It was a wonderful start to our discussion of the nobility of fatherhood this last Sunday. Six men gave their examples based mostly upon their own fathers, and one of the men shared the example of a man he works with.
Each anecdote seemed to touch upon upcoming lessons, and will provide plenty of support material for what I've been saying all along; that fatherhood is a noble endeavor.
Each story I heard had a common theme that I believe is the hallmark of a Christian father. It doesn't matter how it is brought about, but nobility is usually measured in a man making sacrifices for their children. Again, I never want to diminish the role of a mother, nor do I think men have cornered the market on parental sacrifice. HOWEVER, the sacrifices of a father are rarely recognized by the children while they are still living at home. This lack of recognition is largely due to a lack of communication, and a desire to be humble. Very few men will sit down with their children and say; the reason I'm gone all the time is because I'm working two jobs in order to give my family the best things I can give you. Even if you tried that thought process, a child would tell you that they don't need the best things in life, they just want you. (later, when they become teenagers, this isn't true. I know!) The fine balance between providing time for the children, and providing things becomes harder for fathers who are in public service careers. Soldiers, policemen, firemen, doctors, nurses, pastors, teachers, and a whole host of public service careers demand that the parent be available 24/7. Sometimes this availability can mean long separations from your child. (Think soldiers in continuing deployments to the Middle East since 1990's) Young children don't understand commitment, dedication, or self-sacrifice because they (we) are genetically wired for self-preservation. It takes years of social education to turn a child from being self-absorbed into a citizen of this world. It amazes me how the christian community has failed to explain what these qualities look like in the lives of every day men. Oh, we're good at telling bible stories about great men of faith, and inspiring children to believe that only special men chosen by God can do mighty things. All to often, Sunday School teachers fail to point out the men in their own fellowships who sacrifice their time, their talents, and their money to further the Kingdom of God. For instance, in our own fellowship, I'm inspired by the men who go year after year to Nicaragua to minister, and who give selflessly to the dozen or so 'outreach ministries' we sponsor. All of this is done with an eye toward being the best husbands, and fathers they can be. Our sons, and daughters need to be aware of what this kind of sacrifice looks like. If we honor this kind of dedication, it will stir a desire to follow in their father's footsteps. I'm tired of fictional superheroes, or video game heroes being the role models for our youth. Television has destroyed the nobility of men by glorifying the 'anti-hero', or making dark heroes who have no noble character within them other than the super power they have. Crooked cops, shifty lawyers, and sexually addicted clergy are EASY depictions, like cardboard stereotypes that are not the norm. Yet, they make for 'adult' viewing because they supposedly depict the truth of real life. The truth is; millions of men go to work 10 to 12 hours a day, enduring physical discomfort, continuing pain from abusing their bodies, separation from the ones they love, and very little appreciation from those who employ them, simply to provide for their family. This happens around the world! It isn't an American issue. So we create 'superheroes' who have special abilities above the common man, and then we forget about the super sacrifices that ordinary men make every day. I enjoy a good tale of super heroes as much as anyone, but I resent the glorification of these fake heroes at the cost of telling the truth about fatherhood. Fatherhood is a noble endeavor.
Why am I saying this? Because, as each story was told last Sunday the same theme came to light, no matter what noble trait was expressed. What was that theme? Sacrifice!!! When we are children, even into our teen years, we don't understand selflessness, and sacrifice. I think this is because we have a duality of existence as Christian parents. We want to be great men of faith, mighty men of valor, and servants of the most high God. We live with one foot in eternity, and the other foot in our present moment. Time is the greatest, and only gift we have to give to our families. I truly believe that as Christians, we don't know how to make time make sense to our children. We teach eternity, but we don't teach how important this short time we are on earth is to the eternity we embrace. I believe that failure makes it hard in western cultures to cause children to value (honor) their parents beyond what their parents give them. We conflate love with respect (fear.) The cycle of brokenness, continues to feed every generation. Misunderstanding, and disappointment will go on into future generations until we start to teach the truth of time being the most valuable gift we can give. I can say that, because I had hoped to stop the cycle in my own life, and failed. At 65 years old, I can look back and see that the things that were important to me as a young father, no longer matter. I promised myself when I was a teenager that I would give more time to my children than my Dad gave to me. Didn't happen! I have nothing more now, than I had then, and I have far less time than I did then. One of my childhood misunderstandings was that my father didn't love me as much as my mother did, because he didn't give time to me. Other things, and people SEEMED to be more important than me. As I said in last weeks blog, the truth didn't become obvious to me until much later. You mix in the conflict between a mother's need for a perfect nest with which to raise her babies, and a man's need for respect, and honor from his peers, and in the end a child will be left to feel slighted.
In every story related last Sunday, the basic theme was the same; the father was doing things for the good of the family behind the scenes that the son had no knowledge of until much later. The sad part of this is, that the resentment is allowed to fester
If you'll bear with me for just a few more lines, let me share the story of one of the great men of God we are all told about from a child. From all accounts, this man was an ornery child, or at least that is what his brothers thought, and said about him. He was cocky, self-assured, highly talented, and for some unexplained reason favored above his brothers. He did mighty exploits of faith, living to serve an undeserving king, and finally being made a king himself. If we were to list his best qualities, they would make a world class resume for employment by a major corporation. He was courageous, daring, shrewd, devoted, loyal, godly, and a leader of great men. He could have been a rock star in today's world, having written numerous songs. Yet, King David was a failed father. His son Absalom was a vain, self absorbed youth who sought to destroy his own father. The same father who inspired men to follow him for over eighteen years, failed to secure his own son. The greatness we attribute to David because God attributed it to him, is the same quality that made him an enemy to his son. David's willingness to do whatever God commanded, was not what Absalom needed.
It didn't help that king David didn't have the support of his wife Maacah. She was a princess from Geshur, and probably a priestess of her religion. (She was not a Jewess.) This will be one of the few exhortation/admonishments directed toward women. If you aren't explaining your husbands work ethic, and how it relates to a child's perception to how much they are loved, you are setting that child up for resentment later when the child is a teen.
The greatest men of God will often sacrifice family for devotion to God's purposes. The hardest thing for any humble man to do, is to sit down with their child and explain to them why they are gone 10 and 12 hours a day. From the time a child is a toddler, till they are a teen, time is the measure of love. Our western society has done that. King David was a flawed man, given a weighty task, as well as being a father. For all of his intimacy with God, David was probably not an intimate father. I still believe David was a noble man, just as I believe that most Christian fathers are flawed men seeking to be the best father they can be. Noble traits can be hidden by the cares of this life. There is a way around this and we'll look into it in later lessons.
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