In last Sunday's men's group, we delved deeper into Chapter 15 of Every Man's Marriage. The name of the chapter is called “Making the Right Pitch,” and the gist of the chapter is how men can help our wives in the area of child rearing and being more helpful in the home.
Sounds noble on the surface doesn't it?
Our discussion of the chapter took a different tack and we found ourselves discovering that even noble purposes can be formed with wrong foundations. To most of the men, it seemed that the authors assumed that women had their things to do and men had theirs. We all found it offensive in a very powerful way. If we love as Christ loved, there isn't room for defined roles. If you are loving as Christ loved, you're not going to look for appreciation, gratitude, or reward from your spouse. WHY? Because if you are truly one, you'd actually be looking for appreciation from yourself.
I know, it's all twisted up, but it is more of an issue of maturity than logic. The starting point for any discussion of what a marriage should be like, must begin with what you would do if you weren't married. What tasks or chores would you do if you didn't have a wife? If you really want to mess things up, let's go one step further and say that you have a newborn baby and somehow you lost your wife. What would you do? Would you look for the baby to pat your po-po and tell you thanks for changing their diapers? Would you keep a record of all the times you stayed up at night feeding them? Would you go out on the street, find you a woman and say; “Hey, I'm a great Dad. I just fed the baby, changed it's diaper, and played with it for a few minutes, how about some great sex?” I know it sounds crazy, but that's exactly what it seems most men do to their wives. Keeping a record of what you do and expecting a reward violates everything Christ came to do in us. When you imprison your wife in the role of nurturer, chief cook, and bottle washer, you've already moved beyond the oneness that Christ came to build in us. As a man, if you're doing the dishes, washing clothes, or cleaning the house for your wife to give you sex or say thank you, you've already demeaned your wife. If you think you're doing it for her, you've made her less than yourself. I don't care whether she is a stay at home Mom or if she works more hours than you, if we relegate our wives to traditional roles, we're no different than anyone else. We're back where we started this paragraph; what would you do if you didn't have a wife?
I hope you can see where our discussion went. A Christ centered marriage isn't going to have defined roles outside of what Christ showed us. At some point, the wisdom of the Holy Spirit must overcome the desires of the flesh. The only thing your wife is responsible for giving you, is what you can't do for yourself if you were single. She only has to give you love. Even better yet, make a list of the chores you'd have to do if you were single, then make a list of the chores you'd have to do if you were a single father, then go back to when you were courting your wife and see if you made her do those things before you were married. THERE YOU GO! NO, you took her out to eat, bought Chinese food, or even better yet, you may have cooked a meal for her. What you gave each other was time, attention, and the feeling of being significant. If you feel you're 'helping' your wife do the dishes, the laundry, or cleaning the house, you've already relegated her to less than a maid. At least maids get paid and don't have to give you sex.
As a personal note: So many divorces and bad marriages are based upon the erroneous definition of male and female roles in the marriage. The woman isn't the only nurturer and the man isn't solely responsible for discipline in the family. When you expect your spouse to thank you for what you do, or to honor your position, you're building your marriage on sinking sand. At some point we men have to grow up and realize that we are one with our wives. I know I've worn it out, but I wish I'd known this stuff when I was younger.
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