FORGIVING YOURSELF

Yesterday, our Men's group didn't go quite as I'd hoped. Last Sunday, one of the men admitted that he could forgive others, but he found it hard to forgive himself. This admission is at the core of Wes Yoder's book “Bond of Brothers,” so you can imagine my excitement as I began to work out a reply to his statement. 

SILLY ME! 

 The victorious exultation of men being set free didn't happen. In retrospect, I don't know what I was thinking. Yesterday, was one of those days where the men latch onto one word, and then go para-sailing with it. The fault was in me.   I should have printed out the lesson sheet at home instead of waiting till I got to church. My printer at church gets glitchy sometimes and I have to fight with it. Yesterday was one of those times. 

 Needless to say, what I wanted to bring to the men was overrun by well said, but rambling dissertations upon forgiveness. MOSTLY about us forgiving others. Any other time, I would have relished the discussion. This time I was exasperated. None of what was said, even from me, was what needed to be said. Never mind that the person who'd broached the subject in the first place wasn't there. So, I went home and revised my lesson sheet so that it couldn't be messed up. I'll hand it out next week, but we'll wait for a more opportune time to discuss it. For those who read the blog, you'll get a leg up on everybody else.

CAN YOU TRULY FORGIVE YOURSELF?

The thought of someone forgiving themselves has made me laugh time and time again. Modern pop-psychology has built a religion around the idea of forgiving yourself. From Oprah to a host of others, the idea of you forgiving yourself for wrongs you've done to others is almost laughable. It seems to promote the idea of duality of personality. It would go something like this:

Dave #1. That was a really stupid thing I said to my wife last night.

Dave #2. Yes, it was Dave. You could have done a better job of telling her you don't really like macaroni and cheese over a bed of peanut butter. Throwing the bowl across the dining room was a little over the top wasn't it?

Dave #1. Yep, now I'll have to paint the wall.

Dave #2. Not to mention the fact that you really hurt her feelings.

Dave #1. Well, I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess you're right. I could've been a little more subtle. I did tell her I was sorry later.

Dave #2. That was a smooth move, doing the dishes, vacuuming the floors, and even dusting. You did a good job of acting contrite and genuinely sorry.

Dave #1. Well I did feel bad about it.

Dave #2. You need to move on now and get on with your life, no sense in beating yourself up about it. No sense in crying over spilled milk.

Dave #1. Now that you mention it, I do feel bad about what I did.

Dave #2. Forgive yourself and move on, son.

Dave #1. I don't know, now that you've brought it up, I feel really bad.

Dave #2. You just need to forgive yourself. Oprah, Dr. Phil, and all those other guys say you have to stop beating yourself up over it.

Dave #1. So, why'd you bring it up?

Dave #2. So you'd forgive. . . .me.

Am I the only one that believes our culture has become a sea of self serving ignorance that seizes any opportunity to put a balm on every boo-boo and escape responsibility for our actions. There are consequences for what we do. It's like Pontius Pilate washing his hands after sentencing Jesus to death. 'I'm giving you what you want because I fear man more than I respect my own conscience.'

I am not addressing this to the modern pop culture who've disavowed a loving, but just God. I can't speak to the billions who don't forgive, or don't know what forgiveness is. We could learn a lot from God himself, if we'd humble ourselves enough to know and understand Him.

I will say it once, and say it clearly. YOU CAN'T FORGIVE YOURSELF.

So, to the individual who says, I can forgive others, but can't forgive myself, I say as kindly as I can; STOP TRYING to forgive yourself.

The Kingdom model for forgiveness and the resolution of offenses works from a completely different direction. It is simple, but extremely difficult. Here it is in a nutshell.

1. If you have wronged someone (your need for forgiveness is implied), go to that person and ask them to forgive you. Extremely hard thing to do, because it means humbling yourself and admitting you did something . . .wr. .. .wro........wrong. Besides, to admit you did something wrong might obligate you to compensate the person. (Called restitution.)
2. Offer Restitution while the person is offering forgiveness. (That implies real regret and not just fear of consequences)
3. If person refuses to forgive, bring in another witness, and apologize once more. If the person refuses to forgive you or allow you restitution, you have done all you can do. They are now at fault.
4. Now, go to the Lord your God, offer up your sorrow for your actions, ask God for the Grace to overcome the fault in your character that led you to offend someone (or even God Himself,) accept the fact that your sins are forgiven through Christ Jesus, and make restitution as God tells you.

You see, the Kingdom model works from the baseline of everything we do that offends others, offends God. The first five of the Ten Commandments are direct offenses against God. The last five are offenses against another living being created in the image of God, which are an offense against Him. If we operate from the viewpoint that we were justified in our behavior or actions, we miss the point of our own salvation. God would be perfectly justified in speaking this entire Universe out of existence. With one short sentence, he could close the chapter on this sick pathetic experiment called mankind and would have never had to make the sacrifice he made. Yet, he has shown us time and time again the kind of mercy we don't deserve.

 The failure to ask forgiveness is the real problem. It stems from a heart that doesn't truly believe in God, but only fears the fact that there might be a hell. It goes to the issue of getting caught. We can behave any way we want as long as we don't get caught. We don't really believe in God, because if we did, we wouldn't behave the way we do. Therefor, our answer for our continued, habitual 'sin' is to 'forgive' ourselves. We don't have a contrite heart nor do we think differently about our position in relation to HIM. We are still master of our universe, and we can absolve ourselves of all guilt and shame. Our God-like statement is: “I have wronged others and myself, so I shall forgive myself.” When you have sinned against yourself, there is only one being who can offer you forgiveness, and He alone is God. Once you realize that, then your path to Him becomes the WAY. It is in Christ Jesus that you have forgiveness of sins. The issue is never forgiving yourself, but moving on in Christ Jesus. Once you begin to truly allow him to change you, you will accept the love of God and the GRACE of God will empower you to change. You'll never forget what you've done or the consequences of your actions, but you will think differently about them. Godly sorrow produces change, carnal sorrow produces shame and guilt.

Now, just a brief statement about forgiving others, because that is what took up so much of our time Sunday morning. The secular humanist ideology of self-forgiveness has infiltrated the Church, and robbed Christ of the power only He possesses. The power God have his Son, is the power to forgive us of our sins against HIM. The power he gave us through His Son, is the power to forgive others of their sins and have them forgiven in heaven. When we forgive others for their offenses against us, we absolve God of any responsibility to repay (settle accounts.) As long as we are holding out against someone, we are binding the hand of God. That in turn puts us in the terrible position of being a judge in a situation to which we are the injured party. We wouldn't allow that to happen in our secular judicial system, so why would we think it would work on a personal level? By forgiving, we recuse ourselves from the case and place the accounting in the hands of a just God. OR, could it be we don't trust God enough to produce a just accounting? Unforgiveness is idolatry. It is placing yourself above God and saying you don't believe he can make things right.

We don't need to forgive ourselves as much as we need to accept the forgiveness of God. Therein lies the true power to healing our hearts and minds. Which brings us to the final issue of condemnation and conviction. If we've asked God and man to forgive us, and we still find ourselves being beat up by the accuser, we are living under condemnation. That is a spiritual battle that requires help. It requires putting up a defense of the word. You can paraphrase scripture, speak it verbatim, but it takes knowing the word of God and speaking it out to the accuser. My favorite thing to do when the enemy brings up something in my past, is to confront him with the present. “I am a new creation in Christ. Old things are in the trash, and LOOK AT ME (behold) all things are new. I am led by the Spirit of God and my desires are for the things of God.” The oppression lifts, and I move on in joy knowing that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus.

Conviction on the other hand is a welcome gift of the Holy Spirit. As a new creation, he is going to work from the inside out, to remove those things in my life that are displeasing to him. I kind of like the analogy of someone richer than me, moving into my house. They don't want to change the outside, as much as they do the inside. So, He begins to throw out those things that are offensive to him. We begin to have discussions about what needs to go, but he knows those things are mine. He shows me what needs to go, and if I embrace his thinking, I let go. Being a kind and loving being, he doesn't empty my house all at once. I still need a place to sit, eat, and sleep. He gently and kindly changes my thinking about the things that decorate my home. Some things are acceptable, while others aren't. Some things must go immediately while others are a slow hard sell. Conviction comes, when He tells me to get rid of something, and I stubbornly keep going out to the trash can to retrieve it. He is patient, but He isn't without limits. I guarantee you, there is a point where he will stop taking that hateful thing out to the trash. I never want to reach that point with HIM.

So, there you have it. Our discussion didn't go there Sunday, and for that I'm sorry. There are times I make a lousy moderator. This was one of those times. Perhaps something was said that helped others.