I don't know why getting two human beings together almost always leads to trouble, but it happens. My Grandma used to say that it's not that they are smarter than you, it's just that even one child outnumbers you. My brother and I were an army of two without a general.
As parents, what are you to do?
If you, and your wife work, then at some point you have to put your child in day care. In even a small group of say ten to twelve children, you're going to have at least one of those children be raised by parents who don't share your values. Now, top that off with that amazing ability of children to let their imaginations rule their actions and you have a recipe for misbehavior.
IT IS INEVITABLE.
I remember when my son was in the sixth grade, and he began to tell me what a movie was about that I didn't have in my video collection. I asked him when he'd seen it, and he told me at a friend's house. Needless to say, it was a movie I would have never allowed in our home.
I ask one more time, what are we as parents supposed to do?
You can't isolate them, and I really don't care who they are around, if you put two perfect little angels together, they'll find a way to act like little devils.
Do you isolate them? Do you hover over them like helicopters? Do you do anything at all?
I don't think you can do anything at all to keep two children from influencing one another, or from yielding to peer pressure. At the same time, I believe you can influence your children to exercise the wisdom you've been giving them from the book of Proverbs. (Ah, now you understand why I went to Proverbs first.) The Proverbs are wisdom from above you. Proverbs are spiritual, and therefore stand on their own without your prejudices. You may not like the way I'm going to phrase this, but your child needs to know that God is the one looking over their shoulders. Every one of you know how much I despise the image of God as the big bully in heaven, just waiting to blow someone out of existence because they've transgressed a law or commandment. Still, it is important for them to know that they can't just do anything they want without consequence. It is a fine line, and it is one that every child reacts to differently. I don't know how I'd have turned out if I hadn't had the image of God that I did. Finding out how your child sees God is important!! This is where the issue of time comes in. Are you willing to invest a little bit of time in your child while they are soft and pliable, or do you want to wait until they are much older, and the time requirement is multiplied by a factor of 10? If you don't define God for them, and if you don't define the moral nature of God for them, then their peers will. It won't be a question of your child testing the boundaries of the Godly morals you value, it will be a peer establishing the boundaries. At the same time, it goes without saying that there are children who will rebel against even the most loving, and involved parents. The counsel I give here is not a panacea, nor a buttress against the pull of the carnal nature.
There are a few ways you can short circuit the power of peer pressure, but I want to talk about being the first peer in their lives. AS their parent, you get to be their first everything!!! Why not be their first playmate?
Establish primacy in their lives and be the first one they talk to about their experiences. Yes, your heard me right!!! You and your spouse can be the first person they talk to about life. Be nosey! Yes, be a nosey posey. Ask them who they played with during the day. Ask them what they did. Ask them how they feel about their friend, or friends. Ask them about the daycare, about the Sunday School class, about the school classroom. Ask them about the little friend from Church who you are sure is a perfect little angel. By listening, and talking with them at an early age, you can
gain primacy as the teacher of their faith. I didn't know this when I raised my own children, but I can tell you how I've seen it work in other families.
Be your child's first playmate!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that enough exclamation points?
Be the one that they play pat-a-cake with. Be the horse they ride on. Be the one who plays cars, dolls, make believe, video games, and a dozen other things that they will do. You have to be their first playmate. If you are their first playmate, then they will open up to you in playtime. If that sounds too feminine or un-Godlike, then you have a much higher regard for yourself than you ought to. If you think your life is amazingly grown up and complex and that God wouldn't play in the dirt with you, then you missed the whole point of Jesus. If you don't believe Jesus existed before the foundation of the world, and that he was slain before the foundation of the world, then you've missed the point of salvation. God knows time backward and forward, and He knew what we were like before He made us. Dear God in heaven that is so humbling for me every time I think it. Jesus was a little boy before God made little boys. God sat down in the dirt with other little boys and played marbles and still he chose to make the dirt for little boys to play marbles on. Not only that, how many of those same playmates would later call out for His death.
This is our Heavenly Father!!!
Our Lord and Savior, God the Son, is the same as you and I. He chose to walk with his son Adam in the Garden during the cool of the day, and enjoyed watching his child name the creatures of the earth. He listened to his son Adam and talked with him even though Adam didn't know squat. If you think their daily walks consisted of God lecturing Adam, you don't know my God. Your little one that holds onto your finger as you walk toward the store is no different than your relationship to God. If nothing else drives you to play with your child, knowing that God chooses to 'play' with you should. We must appear as infants to God even in our greatest wisdom and knowledge. Still, he chooses to walk with us, and play with us.
As a father, you have first dibs on your child's interests, and their feelings. Find the time to play, talk, watch, and do things together. Ask them how they feel about little Johnny, or little Katie? Ask them to make judgments, and to tell you what they felt. If you don't do it now, it will take a long time before they will do it after they're adults. Yep, it's a tough thing being a parent. The only true currency you have is time, and that is what a peer gives. You have to be the prime peer in their life. Notice I've avoided using the word friend. As a father you can't be their friend until they come into maturity. Later on, you can allow them to be your best buddy, but when they are little ones, you need to be their first playmate so that they learn to play the way you want them to play with others.
I've told all of you before that I wasn't always an introvert. My first week in elementary school forever scarred me. My Dad never knew because he was in the Army, and moonlighted as a truck driver. My mother didn't find out until I was in the fourth grade that the reason for my bad grades was because of being abused by my peers. My dad wasn't my playmate, and a sibling isn't always the best playmate. My report cards from the first grade on always had low marks on the line that said "Plays well with others" I said all of that to make the point that if you are your child's first playmate, you can see who they are, and you can shape who you want them to be. My Mom, and my Dad didn't know that I was having problems. They didn't know because they didn't play with me. That isn't a whine or a complaint. It is a warning. It is even important for you to be your daughter's playmate. How will they learn what a good man is, if all they see is TV or movie versions that have no reality to them?
I used to think peer pressure didn't begin until much later in childhood until I watched the kids playing at the Pre-School in the public school system I used to work for. Boy did I learn something new!!
When you play with your children (and grandchildren) you have the power to establish the rules of their peer relationship without giving them a bunch of do's and don'ts. It's simple as that. How they treat their toys, how they imagine things, the stories they tell, the people they put in peril, and the people they save all have meaning to them, but it isn't indicative of their bent, it is a place to change their bend. If you think of yourself as too good to play with your children then I promise you, they will quickly stop going to you for the more important discussions. I know. I've seen it both ways, and you can tell which ones I played with, and which ones I didn't.
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