Being a father is not a title, or crown. It is a job description at best, and is only one part of the family unit. I don’t want to rehash our study into marriage, but it goes without saying that wives were relegated to domestic servants in much of our recent history. That is not what God intended! A well balanced nuclear family presents a full picture of what God is. If you want your children to honor and respect you as their father, you must honor the mother of your children. Before I give you some guidelines that Glenda, and I used to raise our children, let me share with you two things we determined to do before we started having children. (A.) Never allow the kids to pit you against one another. Knowing that your wife is going to be your wife after the kids leave home is essential to being happy after they leave. (B.) Divorce was not an option. Having been through a divorce after only a year and a half of marriage, I determined within myself to never do that again, to make that personal, I determined I would never leave Glenda.
COMMON SENSE GUIDELINES:
I don’t have any scriptures to back up these guidelines, but they have worked for me. The guidelines I’m laying out for you are what we started out with before Glenda and I had our first child. To me, they are simple common sense ideas based upon broader Christian principles.
Do not compare your partner to others. My idea of motherhood came from two individuals, the first being my own mother, and the second, my wife, the mother of my children. Oh sure, I’ve watched other mothers with their children, but I don’t see them day in and day out like I have my own mother, and my wife. As a youth leader in other churches, I found out early on that many of the parents I admired, were not as perfect as I assumed looking from the outside in. If you are comparing your spouse to other women, even your own mother, STOP IT. The truth is, you have an intimate view of the mother of your children, and see her without all the spit and polish that happens at church. How would you like her to compare you to the men around you? Give your partner in this great endeavor some credit, because each person is unique. For example, my mother was very talkative and social, so I learned to communicate well because of her. She was extremely spiritual, and her spiritual devotion became my devotion. On the other hand, my wife is reserved, and not so talkative, so I saw another style of motherhood that I didn’t know existed. I thought all mothers were like my mom, but my wife showed me they weren’t. What I do know about motherhood from my mother and my wife, is that it is a thankless, difficult job, with little reward except for the joy of the children themselves. The mother of your children should be judged on her own merits, not what you see other women doing. Comparing your wife to other women in your faith fellowship is a fool’s errand at best. Comparing her to anyone in ‘the world’ is...stupid. If she isn't what you thought she would be, that just points to you as being a poor judge of character. Own it, and stop comparing her to others.
Support your wife even when you don’t understand her. Your wife, your children’s mother, deserves all the support you can give her even when you don’t understand what she is doing. She is not a man, and will do things for different reasons than you do. Like I said earlier, one of the rules of my household was designed to support my wife, and to prevent the children from dividing and conquering us. If Glenda gave the kids permission to do something, or forbade them from doing something, that was the end of the discussion. The both of you should be an unassailable wall of support for one another. If we didn't like what the other did, we would not debate it or correct it in front of the kids. Support also means defending your wife against the slings and arrows that can come from your own family, the church family, and from employers. Supporting your wife also means finding out what makes her tick. IF she makes a decision you don’t understand, talking it out in front of the children is not very wise. They will know you don’t support her. Little ears are always listening! My parents would be embarrassed if I told you some of the conversations I’ve overheard them have about each other with other people. I wish I could unhear them to this day.
Listen to your wife! Speaking of listening, if you truly want to evaluate your fatherhood, ask your partner in parenting. Yes, ask your wife. She hears their hearts, and often makes excuses for your failures. Think back to your own childhood. When your Dad broke your heart, who did you run off to? If you listen to your wife, she will give you the ‘course adjustments’ you need to make you a better father. A long time ago we read a book that challenged us to ask our wives what we could do better as husbands. If you really want to challenge your ego, ask your wife how you’re doing as a father. If you have pride issues, put them away right now, and be prepared to embrace the fail. Be prepared to offer sound reason for spirit led decisions, and to ask forgiveness for carnal actions. At the same time, just remember that your wife will come from a different place than you, and it may not always be right, but they will have insight to what your little ones are thinking. Your wife may not always be right, but you owe it to her to listen to her. If you are loving her the way we studied so many years ago, then the two of you should be able to talk freely about what your children have revealed to her. She’s an adult with a mature understanding of who you are, and why you do what you do, but she can only go so far in explaining your flaws to your children. At some point you have to listen to her and either address your child’s perceptions, or help her grasp the reasons for your actions. It’s difficult to be told by the woman you love what your children want from you, but I guarantee you she will have insights your children are afraid to share with you. She is your partner, not your competition. Because most men are competitive, it’s easy to forget that your wife is your partner in child rearing. If they love her, and talk to her more than you, that is a bonus!!! As the other half of the parenting team, you need to have ‘business’ meetings with her often. Whether you believe it or not, if you have more than one child, they have business meetings about the both of you all the time. If they sense they can weasel in between the two of you, they will. You who are already fathers, know I speak the truth.
Do not belittle your spouse to your children. Little children don't understand the difference between teasing, and being critical, so that is why you have to be especially careful what you say to your children. Comments like “You know your Mom,” or “That’s just your Mom, or worse yet, “What does your Mom know” are the worst things you can say to, or around your children. Believe it or not, I’ve heard this said by men to their children. Whether your children are boys or girls, they need to have a healthy respect for their mother, and her judgment. NEVER VENT your frustrations with your wife to your children. When you vent or belittle her, you are destroying her ability to parent them. No child wants to hear, nor should they hear your frustration with your partner. If your anger can’t wait until a later time when the two of you are alone, then leave the house calmly. Men who have to vent with no regard to who is listening, don’t care that God is listening. One of the most common phrases I hear from an angry man is; “What about my feelings, what about me?” The minute I hear someone do that, I know they don’t have a good relationship with the Father. We should be able to vent to one another as men, but starting off from the childish viewpoint of ‘what about me.’ is not a good thing.
Finally, give your partner the time she deserves to NOT be a mother. When our children were still at home, we called it our "We are not a parent night." Now that they are gone, we call it our 'date night'. Give your spouse your attention as the love of your life, and the time to be herself without a child on her hips. If you are listening to your spouse as you should, I guarantee you, at the bottom of all her complaints, (her’s and the children’s) will be the issue of time. Time is always the most valuable commodity we have to give each other as human beings. You married the mother of your children prior to her being a mother. You gave her a lot of your time to woo her, and that need for time hasn’t changed because she has children. Speaking of which, a child doesn’t understand the demands of time, but they demand time themselves. Your job, the church, and even being a good husband are abstract ideas for a child to comprehend. If you, and your wife both work, then it becomes even more difficult to explain. Still, your child needs to know why they aren’t the center of your universe anymore. Let your children know that their mother was your passion before they came on the scene, and she will be there long after they’ve left home. I will never apologize for my wife being the romantic passion of my life. Moving the passion forward into the later years of your life after the kids have gone out on their own, will keep you married long after the kids are gone. The best way to do this is to have a Date Night once a week. When I give premarital counselling to young couples, I stress the importance of having at least one couple who can keep your kids for an evening. Better yet work out an arrangement where you can trade out child care with them. If that can’t be done, then talk to someone at the church. If you live in the same town as your parents, then work out something with them. No matter what, I believe if the two of you maintain a romantic relationship, it will go a long way to developing a healthy understanding of romantic love in your children. It will revitalize your intimacy and help you both have the energy to raise your children. Take care of your marriage first, then you can both give your children the TIME they deserve from a heart of joy.
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