Dialogue and Discipline

 Yesterday's lesson was a difficult lesson to summarize, because we were talking about our favorite passages from the book “Bond of Brothers” by Wes Yoder. I'd asked the men to read all the way to page 40, but I hadn't asked them to be prepared to share their favorite passage. I always assume that everyone highlights passages from books like I do. When I'm done with a book, it's almost worthless to anyone else, unless they are willing to weed through my bookmarks and highlights. The following is the lesson sheet the Holy Spirit wouldn't let me hand out. I knew there was a reason why after the conversation began.

THE DIALOGUE

I've been trying to stress the importance of a dialogue between fathers and sons that goes deeper than sports, weather, work, and recreational religion. That dialogue is the by-product of a relationship not possession. Far too often we fathers tend to view our children as 'ours.' It's as if they belong to us simply by virtue of our DNA. Actually the heavenly Father has entrusted us with them to raise them, but they are actually His children. The failure to develop a deep relationship with our children, makes our ability to discipline less effective. Relationship is built on dialogue, intimacy, and transparency. In any relationship, trust is implied. Dialogue begins with trusting the other person with what we're telling them. It also implies trusting the other person will not belittle or demean your point of view. Intimacy is impossible without trust, and transparency as well. It is a sad testament to the state of modern families, that fathers and sons can't trust each other enough to dialogue with one another. The father/ son relationship is the first most important man to man relationship any of us will ever have. You can't help but wonder how many more generations of men will go on in the deadly throes of silence and shame. There has to be a dialogue about the important issues of marriage, child rearing, and life's tougher spiritual situations. For us here in Real Ministries, this becomes even more critical as our initial core group of young men are marrying, and having children of their own. Young men, if you turn a deaf ear to your fathers in believing you have all the answers, or that things were different when he was your age, you've just closed off one of the deepest wells of life you'll ever tap. I don't care how much you think the world has changed, how technology has altered the way we communicate, how liberal you think you need to be, the truth is; nothing has changed. Men still battle with lust, power, money, fear, and their own weaknesses. The battleground may be different, but the wars are still the same. There is an infinite storehouse of wisdom within the fathers of this fellowship, and they shouldd be the first person you go to.

First, you may have to bridge the wall of anger, and shame. During the early adolescent years, when all you want to do is play and have fun, the demands of your father push you away. As you grow older, you become angry, you lash out, act out, or move out. Anger becomes its own fuel and a wall of fire erupts between you and the man who is best suited to lead you through the hurdles of your youth. When a father knows his son is angry at him, there doesn't appear to be any way to continue the dialogue. What begins as a failure to breach the cause of the anger, ends up adding another tier to the wall of fire. Before you know it, neither of you are able to talk about anything without erupting into anger. The fire is fueled by testosterone and pride. Stubbornness is just another word for lack of understanding. Lack of understanding is another way of saying you're too proud to listen.

Later, when the passionate fires have subsided, you're left with the sad knowledge of things said, and done which make the both of you feel ashamed. Shame makes you hide, because you may have been right, but you didn't act right. It is a tempestuous relationship that requires will power to overcome the wall of fire, and love to quench the flames. I guarantee you, one of you will get burned while trying to breach the wall, but the pain will be worth it. Our heavenly Father is the perfect example. To breach the wall for us, our Father suffered unimaginable pain. Like any father, our heavenly Father always loves us because he made us, he just doesn't like us very much when we are in the throes of disobedience. Therein lies the dilemma. In western culture, we believe that for someone to love us, they have to approve of everything we do and say. If they don't, we are convinced they don't love us. On the other hand, fathers often react to disobedience and rebellion as personal issues. They dole out punishment in the heat of anger, or wounded pride, carrying the discipline out too far, and for too long, turning it into punishment. Before you know it, you are at an impasse, fathers unable to talk, and sons unwilling to listen. That impasse, may go on for years instead of the seconds it should take. Another generation of silent men is born, and nurtured by unspoken shame and guilt. Being right becomes more important than doing right. It doesn't have to be this way. There is a way to start the dialogue. There is a way to ask the really important questions. The dialogue begins with intimacy. One of you will have to breach the wall of silence and submit.

END OF LESSON SHEET

In our discussion, we rambled around a central core truth, but it was a little disconcerting to say the least. It wasn't one of my best attempts at moderating a discussion. What was of value was the discussion of what discipline should look like. What we all agreed upon, was that discipline should never be done when you are angry. When we are angry, we are in fear. Fear turns discipline into punishment. It's difficult to discuss discipline in this 'enlightened' age without the issue of spanking arising. I was spanked by both of my parents, I've spanked my children, and I believe spanking is often necessary to break a strong rebellious will. We all agreed however, that spanking should never be done in anger. This train of thought led us to the discussion of how do kids get to the point in their lives where they believe their parents will 'kill' them if they find out about something the child has done. You see this repeatedly in young girls who become pregnant before marriage. It is especially predominant in Christian homes. While I've never heard of a Christian parent 'killing' their daughter because she became pregnant, it does beg the question; what is the child really afraid of? The same thing Adam and Eve were ashamed of. They know they've let their parents down, they've let themselves down. Their reproduction system told off on them, and now there is no way to hide the thing they've done. Planned Parenthood has made a business off of this fear. The morning after pill, the free and open access to abortions by minors without parental consent, even the free and open access to contraceptives by minors, speaks to the shame of sexual misconduct. The real issue is redemption. Every child wants to know that there is redemption at the back side of any transgression. This issue is primal and rooted in the family relationship. Except in some far eastern cultures where 'honor' is revered above love, redemption will always be there. That alone makes it important for us to know how to discipline. We admonished our young men and fathers, discipline with whatever tools you feel comfortable using, but when you are finished, kiss your child, and hug them. Let them know they are forgiven and that they can forgive themselves.

NEXT WEEK: Finish reading through chapter 2, and have the homework I assigned two weeks ago ready. I wanted you to look at the life of Abraham, Eli, and David to see what sin in their lives crippled them so that they couldn't discipline their children in that area.