We're still parked in chapter five and creeping along in first gear. We've been tearing apart the whole "spiritual oneness" thing. One of the things we've discovered in our study, is that it is hard to be one with someone when you don't know their essence. We've been talking about knowing our wife's essence and working to keep from destroying it with our own. However, it occurred to me that one of the problems for men is the confusion that comes from not knowing what we want outside of having a woman. For most of us, we very rarely discover what our own essence is, and if by some miracle we do discover our essence, it usually takes back seat to the much stronger urge for sex and companionship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that men usually discover what they are and what they want to do en route. Very few men become what they said they wanted to become when they were little boys.
There are very few little boys who would say: "I want to be a mid-level manager of an investment firm and work in a five by five cubicle all day." I would dare to say that the cubicle is the furthest thing from what the man dreamed of becoming. As his dreams die and his hopes for greatness wane, he forgets how he got into the cubicle. He moved beyond the dreams of greatness into the reality of survival and support. The beautiful ewe lamb that captured his heart and upended his dreams becomes someone who reminds him of his failure. Her eyes which once mesmerized him, now pierce his heart with darts of self doubt and self-loathing. She may not even know why he is treating her the way he is, but she only knows he isn't the prince charming she thought she was getting. As the childhood dreams die within both of them, there is this sad waltz that they perform to avoid saying what hurts them and why they both feel so alone. As his youthful strength and vigor is consumed upon the altar of parenthood, his only island of hope is the momentary pleasures of sex and stolen moments with the woman who was once his only passion. PROBLEM IS: By this time, he's forgotten her essence and what she dreamed and longed for. She is equally disheartened as the man who once worshiped her and made every defference to her essence, now hides or at worst abuses her.
While I agree with the authors about the fragility of the wife's essence, I also know that a man can't respect his wife's essence until he respects his own. The problem is, the world tells young boys they can do anything they want to do. That is the furthest thing from the truth. A man can only do what his essence allows him to do. When what we do is in direct conflict with our essence, we are at war with ourselves and ultimately with those around us. Compromise for the sake of love, sex, companionship, money, or power is the soil of despair. When Jesus was confronted with the pressures of those who would demand he compromise his essence for their own, he would take it to the level where all men should go. "I do only what the Father tells me to do."
Jesus is the only one who knows your true essence. As men, we lose ours along the way and then find ourselves destroying the essence of those who love us and surround us. It's not willful. It's a bull in the china closet kind of thing.
Don't get worried or bent out of shape. If you are someone who has lost their essence, all you have to do is ask the doe eyed beauty who stole your heart. Believe me, she remembers what it was. Just ask her, "What did you like about me before we got married." That's your essence. If she's forgotten, Jesus will remind her.
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