By the direction of the Holy Spirit, we found ourselves going a totally different direction with our study into Every Man's Marriage. Studying your wife's essence is fundamental to having a good marriage. Knowing who she is, and why she is what she is, will help the two of you manage the storms of life with confidence. If you don't know her essence, you don't know her motivations. If we are ignorant of our wife's essence, it is very easy to make the wrong assumptions for her behavior. Discovering who she is, and what her true self is, shouldn't be done in the heat of the battle, or in the midst of the storm. There is a right time to study and that is why Sunday's study focused on the unmarried young men in our fellowship. There was a great deal of wisdom laid out Sunday morning and I don't think I can do it complete justice.
The right time to study your spouse is before she becomes your spouse. In today's modern age of instant everything, the days of extended courtships have long since gone. The day of correspondence between lovers has passed into oblivion. The TEXT generation has replaced the sonnet and the poem. Still, there is a way to use the tools of this modern age to develop a proper courtship. I don't want to repeat a lot of stuff that my Bro. Charles has placed in his blog. I think everyone of you need to follow the link on this page and read what he put down. What I want to do is re-phrase everything that was said in a concise practical way that will give every single guy in our fellowship a practical road map to finding God's will for a spouse.
STEP 1: Make a shopping list. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you define what your prospective spouse must be like. This list should express your intimate desires, your spiritual desires, and your ministry desires. (As a note: Bro. Jim made the powerful point, using 1 Corinthians 7:33 as to the man who doesn't have a wife being able to devote himself fully to the ministry of the Lord, but if he is married, his primary ministry is to his wife. How many of us have viewed our wives as being our ministry focus?) The statement was made, that most young men don't really know what they want, or what they want to be. I say that is true only if we don't allow the Lord to tell us. Too many scriptures point the other way around. MAKE A LIST-BE SPECIFIC
STEP 2: Develop a set of interview questions based upon that list. If a corporation can develop a set of questions to ascertain whether you are worthy to be hired, you need to develop a set of questions to determine if a young lady will be a suitable spouse. These questions need to be asked-BEFORE-a serious relationship begins. Ask them before the passion takes over and the hormones overlook the obvious flaws. Once the wedding is over, the flaws will become obstacles to overcome. The list won't prevent you from going through rough patches and disagreements, but at least you won't be battling her essence. Primary focus of your questions should be her Spiritual beliefs, her personal desire for ministry, and her dreams and aspirations. Her essence will be revealed in these areas. Remember not to ask leading questions. EXAMPLE: "I really feel a call to be a pastor, what do you feel called to?" If she's 'hot' for you, she'll tell you want you want to hear, just like you will tell her what you want she wants to hear. Maybe the best way to do the interview, is by having text chats with her. When you are face to face, it is easy to let the pheromones and hormones run away with you. Step back and go slow during the discovery phase. If she is of like spirit, then you can take the relationship to the next level and discover deeper things of her essence.
STEP 3: If she meets the Lord's requirements, then you can begin to determine if you are compatible with one another at an even more difficult level. The issues of your backgrounds, families, and even your past, can be dealt with in trust and mutual admiration. It is important that you take your prospective spouse to your home church. If she can't 'abide' your church, the two of you will never be whole. Your church home is who you are. This is as much or more important than introducing her to your natural family. Your spiritual family is what determines your future. If her first reaction is disgust, revulsion, or even confusion, you must stop the relationship before it goes too far. Every man in the fellowship agreed. There is no way to continue a positive relationship if she is pulling you away from the very source of your spiritual well. There is no way for her to be happy, if you are pulling her away from her spiritual well. After you are married is not the time to fix this problem.
STEP 4: Wait! Breathe! Take your time. If she is God's will, if she is the one God ordered for your life, if she is your soul-mate, love can only grow. She will wait, she will want to be sure, and she will be joyous at your restraint. Take the time to study her, pray with her, read the Word of God with her, and especially take the time to allow her to know you. Just as you should give way to her essence, she should give way for yours. Take the time to discover what the unique creature the two of you will become, will look like. Then when you have children, face death, change jobs, move from one place to another, or face life's most tragic battles, you will do it as ONE in the Spirit of God.
This kind of stuff is heavy truth. I'm asking all of our single men to evaluate any relationship they are in and apply these tools to that relationship right now. Find God's favor, (a wife) but make sure she is God's favor and not your desire.
As a last note: I'm reticent about adding this, but I feel I must. God is not beyond fixing our mistakes. I know. I've screwed up my life in many ways, especially in the area of being a husband, making good life choices, and dealing with my own emotional issues. Through my own shortcomings, God has always been faithful. The best way to avoid damaging the one you walk through this life with, is to be sure she is God's choice for your life. That way, when the two of you fall or stumble, there will always be the assurance that you were truly meant for one another. Last minute cram sessions are not the way to pass life's tests. There is a right time to study.
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