  PLEASE feel free to share it while we are gathered together. A matter of fact, even as we study together, we all become more informed and infused with wisdom.  THE PROBLEM IS;  Child rearing is the one thing you can’t get a mulligan for.  I can’t take what I learn today and ask my children to come home and learn again.  Wisdom gained today can’t make up for a lack of wisdom while they were young. You younger guys are blessed to have the fathers you have, and hopefully by the time this study is over, you will be the next level of fathers your children need to produce the next generation of fathers that will change the world. 

THE FILTER IS CHRIST

As part of last Sunday's discussion it was rewarding to know that all of us are in agreement about my assertion that you don't have to be a Christian to be a good father.  In many other churches that I've been in over my lifetime, the discussion would have devolved into spiritual elitism.  This would have negated the truth that Jesus put forward.  Which begs the question of how do we frame the need for Jesus as savior to anyone who is 'good'?  We've already studied the story of the rich young ruler who asked Jesus "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"  We discovered that the answer Jesus gave wasn't what we teach today.  It begs a further question of how does anyone inherit eternal life?  As I already shared with you, the only difference between me, and an unbelieving father is eternity.  If qualification for eternity were based upon my goodness, I would never qualify.  You see, unlike the rich young ruler, I haven't kept the commandments since my youth, and my 'works' ledger would be seriously in the red.  As a young man, I lied constantly, I stole, I coveted, and there were times I could have killed if I'd had the means.  I was an angry, tormented child, who had delusions of grandeur. Yep, I was messed up.  BUT; to those on the outside looking in, I was a 'good' child.  I don't know how many times I heard someone tell my parents how well behaved my brother and I were.  I didn't use profanity, I wasn't a bully by any means, and I tried my best to please my Mom and Dad. On the other hand, as I began to grow into young adulthood I wrestled with sexual issues, ego issues, and the desire to live life my way.  Still as a young adult, if you looked from the outside, I was admired for my chastity, and my honesty, (after getting a whipping for something I did not do, I decided I would tell the truth even if it hurt me.)  By this time, I'd developed a sterling reputation, with people applauding my work ethic, my perseverance in the face of adversity, and my devotion to God.  Yay!!! I would be commended by my peers as a virtuous man, a Christian man.  Yep, all of that made me qualified for eternal life.   Ehhhhhhhhhnnnnnttttt!   NOPE!  Like Paul said, this stuff is garbage (not the word he used.) 
How do I inherit eternal life?  If it isn't about the Ten Commandments, and professing a faith in Jesus Christ, then what is it?  If my life as a 'christian' isn't enough, then what makes eternal life available to me?  If that's the case, then why am I writing these lessons, and why are you meeting with me to talk about being Christian fathers?  It was while I was thinking about this question that I came upon an answer for myself.  I can't speak to the answer for you, because you may already be there.  If I give you my answer, and you apply it to your relationship with Christ, then I may have messed you up.  So, let me give you an example that came to me this week as I was talking with a customer. 
When Glenda and I first moved to Harrison, we lived about four miles outside of the city limit.  The first thing we had to do before we could build a house was put down a water well.  Having grown up in the city, I didn't know the first thing about wells.  All I know was that I didn't understand how water pulled up from a hole in the ground could possibly be 'safe'.  Didn't I need to filter it?  What about 'germs' and other contaminants? 
The man who sunk the well told us that it would take about a month or two for the water to 'settle' down.  He explained how the casing and other factors that we'd introduced into the water would affect the taste.  He did a quick test for Ph, and minerals, at which point he declared our water safe. 
As time went by, the water lost it's sulfur smell, and became very sweet to the taste.  My Mom and Dad built their house next door and by the time they'd moved in, they were very surprised by the quality of the water.  They'd grown up in Oklahoma where much of the water table there contained high sulfur content, and also was saltier.  When people came to visit they were pleasantly surprised by how good the water was.  I've only known one person who couldn't drink the water, and I'm sure that's because of the calcium content.  About ten years ago, Mom, Dad, Glenda, and I all went through a bad time of intestinal issues.  Dad and I took samples from our well to be tested because we weren't sure if it was something in the well water.  It was what the man who tested our water said that is the crux of what I believe inheriting eternity is all about.  As we questioned him about the results we were given a gem of truth that helped me to finally begin to live in the freedom of Christ Jesus. 
He tried to explain that our water was pure, and even better than the water you would get in the city.  There weren't any 'biological' contaminants in the water to explain our spate of stomach ailments.  "Water is water," he told us. "People mess it up."  "It isn't 100% pure, but then nothing is."  As we were told when the well was first opened up, we had a slightly higher calcium content than would be in municipal water, and far less 'treatment' chemicals.  If you took a clear glass of water from our tap and put it next to our municipal water, the city water would have far more 'content' than ours.   (I miss our well water after moving into the city.)  After moving to the city, I put a water filter in our house, something I'd never had to do when we were on the well.  Our water here in the city contains more iron and other minerals than our well water.  GOOD IS GOOD, but people mess it up!   We quantify goodness to justify ourselves.  That is why Jesus said 'There is only one who is Good."  By becoming 'man' God had allowed himself to experience being 'LESS.'  We'll never understand this sacrifice, because we look at ourselves as being good.  We justify ourselves by our own filter instead of God's.
My good deeds, my efforts to be worthy of eternity contaminate the pure flowing water of God's Spirit in my life.  He alone is good, and 100% pure. To enter into eternity I have to go through the filter of His Son.  My best efforts are like the rich young ruler's.  Jesus didn't leave the young man hopeless, but gave him an answer that many men (fathers) are unwilling to do.  Give up everything you have, sell it, and follow Him, then you will have eternal life.  The "selling" is the valuing of your life here, the "giving it" to the poor is the realistic appraisal of your worth, and the following is your filter.   Like my old well water, it tasted good, but had lots of minerals in it.  Like the city water, it may be safe, but it's got lots of other stuff been added to make it safe.  ONLY Jesus is the living water by which we can drink and never thirst again.  He is 100% pure and He purifies me by my trusting in his life. 
Good deeds, and yes, even good men abound, but this isn't the basis for eternal life.  If goodness, and righteousness were comparable to the salvation offered by Jesus, then there would be no need for Jesus. It's a hard thing to say, but there are many 'good' people who will not go to heaven.  They look like they are pure, they taste like they are pure, but they have 'biologicals' that keep them from being pure.  If I told you that I'd poured you one glass of water from the tap, and another from the bowl of a toilet, which one would you drink?  It's all water!  If I poured them into identical glasses you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.  God can.  Just like you, He doesn't want heaven contaminated by our sin and the things we think are pure.  The filter is Christ. 
 

A DOSE OF TRUTH

Good non-christian fathers abound!! 
For many of us Christian men that is a difficult truth to swallow. It is part of our belief system to equate all non-believers as being ‘wicked.’  This is the furthest thing from the truth.  Even Jesus didn’t do that.  Actually, our greatest sorrow should be the knowledge that many of the BEST men we’ve ever met will not accept Jesus as their savior.  Loving, goodhearted, men who make great fathers, will at the same time be headed toward destruction.  I have many examples of wonderful fathers who feel no need for salvation for themselves, or their children.  They raise happy, balanced children who live out their lives in success, and with great virtue.  I want to defend them, and make it clear that the attack on fatherhood is not a religious issue, although to those of us who believe,  it sure seems that way. As Christian men, our greatest problem is that we have seen the next level of manhood. 
I will not answer for, nor enter into the burgeoning gender debate.  We are dealing with issues of eternal life, not whether you wake up one morning in love with the shape of your calves and thighs, or whether a woman wakes up one day and decides she’s a man.  I am speaking to a group of men who’ve put aside the greater issues of dominance, personality traits, and social positions to submit to one another in Christian love. (Ephesians 5:21)  Everyone of you will have to admit to the difficult truth that you’ve known some awesome unbelieving men who by all accounts are better fathers than you.  The Apostle Paul spoke to this when he was addressing the issue of the law, and faith in God. (Romans 2:14-15)  It is the law of God that makes us aware of our sins, and Paul said there were people who’d never heard the law who lived it without even knowing what they were doing. They were able to live God's internal laws, and even do righteousness. Even today there are kind goodhearted men who live without the knowledge of Christ.  I know this is hard to believe in this day and age where we have Christianity beamed into homes 24/7.  I'll say it again,  there are men who've never heard the gospel, and that failure falls on us.  At the same time, there are men who've heard the gospel who will never believe. Not everyone believed Jesus when He walked the earth, so failure to believe isn't just in the presentation. Still, whether a man believes or not doesn’t make them ‘bad’ men, or ‘bad’ fathers.  The thing that divides us is how we view eternity, and that is the BIG ‘thing.’
Many of you who’ve been a part of this men’s group for any length of time know that I don’t believe in the total depravity of man.  The basis for the belief in the total depravity of man is a scripture that is often taken out of context and given more heft than it deserves.  It is often tied to another scripture that is equally misused.  The first verse I’m referring to is: “There is no one good but God.” (Mark 10: 18) and the second verse is; “the heart is deceitful above all, who can know it” (Jeremiah 17: 9-10). 
The reason I chafe at these verses being used to describe ‘Total Depravity’ is the preponderance of verses that speak of men and women of God who were determined by God to be ‘blameless,’ ‘pure’, and yes even ‘holy’ in His sight.  Three of these ‘blameless’ and ‘upright’ people lived before the law, and there is a longer list who lived under the law.  I want to make this point because there is a tendency among Christians to demonize those who haven’t accepted Christ as their savior.  The idea that these men or women could be ‘good’ without Christ is a mystery to many Christians. Salvation is not about OUR righteousness.  The goodness or suitability for a person to be a ‘good’ parent isn’t bound up in our Christian faith.  I’ve personally known hundreds of ‘unsaved’ men who were better fathers than I was.  If Christianity alone were capable of making anyone a ‘great’ father, then I wouldn’t need to do this study.  We have a duty as Christian fathers to seek to be ‘better’ at fatherhood than those around us.  Many of the fathering techniques we are going to discuss can be used by any man to be a better father. 
So, what is the difference?  Why is this so important?  Why am I making a fuss about fatherhood? 
Eternity!
The goal of fatherhood is simple; produce offspring and prepare them to produce offspring.  This is the course of nature for all life on this planet, REPRODUCE. Hopefully if a man has a modicum of common sense, and was blessed with a good father, he will make an effort to repeat what he learned, and another ‘good’ child will be the result.  Yay!!!!! 
The reproductive process has gone on for ages, and should the Lord tarry will keep on going.  The focus of Christian fathers is different than non-believers.  A Christian father sees this life through the lens of eternity, and that my brothers is a very large lens.  The problem for Christian fathers is when they lose sight of the eternal, and focus on the carnal.  As Jesus said, you can't serve two masters. A Christian father has the added responsibility of not only preparing their child for this life, but for an eternal existence.  Eternity should be our primary focus, even as we live upon this present vale. If we are living out from heaven to earth, then we will be spiritual fathers who need not be ashamed. 
I know I’ve used this example before, but I think it has even more significance when you add the dynamic of fatherhood.  When we make our yearly trips to Nicaragua, the tickets are bought in advance. I've paid for the ticket, but I don’t even hold it in my hand until we get to the airport.  We pack our clothes, we pack the kids clothes, and we set up our itinerary long before we get there.  Even though we aren’t there, we are there in our preparations.  I know what it will be like, taste like, and what we’ll do, but I still have to go about my everyday life until I go. Our fellowship even sends money ahead to help build the ministries we support.  What’s the difference between me and someone who isn’t going?  I have a ticket!  I get joyful when I think about it.  Everything I do in preparation for the trip makes me a better person in my hometown, but prepares me for the trip.  I speak to the people who live there, and I make preparations to bless them while I’m there.  I lay aside cash, soccer balls, and gifts to give them.  Those of you who take your children with you, prepare your children for the trip.  Nicaragua is the focus of our lives until we leave.  This is what Christ kept trying to teach when He would tell the disciples to invest in heaven.  We are here on this earth for a breath, or as some translations say, a vapor, and then eternity.
The focus on eternity  is how Christian fatherhood is different than secular fatherhood.  At the same time, being a Christian father doesn’t automatically make you a better father.  Being a better father, makes you a better Christian father.  I didn’t learn this truth till after I’d already raised my own children. 
You might wonder why I’ve gone down this little rabbit trail, but it’s simple; there is a concerted push by feminists, some educators, media, and progressive political circles to demean, belittle, and even demonize manhood.  Sorry!!!! You don’t get to do that without pushback. None of us stood in a Que line for our preferred gender before conception.  Being male doesn’t make you superior.   Being a female doesn’t make you a better person.  Being gay, transgender, or whatever gender you think you are doesn’t give you permission to stereotype men. Women by virtue of gender do not possess a moral high ground.  When the quest for ‘equality’ is accomplished on the backs of those whose only ‘sin’ was being born male, you have become the oppressor even if you feel you haven’t arrived. 
Christians feed this fire of anti-male rhetoric whenever they embrace the hate speech of the left.  I want us to be better than that.  I want us to be able to acknowledge when someone is good, excellent, kind, loving, and living a life of goodness, whether they are believers or not.  We can’t deny the great examples of fatherhood that exist outside of our ‘christian’ existence.  Just like there are terrible christian fathers, there are wonderful unbelieving fathers.  I’ll say it one more time, the only difference between us and our secular counterparts is the focus.  We want to ensure our sons and daughters will choose to serve God throughout eternity starting here.  To do that, we must exemplify the best of fatherhood, and at the same time reveal eternity.