It's married people's shorthand. All of us do it in different ways for different things. Glenda and I developed our shorthand around the ritual of dining out. From the very first date, our favorite thing to do together was to go out to eat. I don't want anyone to get me wrong, Glenda can COOK! I would rather have a home cooked meal made by her than anything made at a restaurant. At the same time, I know that cooking is hard work. The last thing I want my bride to 'have' to do, is prepare a meal for me after a long day of work. Whether she realized this was the reason or not, if I had the money, I'd rather have her time. Going out to eat was never about the food, it was about being able to be with her without the pressure of cooking or cleaning up. When the children came along, that all changed. We lived 12 miles away from the nearest city, and it became increasingly harder to get away. With two little girls and a poor paying job, eating out was a luxury. At that time, Glenda wasn't employed, and she always had a meal ready when I came home from work. Then came the leanest year in our life. There were days I ate nothing, but homemade bread. I'm here to tell you, man can't live on bread alone. I ended up in the hospital with an attack of e-coli from malnourishment. A couple of years later, when I enlisted in the Air Force, we began to have the means to go out. It never occurred to us to leave the kids with anyone else. She would meet me every day and we'd have lunch at the little snack bar outside our shop. Our children became our way to make friends. After our son Anthony came along, we would have never gone anywhere without them. For one thing, they were fun to take out. A poor man's entertainment is his children. If you listen carefully, and watch closely, you can figure out what they'll be like when they grow up, by how they act when they're out to eat.
The Air Force was good to me, and I progressed in rank quickly enough to stay ahead of the poor house. Before long, we found ourselves in Las Vegas, Nevada enjoying a new lifestyle. This is where the marital shorthand began to develop. As soon as Anthony entered school, Glenda went to college. My assignment was at a remote location in the Nevada mountains and I was gone four days out of the week. When I would come home, the last thing I wanted, was for Glenda to have to cook. Thankfully, Las Vegas was inexpensive and exciting at the same time. We made it our goal to eat at every buffet in town at least once. Over the course of four years, we finally settled for the buffets at Sam's Town (with the kids,) Caesar's Palace (without the kids,) and occasionally the buffet at the Golden Nugget (with and without kids.) It was in Las Vegas that Glenda and I began our “date night” ritual. One night every week we had what we called our date night. We weren't parents for that night. The problem was, I liked eating at Caesar's Palace and she liked the Golden Nugget. So, began the shorthand.
“Where do you wanna go?” I'd ask, while really meaning: “I don't wanna go to Golden Nugget, but I'm being nice here, so don't let me down.”
“Where do you wanna go?” she'd reply, while thinking “I know you wanna go to Caesar's Palace, but I don't. I'm going to do the nice wife thing and submit to your desires.”
“You choose.” I'd say, while actually meaning. “Look go ahead and say it, I won't like it, but I'd do it for you. That's because I'm a good husband and I can still reserve the right to grouse about the food if we go to the Nugget.”
“No, I chose last week, where do you wanna go?”
DANG! She pulled the I got my way the last time trump card.
“Caesar's Palace?”
Yeah, why not? Wasn't it about going on a date and being together more than what we ate? It wasn't too long ago, that she was baking homemade bread for me to take for lunch. By that time in our life, eating out anywhere, WITHOUT THE KIDS, was a treat. At least, I thought she should feel that way about it. Then, we moved back to Little Rock Air Force Base. Say bye bye to the cost of living adjustment, the inexpensive buffets, and free entertainment. It was fun while it lasted. The only thing that we brought forward with us, was Date Night.
FAST FORWARD twenty years. (Time flies when you're married.) We still have a date night. It's my favorite time. You're probably wondering why. Haven't we said all we can say to one another? We sleep together every night. We've been coast to coast, border to border, and ate out everywhere we went. I can tell you that the best pizza we've ever had was in Rantoul, Illinois, the best Mexican food was in El Paso, Texas, the best steak was in Amarillo, the best buffet was at Caesar's Palace, the best desert table was at the Golden Nugget, the cheapest prime rib was at Jerry's Nugget, the best Tex-Mex was in Austin, Texas, and the best hot dogs are all over the nation. My wife makes the best meat and potatoes in the world and I wouldn't pay anyone to make what they can't improve upon. I'd just go home disappointed.
Our marital shorthand hasn't changed much over the years except for what we mean when we're using it.
“Let's go out to eat, Baby.” Which is my way of saying, 'I don't want you to cook and I don't want to cook.'
“Where do you wanna go.” she asks, which is really her way of asking 'How much money do you have to go out with?”
If I tell her; “I don't care,” that really means “I have the money, Honey, if you have the time.”
Our conversations have moved from 'what I want' vs 'what you want,' to more practical issues of time and money. Even more subtle shorthand is used to discern whether we need to dress up or if we're going to go as we are. As a marriage progresses through time, a simple shorthand replaces things that don't need to be said or even things that shouldn't be said. Intimacy is a two edged sword. Knowing your spouse well, can give you great power to hurt if you aren't careful
A couple of years ago, I grew tired of the shorthand with Glenda and told her that Date Night was her night to choose where we go. She knows me well enough by now, to know what I like and dislike. She also knows that I will thankfully go anywhere she wants to eat, simply to be on a date with her. You see, while I've been a jerk most of our married life, one thing has remained constant throughout 36 years of marriage, I love to date my bride. Her laugh is still warm and free, her eyes still captivate me when I chance to peer into them, and she knows better than to wear strawberry flavored lip gloss.
What does all of this have to do with our study into Every Man's Marriage? If you didn't catch the subtle clues, here's the hammer to drive it home. TIME! Date night was proof that she had my time. Not only did she have my time, but she had my interest. At that time in my life, I didn't have the book to give it a name. Miraculously I stumbled upon one of the truths of the book without even knowing what I was doing. Many of us are like that. We don't know when we're doing the right things because we don't put a name to it. There have been a few times I've laughed at the simplistic statements the two authors make. At first I thought I was alone in my observation until one of the men in our group complained about how obvious much of what the authors were saying, was. He and his wife have been married longer than Glenda and I, and their marriage is a picture of oneness. BUT, this study is about more than trying to improve an old marriage like ours. A matter of fact, it's not about me, or Glenda at all. It's about us serving God in our marriages. It's also about helping the young men in our church do it better than we did. All marriages can be better, but hopefully by applying the principals we find in the book, we can help our young men become better husbands. They can give a name to specific actions they perform and eventually teach their sons the same thing. Hopefully we'll get things right in a generation or two. None of us have arrived at perfection, yet. I personally want to help our young men get a faster grip on being good men than I did.
If you're wondering how Glenda and I are doing, we are moving into the 'golden years' and I'm grateful she is still with me. Thirty six years is a long time to be with someone like me. You see, the problem is that even after all this time, she still surprises me. I'm always learning more about her. Amazingly, she is still a mystery that I enjoy reading. I'm not dreading our senior years, because at least I'll have more time to court her. Oh, sure, we'll still use marital shorthand, but I think we both know what we're really saying.
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